Does it even get better?

It never seems to get better. Every time I wake up in the morning, I'm always filled with guilt of why I didn't commit last night. It makes me angry that I am still alive, so that means I will still need to go through everything again. Even if I really need to stay alive, I just want to stay in bed and cry. Then I will go to school, and wonder why am I even sent here. At school, I'm known as intelligent, but that doesn't really help, since nobody knows what's going on behind all of my good grades. My mum always expects me to get high grades, no matter what, no matter how. No matter if I have studied hard or not, she only wanted the grades. I feel like those grades are the ones that define me. I am defined by numbers. I feel like a burden. And I can't stop telling myself how stupid I am when I get some bad grades (bad, for my mum, is below 90). Then I will laugh and talk with my friends, but little do they know. Not everything is that simple. I always talk as if nothing happened. I entertain everyone - like literally everyone with my jokes, but that's for them to be happy, not for me to. It's like I can never be happy anymore. Even the littlest things make me sad, yet people called me weak and crybaby for that. I sadly realize that this is all too much, knowing my age, I am only just 12. It's tragic that this is what society does to people - not only teenagers but everyone. I am destructed and broken already, and I want to die. When I was 10, that was two years ago, I was bullied. Bullied by this girl for a whole year. I've read that people who bully are tend to be unsatisfied with their life. This girl has no father anymore. That makes me feel extremely guilty for hating her that much because she bullied me. I'm an awful person. I'm cruel. However, my bully is known in school as pretty and clever and nice - at least in front of the teachers. She is tall, skinny, and she is good-looking. She also gets good marks. But she's a hypocrite, she's kind in front of the teachers but she bullies in the back. Well, I guess that could cover my guilt. Even though she bullied me, I feel very bad for her, so I'm glad she's more perfect and known than me. Anyways who am I, I don't deserve popularity or beauty. When I was 11, I attempted suicide by hitting the blade to my skin three times. I thought that was the end. But it wasn't - I didn't die. I didn't attempt anymore. And I don't even know why. When I was 10-11, I had anorexia. Seeing my friends having small arms and thighs makes me want to be like them too. I starved. I even had bulimia for only some months. I hated my body. It took me a year to recover from ED. Yet I still want to die. Nobody understands me. Not even my therapist. She didn't give me any therapies. She gave me a medication to control my mood, but I told her I am not moody. I am depressed. She smiled and told me to consume the drug once a day. Let alone my mum. Every time I tried to begin this conversation with her, she gets angry. I don't know why. She thinks I'm crazy and overreacting. I am an activist that defends feminism and I participate in many anti bullying and suicide prevention campaigns. I listen to people, no matter if they're 10 years older than me. That's my only way to make myself feel better, knowing that my reality life is no more worth. Does it get better? If yes, then why am I still suffering?