Dwindling willpower
I feel as if I have been on the end of my rope for 8 unrelenting years (I'm 25). I hate to bear the mentality of a victim but life has not been kind to me. Suicide is all I can think about again recently and I can't afford therapy. It hasn't helped much in the past. I have also tried a number of medication. I've tried really hard for a number of years to create a social connection, but quickly find out no one actually cares. It's hard to see my treatment resistant depression as anything but a sign that I should end my suffering.
First off hello, I totally get the feeling... every turn seems to have a negative direction that brings your morale to a 0 point and you wonder why this is the life your given? So everyone says wait something will change in the better and all you feel is nope, and easy for you to say like that sentence shows they have no idea how you feel, I thought this way and it’s helped.... ask yourself why is suicide even a solution because all honesty it’s not why does it have to be that difficult to just be content, it has to come from yourself and you have to set realistic goals or your idle mind can eat you up, it does to me, my name is Alias and you can reply back here on anything I’ll listen
Is it not an option to DM you? What happens when this post disappears from being outdated?
It takes a while for it to outdate... and there’s always a way to communicate, how you feeling today? Just today
I feel exhausted by the spinning thoughts. My job is incredibly menial and it's a struggle to keep mentally engaged. The idea of trying to find help is overwhelming since that takes energy and It's not an option to ask for time off. I never had a safe, secure place to call home due to a turbulent upbringing. I don't have any opportunity to take time off in the foreseeable future either. There's a voice in my head telling me that if I was really compassionate to myself, I would just end my pain, that it didn't deserve to be tortured.
And thank you for even responding. It's my first time using this app. Right now, it feels like I'm having a panic attack but except in very slow motion. That is basically what I feel like about 70 percent of the time. I've done a considerable amount of research into anxiety and depression in attempt to gain insight into it.. what I learned is that due to how chronic it is, it's clinically safe to say that I'll struggle with it for the rest of my life. I don't see a point putting myself through that. I tried to battle those thoughts..."but you can't know the future for certain". "Well science says it is". And it goes back and forth. You get the point.
Man could not have worded it better myself, it’s totally a true feeling, building the the thought that you are being cruel to yourself by existing, ask yourself how you would respond to someone who felt this way... you would jump to help because you know the pain and how crippling it is how much it would help if someone just stepped up! it’s almost impossible but you have to find the way to jump to help for yourself
I don't know if I would argue with someone that expressed they feel like they shouldn't torture themselves by pushing on. I honestly don't, because I know exactly what kind of pain they're in.
That’s why I’m on here finding ways, outlets it helps
And of course, it helps to talk to someone
There really isn’t an answer you know, but I’ll listen and sometimes that helps.
It's okay, thanks for trying.
Please remember that a big part of depression is that IT LIES TO YOU. How effed up is that? Your own brain is telling you things that are not true.
You are a valuable person. You are worthy of love and attention and help. Some part of you knows this, that's why you're still trying. The part that wants to try needs to be supported, maybe by therapy or medication or just genuine human compassion. Cups does offer therapy so maybe reach out to a licensed professional?
Most everyone on cups can offer genuine human compassion and connection. I have only been here a few weeks and I was intimidated by everything and accomplishing almost nothing. Finding a Listener seemed too risky so I took a different giant scary step and dropped into the Sharing Circle. Just lurked the first couple times, reading what people were sharing and seeing how others responded. Then I started offering support and understanding and I was kind of amazed at how good it made me feel. To see someone in pain and know that they appreciated the compassion and connection was very healing for me, even though I shared nothing of my situation. Being able to help someone is an astounding experience. I highly recommend it.
Asking for help feels like you're taking a big risk but you're here, doing exactly that. I am proud you're so brave and hope you continue to reach out. <3
Thank you. I can't afford therapy at the moment and in the past it hasn't helped much anyhow. I felt like I could really use a group setting (but there's a plague) hence why I joined this thing. I had in the past actually thought about doing volunteer work for nami or something like that. I think it would help me to try and help others. I don't think it's helping me to put myself in a position of weakness. I am aware that I bear too much of that mentality. Your message was really nice to end my day with.
