Dumping grounds for everyone - How do you feel?

[TW: S*lf h*rm , su*cidal thoughts, ect]

I just feel so lonely all the time. But I'm afraid if I reach out I'll be a burdan or I'll ruin the little care people do have for me. It's a constant unending fear of d*ing alone but being too scared to ask for help.

Nobody knows how truly sad I feel. I'm always the friend people can lean on for support-which I don't mind- but I isolate myself further in an attempt to not stress out any of my loved ones.

I think I've gotten a hug or two every year since beginning of high school.

I'm spiraling, and I'm more su*cidal than I've been in years. I'm just tired. And when I try to tell my friends how bad I feel it always gets shoved off or subject change.

I just want someone to love me. But I'm afraid that'll never happen.

Annoyed, confused. Why do some people feel such a strong need to punish those who already punish themselves? Are some people so desperate for control of others that they enjoy the cruelty they put forth? My father is the classic alpha male wannnabe, but the only thing he really is? A fake, a coward. My mother said when she first starting dating him he wasn't popular at all. 21 years in the military and he returned more abusive each time. Years later and his anger is worse. I can't shake a particular memories when he put his hands on me. My mother defended him like always and blamed me. She still did and is confused about why I refuse to speak to her now. I'm anxious right now but also wonder why I'm not doing anything to get out of this environment at 22? Why do I believe my parents' lies that home is the safest place when really it isn't? Home has made me very sick. Why haven't I gotten a job and left yet? Am I lazy? I'm dependent. Is this just another way of SH? Keeping myself sick? I do want to recover. But why do I let my brain wander until I have flashbacks and depressive episodes when I need to be doing something else instead? I want my heart to give out. That is part of why I'm sick. Yet I want to live and get revenge on my abusive parents that way. I want to rub success in their faces. They don't support me, they try to control me. They're just like my ED. Except my ED seems to care more. It protects me, as my therapist says. I need it to protect me.

Honestly Ive really been struggling with my mental health lately and I havent shared it with anyone. Normally I tell a couple of my close friends but for some reason this time is different like I cant bring myself to talk to them or tell them. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and I just feel so trapped and alone. Ive missed a lot of school due to my anxiety and depression and Im doing very poorly in school. Ive been struggling for a really long time now and Im just tired of feeling tired. I dread each and everyday and all I want to do is stay at home and sit on the couch all day doing nothing. Things that used to make me happy like going to practice and seeing my friends is something I wish I could just skip. I feel like Im drowning and I want to talk to my mom about it and I tried to last night but I chickened out because I was too scared. I dont know why this time is more difficult to talk about my mental health but it is.