How do I make these changes? Help.
About Me: 20 year old bisexual college male living on campus. Junior year, feeling lonely. Everyone has close friend groups, yet I isolate myself. Depressed and anxious when alone or with others.
My life now:
Social Life: I isolate myself. I dont know how to maintain close friendships because I am so self conscious of myself. I shut myself out in my room and hide from the world. I fear saying hi to people and constantly fear irrationally what people think of me. I just want a group of friends. Embarrassed for not having a friend group.
Faith Life: I dont have faith in a higher power and I have no faith in myself. No hope that anything will get better. