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yibird23
227 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 10, 2021
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When your best just isn't good enough.
Depression Support / by yibird23
Last post
 July 14th, 2024
...See more I have done so much. I have done so, so, so *** much to improve things and not just passively sitting around waiting for things to improve. And things are still not even bearable on a basic level. When you can't ever catch a break, you really think the universe is conspiring against you.  It takes a toll, can you blame me? Friends can barely bother, despite how much effort I put in to being supportive, and faking positivity. My partner turned into someone I don't even know, and won't stop criticizing me despite my communication that it hurts me. I am on the verge of being fired for the forth time, despite doing all I can to go above and beyond.  And family? They were the reason for crippling trauma. Oh and I don't mean that in a "sensitive snowflake" way. I was physically and verbally abused for most of my life (I'm 28). But all professionals care about is finding more mental illness labels for you. As if you are fundamentally defective as a human being, and not due to having lived through horrific things.  This world beyond hostile and dysfunctional. And I'm not "maladaptive" for desiring to not be alive in it. 
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It's not news: life isn't fair.
Trauma Support / by yibird23
Last post
 July 30th, 2022
...See more A lot of traumatizing things have happened since childhood up until now (26 years old), and I have been in therapy on and off for the past 8 years while trying a plethora of medication. I cannot say individual therapy has done very much good for me (I have had better results in group therapy). Frankly, talking about those events feels like being re-traumatized. Like the pain gets driven deeper into the core of my being. It feels as if talking about everything just reinforced, and was possibly the entire root of this victim mentality I have came to adapt and identify with. It also hurt me to sit there and watch their generic display of sympathy. Over the course of many years, I have examined this very popular belief system that things happen for a reason. As time went on, I have came to realize that there is not some cosmic force that has any real structure. I have came to realize... telling ourselves that God has personalized plans for us in ways we may not necessarily understand is in the same realm of survival mechanism as people who close themselves off to emotion altogether. I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense. What also doesn't make sense, is that there's this societal expectation for those who have encountered serious adversities in life to magically come out of the other side as this superior, improved version of their previous selves. If there's one thing we know about life, is that it isn't about being fair. Dare I say, is it fair to pressure anyone to not only survive a certain event (or a series of events) but to emerge as this stronger, more evolved human being? Because really, it makes a lot of us feel like failures. It makes a lot of us feel like we suffer from some inherent character defect to not have extrapolated some inspirational, grand wisdom from being victims of some tremendously difficult things. It makes so many of us feel less-than. The suffering is enough without being compounded by this underlying expectation to showcase to ourselves and everyone else how wise and strong we are. It really is.
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People keep telling you to "reach out"
Depression Support / by yibird23
Last post
 March 1st, 2021
...See more Anyone ever called the suicide hotline and found it completely useless? I recently did that and the person just spewed all the cliché things about how life is worth living.
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Reminder
Depression Support / by yibird23
Last post
 February 17th, 2021
...See more Just because you are struggling, doesn't mean you're failing. <3
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Dwindling willpower
Depression Support / by yibird23
Last post
 February 12th, 2021
...See more I feel as if I have been on the end of my rope for 8 unrelenting years (I'm 25). I hate to bear the mentality of a victim but life has not been kind to me. Suicide is all I can think about again recently and I can't afford therapy. It hasn't helped much in the past. I have also tried a number of medication. I've tried really hard for a number of years to create a social connection, but quickly find out no one actually cares. It's hard to see my treatment resistant depression as anything but a sign that I should end my suffering.
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