Feeling Like A Failure Despite Success
For 30 years, I have often felt like a massive failure even when experiencing success.
I just wrote out 2 full pages of all of my achievements or successes in 30 years to try to force myself to think objectively rather than subjectively.
I was going to delete the document but I think I will keep it for whenever I feel like a failure.
I realize this is only a feeling; most probably a symptom of bi-polar disorder or depression or intense 'goal-setting'. I am learning to challenge all such strong emotions (especially the negative ones).
For anonymity reasons, I won't be sharing my own specific successes on this list. This forum thread was just to get these feelings off my chest.
To sum it up. I have been blessed enough to be well educated in my chosen field (to Masters degree level), to succeed in beginning my dream career as a Professional which is extremely difficult to get into, to have done well in many sports (to Semi-Professional level as well as excelling in most), to be well travelled (having visited many countries), to have been in love twice in long-term relationships (2 years and 4 years respectively), to have a loving, supportive family (albeit small and with their own mental health problems, despite being unhealthily over-critical they have always loves and supported and cared for me in their own ways), to have enjoyed many friendships over the years (even if they haven't lasted due to my travelling), to have enjoyed many hobbies and interests, to be healthy, safe, fed, sheltered, etc.
Unfortunately, I have also seen an extreme amount of pain, grief, trauma, suffering, heartbreak, mental health issues, etc. Perhaps this is what I focused on more that did not allow me to see the successes and achievements of my life. Perhaps I focused more on the bad stuff, or the failures or shortcomings. Perhaps I also focused too much on how I wanted my dreams to come true rather than letting life naturally unfold. Perhaps I can even view these as a success since I have gratefully overcome my drug and alcohol addictions and overcome my life's traumas as a whole.
Perhaps I am looking at society's versions of success rather than my own too. (Wealth, status, fame, etc; none of which I have)
I have also been guilty of, whenever I have attained or achieved something that at once felt impossible in my life, I have usually then raised the bar and set another equally seemingly impossible goal, rather than celebrate and enjoy the actual attained success.
So I felt like sharing in case this resonated with anyone else. I'm keen to hear what you have learnt if you have struggled with this in your own lives as I want to change this around now and leave such 'feelings of failure' in the past, where they truly and utterly belong.
Thanks for reading.
I'd heard of something called 'Imposter Syndrome' and didn't know whether this applied to me or not.
Or perhaps I had focused way too hard on all of my losses and failures, rather than choosing to simply learn from them and regard my victories and successes...
I'm still learning at 30.
@SilverbackTiger
I have to admit, I was reading your first post and "Imposter Syndrome" was one of the very first thoughts in my mind. I went along and scrolled down and see that you have started to question that yourself. You came up with that all on your own before me ever even mentioning it.
I think it's worth a google search, delving deeper into the thought, and what that means and how it could apply to you. I think its worth considering and greatly!
But I think it's fair to also take everything else into account. Your pain, your struggles, things you have seen and things you have had to endure in this life. It all becomes a part of us and it affects us. And so because of all of that, this could be where the "Imposter Syndrome" is coming from. Things have a way of layering and piling up. Clustering, comorbity, etc.
I imagine even though you have achieved so very much in your life it's hard to give yourself a pat on the back! I Imagine it's hard to just let yourself "off the hook" and be at peace for a moment and as you said, celebrate those victories. It's so interesting because celebrating victories and with others is something I speak of often! And I see it as a needful thing 
I see so very much of me in you and in your words. I use to feel like this too, I know how it feels, I understand. I too would be considered to be quite accomplished in the eyes of some and I don't speak of that much here on this site unless directly questioned and it comes up organically. But I guess something inside of me changed one day with me ...maybe being tired of me not being good enough to myself. Not holding others to the same standards that I hold myself to.
One thing that helped was me was realizing that you can't "please the unpleasable" and getting away from people that have caused me trauma, even geography was key. I kept moving further and further emotionally as well. And I finally just cut that cord. It's over. It's hard to feel good about yourself if someone has such severe mental health issues that all they want to do is inflict pain on you, put you down, etc. I got rid of them face to face, phone to phone and finally even email. It's refreshing to not hear hateful words and negativity so often. You get away from it and their voices still resonate in your head and eventually, they fade, a lot with time 
Eventually you see them for the mess they are, try to forgive them because forgiving them is a gift unto yourself but also refusing to ever be lured back in.
I didn't exactly give up, but I did throw my hands in the air sort of speak and tell myself that it's over. That there is peace in acceptance and their is power in authenticity. I am truly authentic now. I am truly me and I have learned to love myself and a great deal! Being authentic has given me my power back and freedom and such joy! I can bring so much joy to others now and here on this site also, and they never would even guess the horrid past I have had. I have accepted it all finally.
I made a conscious decision to value myself more and realize my worth. I'm still a slow burn kind of person, I am very patient and I am very kind. I still give people many more chances than I logically know that they deserve, but it's a choice and I remain hopeful. But I have my limits and I am much more in tune with myself now and I know when enough is enough. I make sure to keep toxic people away from me, because I don't need it and I'm too good for them. Once I'm done, I'm done and I never look back.
I know it's hard for you to give yourself credit and give yourself a pat on the back. But if you don't mind, I'd like to do it for you! I think you are so very intelligent, so very well written, so very brave to create this forum post. I know it takes courage my friend! It sounds as if your journey has only just begun. You are starting to question everything. You are getting tired of feeling this way and so it sounds as if you truly are very in tune with yourself and you just very well may be on the cusp of a brand new beginning! You sound like an amazing person and I bet in real life, you are a truly amazing friend to others. I send you big *hugs*
@SilverbackTiger Exactly what I'm feeling right now. And what makes things more difficult is that, I don't really have people to whom I could complain about these things because, they might think, seriously you're complaining about success?
I just graduated from professional school last year, and passed the state licensure exam this year. Just last month, in the middle of this pandemic, I was hired as a lecturer in a uni -- already! I didn't even apply! And then just after a few weeks, a firm where I previously applied (January) contacted me and wanted to set up an interview with me -- and then offered me a job after two days.
What I'm scared most right now is to disappoint those who hired me, those who thought I could do the job well. I know how do the tasks given to me, but I am so afraid to commit mistakes. I am so afraid to see their disapponted faces telling me, I was wrong for trusting you that much.
During this time when a lot of people are having employment issues, who do I talk to about these thoughts that are keeping me awake at night? Who do I talk to to say that I'm so scared that I cry at night, even without any trigger in the outside world, because my eyelids just couldn't hold back my tears anymore?
People just expect me to be happy, because.
@HopeSometimes Writing a long list of accomplishments, achievements and successes, while being objective about it, just stating facts, has helped me flip the script that was running in my mind.
It might help you too.
Rather than being subjective and saying "Well, I got this because of this reason" or "Well, I shouldn't feel proud of that" or "This wasn't such a big deal" and sticking to being objective and simply listing achievements without commenting emotionally or rationally about them, has helped me.
@HopeSometimes Also, you mentioned being "afraid to make mistakes" but we often only learn when we make mistakes. It's a common misconception that to make a mistake is to be wrong, whereas the only important thing is that we learn from our mistakes...
I am going to make the conscious choice and effort to see the best in my circumstance and my life.
I do believe I have either fully healed from my 30 years of grief, pain, trauma, suffering, heartbreak, etc. Or I am getting extremely close to having fully healed, since new things keep coming up in recent months.
So I am deciding to leave all that baggage in the past. Any perceived failure, shortcoming, obstacle, dead-end, setback, loss, etc will be forgotten and I am choosing to focus on only the best and the positive.
I have learnt from the vast majority of my harder trials in life. There is no point dwelling there any longer.
I want to move on at 30 and see the joys, successes, triumphs, loves, romances, friendships, family relationships, happiness, victories, and other positive things I have also enjoyed on this life journey.
For too long have I dwelt in the shadows of the darker side of my life. I want to emerge and stand in the light, so to speak.
I want to move forward with only the positive memories, forgetting the negative ones, and celebrating the present.
I also want to stop dwelling in the past or over-planning the future.
To be truly present is to take each day as it comes, and only that day.
I'm learning to celebrate minor victories. This should help turn the tide too, and help me focus on success rather than failure, and I already feel the waves changing current for the better.
So I celebrate every month of sobriety I manage. I celebrate every week of weight loss/diet. I celebrate the countless blessings of my life. I immerse myself in a Gratitude Journal I write in when I have something new to feel grateful for or hopeful about. I log my fitness progress in a Health Log.
I am enjoying Reading. I have rewarded myself with a new hobby too.
This year has been so utterly transformational (in fact, the past 10 months have been so, and in actual fact, the last 18 months to be honest) that I'm rewarding myself with a break from work for the rest of this year.
I'm going to review everything. All the positive lessons I've learned. Stay the course with all my weekly, monthly, annual and new 5-year plan.
I'm working towards a much better life.
I was on rock bottom (yet again) however I am rebuilding the strongest, most firm, resolutely and resiliently solid foundations I have ever known in 30 years of life.
I am enjoying a healthy balance I have never known before too. And strive to continue this progress.
So by focusing on the small victories, even to a daily or hourly level, and I find myself snowballing to a week-month-year-decade-life of focusing on the positive.
I am going to a new uni next year, after leaving my first one after doing one year there, i have a year until then and i should work and earn money, but i am scared and anxious about it and something inside me is blocking me from doing it, im not lazy i just really dont want to go. I feel so pressured to do it because i wont be doing anything else i constantly feel a heavy weight and guilt about this. I really dont know what to do
@SilverbackTiger
I am a new teenage member on 7cups. I have similar struggles to yours, having great improvements but always feeling like a failure, and I am very sorry for your problems. My problems have been getting worse lately, unable to objectively look at my own accomplishments, and feeling hopeless and sometimes worthless. I went online and scrolled through some depression symptoms tests tonight, and having previously learned about high functioning depression, I seem to have some mild symptoms but not due to chronic issues. Your post is the first I saw on 7cups. I've heard that the best experts are the people who live through it every day, so please give me some insight! This is the first time I sought advice from others, So please excuse me if I am doing it wrong or if I am a bit careless.
I wish you would get better
@WhiteShadow0 I'm doing much better, thanks, even in the short time of posting this thread.
What helped me is to objectively list all achievements, great and small, in my whole life without eliciting any subjective emotional response.
I just chose to stick to the facts.
When I had written 2 pages full of various things I have achieved so far, even by 30, the slight shift in my mind has enabled me to focus solely on achievements for the time being. And it's proven immensely uplifting.
i also keep a gratitude journal which also helps me focus more positively. Any time I receive good news or feel grateful about something I write it down
It's little things like this that seem to help. Along with good news of course and gradual progression.
To build healthy goals, and a new 5 year plan has also helped me.
I found a former '5 year plan' online quite by chance that I had given in a published interview when I was 25. To see that all my dreams had come true in one way or another was also immensely rewarding.
I am learning to not trust how I feel, or simply to challenge or interrogate negative thoughts or false beliefs. The journey as a whole can be awesome, I find the day to day or weekly, monthly, journeys harder. The various peaks and troughs along the way to success
perhaps maintaining a positive attitude and focus point is the best way through and this takes time and practice to establish
hope that helps you
@SilverbackTiger
Glad to hear that you're better! I will certainly try your techniques on coping with my problem! I am very grateful for the time and effort you put in responding to me, and again, thanks for the wise advice!
