Depression is killing me. N
Everyday I wake up and it's harder to move. Harder to get up. Depression holds me down. Beats me. Tortures me. It's hands are wrapped around my throat. Suffocating me. Strangling me. Tighter every day. I can barely breath anymore. I fight but it squeezes tighter. It's nails are digging into my skin. I bleed. I cry and thrash but can't break free. I try to scream but I have no more breath. No more strength. It is winning. I'm am fading. Weaker everyday. It smiles and laughs. Taunts. It takes joy in seeing the life slip from my eyes. It revels at my weak resistance. It squeezes tighter. I gasp for air. Claw at its hands. Weaker with every movement. Dying. My eyes close and my hands fall. it whispers into my ear the last words I will ever hear. I win.
@Solitaryshadow. I am sorry to hear that your depression is overwhelming at the moment but there's one obvious battle your depression hasn't won. You come on here for help and that takes so much courage and strength and your depression wasn't strong enough to stop you. So take that Depression! Welcome to 7 cups and if you need to talk just message me or any other awesome listeners here. Congrats on your win and stay awesome! :)
This was very well written.
@Solitaryshadow, you're description is so vivid, so ferocious. I can feel the claws firmly gripping my chest, slowing down my breath, cold sweat on my neck. I can hear the taunting laughter. The beating of my heart hastening in panic, almost galloping, like a hunted animal...
I enjoy reading your post, as much as it painfully reminds me of my illness. Well done!
@celaeno it scares me that this is what I see everyday. I feel it crushing me and I don't know what to do. It keeps playing out in my head. It strangling and suffocating me. It always wins. I don't know if there is any point in fighting it anymore. I feel like I'm slipping away.
@Solitaryshadow, my lovely flower. It's heartbreaking for me that you have to struggle with so much pain. I'm so sorry that you are suffocating, I'm sorry that you feel like losing with your own brain. It's not fair, you don't deserve any of this.
My dearest, I want to run the distance to you, across the lands and oceans. I want to embrace you and to ease this unbearable pain that you are still bearing every day. You are so strong and courageous to fight over and over again, against the odds. You are swimming against the current, and you feel like giving up, but you are still swimming. I admire your persistence, even if you feel like there is no point anymore.
Darling, you are the point. You are the reason enough to keep fighting. You are amazing, despite your struggle, and heartaches, and past, and flaws, you are magnificent. You are a walking artwork, and so are we all. We are worth a live without suffering - you are worth the life without this monster gripping you! You are exquisite and nothing, not even depression and anxiety and pain, can take it from you. You are lovely. You are loving. You are kind. And you are heard by me and I shout to you across the continents: I care, @Solitaryshadow! You are worth the fight!
I know you feel so tired and scared. Let me take care of you, only if for a little while. Here, there are soft pillows and warm blanket for you. Would you like some kind of a distraction from this everlasting dread. Maybe soothing sounds? Show? Or a song? ? A cute live animal feed? A game? A relaxing video? Or would you like to talk to me? I'm not a listener, but still I care about you. I'd love to ease your heartache, help you carry this unbearable weight, because you don't deserve it.
Breathe with me, darling. Deeply, inhale through your nose and exhale through a mouth. Or listen the lovely voice in here. Just make it through this day. It will end, no matter what. You can do it. You are so strong. You can survive. I believe in you.
If I could take away all the pain from you, I could. I don't have this power, but fortunately there are people in this world who have such skills. Please talk to one of them. You don't have to suffer. You are worth the best of universes, my love.
Please, let me know did you manage to phone someone. I care about you.
Sending all of my strength, and hope, and love, so you could make it. And I know you will. You're invincible.
*hugs so tightly to shield you from the pain and dread*
@celaeno I called. They talked me down. I had the pills in my hands but they convinced me to stop. Last night was hard again. I called again. I told my mom. She was sad. I don't like it when she's sad. I don't want to hurt her. She said she loves me and said she was so sorry for not seeing it sooner. She made me flush the pills I had. She sat with me through the night. Thank you celaeno
My dearest @Solitaryshadow, I'm so happy you wrote back! Seeing your message made my heart skip a bit, I think. You made me so happy! I care for you, darling. Thank you for writing back 
Can I just how proud I am of you? Really, I'm tearing up thinking how much effort it took you to reached out - twice! my wonderful! - and to tell your mother that you're struggling. You are so strong, my lovely! Even if you feel so dreadful right now, even if you think you don't deserve kindness and attention, listen to my words and believe them. You are a warrior. You keep fighting. You did such a great job. I am proud of you.
I want to hug you so much... My beautiful flower, there are so many things I want to tell you. About your will, your patience, compassion towards strangers, honesty and good heart. I want to hug you so much, but unfortunately I can't. At least the thought that there is your mum with you comforts me. Whatever happens, no matter how much darkness will try to consume you, I am here for you. I will always be here for you. And I know there are many others who will stand you beside me and to keep holding onto you. We won't let you go.
*hugs intensely*
Would you mind if I keep writing to you? I'd love to stay in touch with you, darling. I want to be there when you will overcome this sorrow, I want to be all the way through.
Lots of love!
@celaeno thank you. it was a terrifying night. i know its good that i called and then told my mom but i don't know what is going to come next. i don't know how to go on from here. the stuff is still in my head. it is scarying me that it is so vivid. what happens if it gets stronger than me? i don't think i want to die but i don't know if im going to be able to fight it if the urge to end it comes back so strong and loud like it did. the pain is hard and its holding me and it wont let me go. i prayed and i was able to sleep for a few hours. i didnt have any nightmares. im hoping for more sleep later tonight.
