Here is my story and you will be the judge!

Every time I was down every time I got to that edge of despair, somehow I picked myself up, turned my back and walked away. Something has snapped this time I just can't do it I am working so hard fighting every day but nothing is working and I am exhausted. I search the internet for answers, how do you move on? how do you accept loneliness? how do you stop hurting? whoever writes answers to these question doesn't understand depression very well because be kind to yourself, enjoy your own company and try a new hobby these types of answers make me so angry. I have many notebooks filled with anger, fear, sadness and the worst of them all hopes, I have kept journals since I learned how to write basically, they haunt me things that I wrote when I was seven that breaks my 24-year-old heart. Why some parents never think about how they could scar a child for the rest of their life? I grew up in a house where shouting and slamming doors were daily activities and when I used to cry during their fights they would tell me to stop and to grow up I was five. I lost the ability to scream very early if anything happened to me I would just run and hide where no one can see me and cry on my own that place was always the bathroom. I have always been treated as a burden a mistake and I believed it how could I not believe my parents, I patted my own shoulders wiped my own tears and solved my own problems I never rebelled or acted out in any way I never got in any trouble even as a teenager. I was harassed when I was 15 and I had surgery last year and managed to not tell anyone about either because I didn't want to cause any more fights between them I thought maybe if I was a good daughter they would eventually show me love, I was so wrong. They fed me shame and guilt, mum would tell me she could see dad in me and dad would tell me that he could mum in me so I hated who I am. Outside of home, I was trying so hard to have friends if anyone wanted help with homework or was scared to talk to the teacher I was the person to do it I would listen, remember birthdays, call when they were sick I would walk them home I did everything I could sometimes more than I could and I was fine if you never did the same for me but at the very first chance they all left me and I was never included in anything. I thought maybe I have no luck with friends that's okay I should try to be close with my younger cousins, my older cousins were never nice to me so I thought I should know better and did my best to be there for my younger cousins I listened to them I put time and effort to be the person I wish I had, if they wanted a break from home, wanted a tutor, wanted an outlet or just wanted a laugh I was there any time to put my priorities on hold and help even if I had to lose sleep or space in my bedroom because I didn't want them to know how it was to not have someone there. After years of this, they went to Uni last year and I had to make every phone call and every text I was again forgotten and left behind there was no need for me anymore it has been two years and I am always the first to ask about them and I can't get myself to stop because I feel guilty what if they were having trouble and needed some help no one should be alone no matter what. I thought when you put kindness you get kindness or did I get that wrong? What is so wrong about me? I swore I would never let myself fall in love or have children because I can't do that to another human I can't risk it I should know better but still, this hard life didn't harden my heart I wish it did but it didn't I crave love so much in any way and every way I was never loved or accepted by anyone I want someone to hold my hand every once in a while is that such a bad thing? I wished for things to be better when I grew up but here I am nothing has changed I am still at home with my parents shouting and slamming doors I have to lie to both of them because I don't want to deal with conflict I work as a freelancer so I barely leave home and I have to stay here to look after my sick grandma and I still cry so hard at night so no one sees my red eyes there is no one left I am all alone and I am just as scared as I was when I was five. I am depressed and exhausted. Is this it? Am I going to die like this? I am very happy for people who have something exciting in their lives I cried at their weddings and clapped the hardest at their graduations, is it a bad thing to want something for myself just one thing? Everything I have ever done makes me feel worthless and disposable, I come when they whistle. I can't help it. I don't know if any of this makes any sense or anyone would read this much about a stranger. I am very sorry for babbling too much I hope it is okay.