Hiding the deep sadness and despair

I know this is possibly as common as the name Smith but I'm really struggling and on the outside I give the "I'm doing okay" I'm not and my mood journal says otherwise. I don't want to be a burden and I feel I am, my family don't speak to me as regularly as they do each other. I feel very much like the outsider, which is ok and I am use to now. I've tried phone calls to my mum but they aren't returned as with my siblings. I am alone for the first time really lonely so yes I withdraw to what I hope will get me out of this. My depression spiral reached a good happy hypomania peak yesterday. Today I'm spiralling, well starting to and I don't know if I want to stop it now or later. There is no self sabotage. It's all hard to explain. Even though I'm going to work I don't want to. I'm at a 2/10, zero being that I give up. I'm holding back tears. I just want to cocoon and hide I'm so numb, I feel worthless and qquasimodo-esq right now.