@celaeno, today was a hard day. lots of anxiety and thoughts too. the anxiety was at the front today. im on edge and jittery. tonight the thoughts and the anxiety are fighting to come to the front and making my head hurt.
My wonderful @Solitaryshadow, I'm sorry to hear that. It's hard, isn't it? So hard, and you endure it all. You're so brave, darling. So courageous and kind. Just keep holding on - take my hand and hold on, love. You cane make it, I believe in you.
Here's my little gift for you, so you could listen to some nice tunes, instead of these crushing waves of pain...
"You are not alone
I am here with you
Even when you're scared
I'll never leave you
Standing in a storm"
"Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong"
"Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone"
"You taught me the courage of stars before you left.
How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist."
"And you'll find loss
And you'll fear what you found
When weather comes
Tearing down"
"You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
And everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes"
"You were a child who was made of glass
You carried a black heart passed down from your dad
If somebody loved you, they'd tell you by now
We all turn away when you're down"
"Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell"
"Well at least I got some room to fall apart
Ask me if I
@celaeno thank you. I'm trying to keep going. Today was weird and scared me a little. My head feels weird. I'm jittery and the thoughts are coming back. I'm trying tho.
@Solitaryshadow, I'm so glad that you're trying. It really all that counts, darling. Try to be less hard on yourself - you are really doing everything you can, lovely. I'm really proud of you.
If you feel jittery, maybe try some physical activity to ease the restlessness? If you feel up to it, of course. Walking maybe? Or dancing? Moving around helps me to lessen these feelings.
How was your day today? Did you watch some movie?
I'm waiting to hear from you. I always look forward to read messages from you ^^ It became a nice constant in my life.
Lots of love!
@celaeno
Today was really hard. last night i passed out because i was so exhausted. Slept for 5 hours. most sleep ive had in a long time. Thoughts are still here. upped meds starting this morning. hoping theyll work. fearing they wont.
did watch movie-twister- has happy ending. going to try to sleep now. late here and thoughts are tempting me to act. fighting it. praying for no nightmares. thank you for being here.
@Solitaryshadow, not a problem, I'm here, lovely.
In my place it's already a brand new morning, and I have loads of free time. Chatting with you also helps me a bit. I isolate too much in general, so reaching out to you, makes me feel connected.
I hope your meds start to work soon, wonderful. I also take something, and for me they make a huge difference. Unfortunately they take their time to start doing their little magic, but we can wait together, Some time ago I waited 4 weeks to feel any improvement, but last month, taking something different, I already felt the difference after 1 week only. So it all vary. You just need to continue to show a little bit of patience farther down the road.
You are doing amazing job, really! It's really hard, and maybe some people can't understand the struggle and urges, but it doesn't mean you are not doing wonderfully! I'm so proud of you, flower.
Sleep well, lovely. Sleep is safe, even if it comes to you reluctantly, embrace it. You deserve to rest, darling.
Lots of love!
@Solitaryshadow, how are you feeling today, lovely?
I know it is kind of weird, but last night I have a dream about you ^^; I dream that I receive a message from you through some boy who claimed to be your friend. He said that you're really thankful to me for writing to you, and... that's it. Nothing else. I think for the first time in my life I had a dream about Internet ^^;
But still, I just wanted to know how are you doing, darling. Did you manage to have some sleep?
Sending you lots of love!
*hugs*
@celaeno
your dream was right. I am thankful for you writing to me. Days have been up and down. Last night I got really shaky. Don't know why. Laid down tried breathing stuff. Fell asleep. Didn't dream. No nightmares. Yesterday was bad.
@celaeno thank you for caring about me
@celaeno
I miss your messages. I hope you are doing ok. I hope to hear from you again. Your kind words always help to make me smile and feel like i belong and am cared for. I hope you know I care for you too.
@Solitaryshadow, I'm sorry, wonderful, I have troubles with accessing my account, and on top of that I had a pretty harsh week. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, but for now, I'm back.
I'm so happy reading your messages too, dearest. Knowing that you are here with me, in this community, is a great source of relief for me. And during battles with depression I treasure every one of them.
I know you are struggling right now. I've read every posts on your feed, and I was heartbroken I couldn't write to you back. I'm here for you now. I also care about you, and I think about your strength and persistence a lot. In fact it was one of things which helped me endure my own pain.
How are you feeling now, darling?
Lots, and lots, and lots of hugs!
hi @celaeno i wish i could say i was good. but im not. i wish so many things that i know will never come true. things are getting darker. i dont know how im going to get through tomorrow. tomorrow is going to be the hardest day ive faced in a long time. even harder than the last few days. i too, wish that we could meet in real life. i smiled when i saw your post. just like how reading my posts helps you, reading your posts help me. you make me feel valued and cared about and loved. im trying my hardest today. today is bad. worse than yesterday. worse than the day before. the only thing i see in the future is darkness. it makes it hard to want to keep going. but im trying my best to hold on.
Love, would you like to talk a bit for a while?
I may or may not setup a listener account for only this purpose to chat with you, @Solitaryshadow ^^; Just send PM to spes.
I think i'd like that @celaeno. so we can have a real time convo
You reached out for help. That takes strength and will. You are stronger than you feel, and more loved than you know. Hang in there. It will get better. Thank you for coming here. Lots of people here care and want to help you.
You should use this talent to write a killer rock song. Then laugh back at depression with the sweet smell of revenge.
