Everyday is a struggle.

I hope this post is not going to be censored like the last time I posted about my suicidal intention.

To that censor, most of the cited crisis resources are unhelpful for my case since I'm not American, British nor Australian or so. A suicide hotline is not even exist in my country.

Now, with hope, I have to find somebody who is willing (and able) to listen to my negativity. The fact that I must seek help using my second language makes a lot of sense.

(Yeah, I know. That sounds rude when you read out loud)

When literally have to shut down every single window of your room in order to have peace in your mind.

"Now, then. You are lucky to even have a room. Don't you know that there are children in Africa..."

Shut up. If you want, I can give you a worse news about people being tortured to death in North Korea.

Yeah, you're right I'm too privileged so my problems are nothing compared to others. I guess I should shut up and keep on working/studying like I have been doing for about 20 years.

("Complain, complain, complain")

("Complain, complain, complain")

("Complain, complain, complain")

("Complain, complain, complain")

("Complain, complain, complain")

("Complain, complain, complain")

Shut up!

Weird, huh? I'm supposed to be a man, you know, a stereotypical kind of man, almost emotionless, overall tough, exactly alpha and a gentleman nonetheless.

Turns out, I'm the opposite of such stereotype. Too sensitive and emotional most of the time, hidden too well under polite conversations with others and becoming more secretive overtime. I mean the name Djohnoe is an obvious fake name, right?

Yeah, sure. Probably, I'm beta. There are countless times other guys called me "gay" (despite me being straight), "sissy", "whiner", etc. (obviously not in English).

("So, soyboy?")

The last time I drank soy milk was like 5 years ago, shut up.

("So, cuck?")

I never have a romantic relationship for the last 20 years. How can you be a cuck if you don't even have a girlfriend to be cheated on?

("So, otaku/nerd/hikkikomori/brony/herbivore-like?")

I think you forgot the last term. #LearntheInsult. Still, I think you are trying to insult others to cover your own insecurities. But why me though, I'm you. We are inside the same mind and the same body.

Remember the last time, you broke "our" fingers out of frustration. "We" were barely able to type or carry heavy objects.

("Should I tell everybody that you found no crisis hotline available?")

When did you become so caring?

("I am you. We don't really have roles to play. I can be either your anxiety or your conscience.")

I think they must have guessed it, right?

{Yep.} [Yeah.] <Kinda'> /Uh-huh./ |Sorta'|

Wait, how many of us actually?

("Depending on the number of available bracket types.")

It hurts my eyes to read them.

(That's why there should have been me, the (), and you)

Wait, are you the same (), like where is ""?

(Well, i'm different.)

Ok. About the crisis hotline.

(Not sure about that. Like, how can you dial the ("American") National Suicide Prevention Hotline without being American?)

Well, I did fabricated myself as living in either in Austin, San Francisco, Houston or Los Angeles. Failed. Maybe I should try New York next.

(How about IP? They must have detected you.)

There's still VPN but not much hope.

(You do realize that you have been posting nonstop like a typical attention seeker. Guess what, even in this community, you are still nothing. Tomorrow is the last day and you know it. No one will be there to help you.)

Welcome back, me. You're back with harsh words as always.

(Greetings, maniac. How're you?)

Keep making internal dialogues and probably must have confused everybody out here.

(I see. We have been doing this, for like, 20 years?)

When we were younger, things were easier but they sucked. I mean, who would have predicted that when you neglect a child, he may grow up with a broken mind? A mind that cannot provide a decent collection of emotional concepts and logical thoughts, or even moral senses.

(Who are you to blame? It's all your fault. Stop blaming others. I told you to stop complaining to God)

I get it. Shut up. I praised Him multiple times, too. Complains were not the only things I spoke to him. Guess what, He was the only one in real life to listen to me.

Now, it's my choice. Either selfishly ending my life or selfishly living without a mind.

[To the censor that is reading this line, go ahead and fix that "ending", it's no longer matter. There is not even a crisis hotline in my country. I have no support in real life - my family nor friends are just as distant and/or cruel as you think they are. ]

[The Samaritans are helping me but maybe that's not enough.]

[Maybe there is hope. I don't know, I'm hopeless. I'm going to violate a bunch of community rule by doing this: johndoen2702@gmail.com]

[That's my fake email used for all of this emotion related things. Remember that I have to make my choice tomorrow 9th January. ]

(Sorry about that. It must have triggered people. I mean why we have to avoid being triggered. It's just as bad as the way we are living)

(You know, how about exercising, eating healthy, meditating or hanging out more?)

(You know, how about stop being too sensitive or shy?)

(You know, how about getting a job, like there is a couple of part-time ones around?)

(You know, how about stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others? Even if you're gone, nothing is going to change. The Earth still rotates. It's just you and your ego.)

(You know, that's so called "depression" is a collaborated scheme between pharmacies and doctors just to get our cashes.)

(You know, you're just being weak. Man up!)

(You know, you're just being negative. Stay away from me, you're toxic.)

(You know, I'm not going to talk about that.)

(You know. Just die already, no one wants you here.)

You know, I give up.

(Well, no one even bothered to reply to your pathetic post. Now, it's exactly like in real life.)

(What did you expect, no one wants you here in the first place.)

(They don't understand you as you couldn't get a social skill to work and talk to them.)

(Here, you are loathing yourself.)

(You are nothing but an attention seeker, despite the fact that this is not Facebook, Twitter nor Instagram.)

(Why are typing? Didn't you plan to kill yourself today?)

Sorry about the negativity.

I got to therapy and now I feel better. Things are still hard though.

I was scolded for simply being weak.

(Who cares, right?) [Well, someone does.] {Top 10 Most Common Things People Thought Everyday - YOU WON'T BELIEVE NUMBER 4!!! #TopTenz #FunFact} |Learn How to be Rich with Cryptocurrency Now!!! - https://bit.ly/N0tFR34SlY| <What?>

Wow, there's even ads in my mind.

(This happens everytime, you'll get used to it. They're basically clickbait stuffs you found on the internet.) [I accidentally follow one of them.] (Which?) [The top 15 memes of 2018.] (Nice, share me the link, 'kay.) [Here.] (Great!)

It's not even a group chat.

(Get back to reality and the fact that you sucks)

Is bullying myself bully?

[Nah, I think they call it "self-harm".] (Emo stuff?) [Maybe.] (When will he makes a vent video? I wanna see it on cringe compilations)

Even with meds, we are still stuck with each others.

(Lol, just you!) {Top 8 Most Bizarre Things People Do Everyday - YOU WILL LAUGH AT NUMBER 2!!! #FunFact #LOL} |Single Ladies in Your Area, Need a Good Listener!!! - https://bit.ly/Mn0tFr34SlyG41n|

(So like, this thread is your venting ground?)

Probably, unless you want to see something like this on Facebook.

(Or some Youtube's cringe compilations, where people read outloud your posts and laugh. Or a subreddit dedicated to the CringeLord of 7Cups.)

You know what. I'd rather check on the ads than talking to you.

(Until the next post, then.)