Exhausted

I have been told to ‘advertise’ myself on social media for my career. Nothing too serious, just posting my works a bit, so people can get to know my capabilities. It’s normal, many people do it, of course. I know I can do it... technically. I know what I should post, what I should say, but fuck, simply imagining it makes me feel so damn tired. Yet, not using it would make me lost contact with my friends, and I just— God, I’m so tired in thinking of taking another ‘skin’, another role, another thing I have to pretend. From the things I plan to the things I do, to the things I wear, I do it just to blend in, to camouflage, to seem normal, and even in doing it, I am already seem like a freak for some people, even my friends, anti social they called it. But I’m tired to maintaining my facial expression, thinking the right replies, saying the right things at the right time so no one notice anything wrong— when simply thinking about what I have to do for the next day leave me exhausted. Thinking I have to maintain this farce I don’t even know what for, at the end I can’t connect with anyone else all the same after all. I feel so alone, I don’t even get myself, why I feel sad, angry, afraid and tired and other things I can’t explain when my life is okay? There’s this gap, barrier between me and myself & me and other people. I wish I am stronger than this, the people in my life deserve someone better than me, but oh fuck I’m so fucking tired what the hell is wrong with me