Everything hurts

I had a dream last night where no one would listen to me, so I jumped off a bridge into the lake water below. I woke up before the impact, but the emotions carried into my waking life.

I didn't go to work today, took a sick day because I can't feel my face and really am fighting with my desire to just end it all right here. Trying super hard not to self harm.

I am going to therapy, and it helps a lot, but it isn't a cure all and is very expensive. I can only afford to go once per month . The medications I have tried do not help. I have been on and off of different stuff since I was 18. I am now 27.

I have also been feeling like it is really wearing on my boyfriend. He has had a complete personality switch as of late. Is extremely emotionally distant and cold. We still communicate daily. But it is shallow and not very kind. He checks out when I am insecure or sad and comes back to respond to a meme. Yet he says he wants to be there for me, says my depression isn't an issue and says he loves me. He says these things but doesn't show it.

I did not want to date, but he pursued me....I thought maybe he could understand me and be compassionate, since he claims to have been where I am now for many years of his life. But I feel the opposite is true, like he is just waiting for it to go away...or is only with me out of the feat that I will do something stupid if he leaves. I don't really know what to do, so I am reaching out.

Everything hurts.