Far from all friends, from my continent, living in a hostile envious environment for 5 years, anxiety attacks, depression & generally a mess!Need help

Oh and I forgot to add: I can

First thing I want you to know is that I understand that slipping away feeling you're referring to. I also understand the feelings of confusion and feeling utterly overwhelmed by everything around you. Your words "I feel like I'm drowning" explain that feeling perfectly. I wanted you to know that I get it, and I won't judge you for it. Those who do attempt to judge you without walking a mile in your shoes are not worth your time and emotions.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It seems like you depend on receiving quite a bit from other people and this concerns me. People are very unreliable at times and when you rely on something so unreliable for such a precious emotion like happiness, well, very rarely does it work out. The most reliable thing we have is ourselves because we are the one constant thing in our lives. Friendship is very important and it's good to have someone other than ourselves to depend on. Social outings and laughter brought on by fun times with friends is a great stress reliever and good for us in many ways. However, if we begin to rely solely on these outside sources for something we should also be getting from ourselves, that's when it becomes a problem. The best way to be happy with others is to learn to be happy alone. That way, the company will be a matter of choice and not necessity.

You mention you need your friends again, how happy you are when you are out in public and being social, and how the insults of others really brings you down. But you never mention being happy when you're by yourself. Why is that? Are you friends with yourself? When was the last time you went off on your own and pampered yourself? Fixed your hair a certain way, painted your nails, took a long bubble bath and read a great book? Spoiled yourself? When was the last time you spoke to yourself? Confided in yourself? Loved yourself? Laughed with yourself? You mention how kind and fun you are, if you know this and know all the good things you posses, why does it matter to you so much what other people think of you? The beautiful thing about loving ourselves and establishing a relationship with ourselves is once we do this, other people's opinions suddenly don't hit us as hard because we're happy with who we are. Yes it isn't easy to brush off the negativity other people carry around with them but it's far from impossible and we like possible.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! I can tell that you love him very much and he is very precious to you. Laughter from a child is an amazing remedy for anything negative. And while they are a great source of happiness, they can't be your only source. Please don't ever think that happiness is connected to whether you're a good mother or not. Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you don't have worries and stresses. Even the best mothers get overwhelmed and have bad days. Great mothers aren't the ones who never cry, they're the ones who keep trying in the midst of it. And from what you've said, even in the middle of you feeling like you're drowning, you have never allowed it to negatively affect your son and never lost your patience with him. It seems to me like you're an amazing mother and I can only hope to be able to do the same one day when I have a child.

Drinking is a good way to relax, but it won't fix the thoughts that causes you to drink in the first place. A band-aid can only do so much, you know? Healing has to happen beneath the band-aid in order for the wound to close. Same with the feelings you're experiencing. Alcohol will only do so much if healing is not happening at the same time. Instead of drinking to forget how you feel, why not write it down? Sometimes plucking our thoughts from the eternal abyss that is our mind and putting it onto a physical object like a piece of paper allows us to assess things from a different perspective. When they're on a physical object, our thoughts and feelings suddenly aren't as overwhelming because they aren't swimming all around us like they tend to do when we keep them inside. It also acts as a release and you will thank yourself for doing it.

Your OCD tendencies could be triggered by the sudden onslaught of anxiety you're feeling. You mentioned that going to a therapist when your mom passed helped you. (I'm very sorry about her passing, by the way.) Could going to a therapist in these last months before you leave for NYC help you work through these feelings and give you that extra strength you need to hold on? I think you need to speak to someone about how you're feeling, and it would give you an outlet of sorts.

As far as not sleeping at night, have you tried exercising? When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins and endorphins trigger a positive feeling inside of the body. Regular exercise has been proven to ward off anxiety and improves sleep. Pair this with a hot bubble bath with lavender candles/lavender soaps and it would be the perfect recipe for a good sleep! Just a thought!

Anyways, those are my suggestions. Be your own friend and pamper yourself, don't be so hard on yourself when it comes to motherhood, write down your feelings instead of drinking, speak to a professional, and exercise. I hope this helped a bit and remember - you're not alone! You are a kind, fun, and strong individual. I have faith that you'll beat this and that NYC will come sooner than you realize. Hang in there! You've got this!