Finally talking about my depression.
I don't really know how to begin, I have depression I think I've had it most my life but have denied it, hid from it, been ashamed of it, thought I must be crazy on some level because I can't understand how some people can be so happy because for me I'm always fighting to be happy and I'm usually on the losing side about 80/20 (20% being the likelihood I'll win.) Its like my conscience or inner voice whatever you want to call it just sees the negative and tears me apart i know i shouldn't think that way but it's very difficult to drown out the thoughts when I feel bad. I can't talk to anyone really my husband tries but usually ends up in a argument because he's very honestly forward and says the hard truths. He means well and in a rational mind that'd be great, but most of the time it makes me feel worse. I don't have friends I can talk to my family is toxic to a small degree and part of the problem. Also to top it off I'm HORRIBLE at verbal communications I can write all day about how I feel but talking, to actually say how I feel without becoming a sobbing mess is a skill I haven't learned. I'm overwhelmed by life as well now so I'm battling to stay motivated to catch up on stay caught up on things that need done and haven't been in feel like a I'm trying to claw my way out of hole and every time I reach the top or get close it caves and I fall deeper and the clawing starts again. I just needed to talk to someone put this in words to try and get help before it ruins me.
@SnakeMamma0915
putting things into words is important, and difficult. But that's something this place is really good at, other people have words of their own that you can read and see if they apply to your own situation. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, everyone is different, but we experience things unique to us as a group and difficult to understand without having reach hither to talk to.
I hope you find the words, that's the first step, the second is finding support. I hope your husband can learn to understand, and existing it' to him in the right way, something you can learn here, could be a big help.
@Indigopineapple
Thank you, words have never come easy to me verbally, writing is no problem but I hope to learn differently. I am finding a lot of help on here though and it's greatly appreciated this place is amazing.
@SnakeMamma0915
I know what you mean. I sometimes feel like I can't articulate my thoughts fast enough to keep up with a conversation, but given time, and the ability to go back and edit anything I don't like, I can put them into words better when writing. With depression, it can be so important how you communicate it.
Opening up is hard, especially when you have been bottling it in for a long time. Depression is undescirbable and sometimes it comes out not the way you wanted it to, I think what helps is to first understand what's making you feel this way so that you can a better understanding of how to overcome it. I hope this small tip helps! :)
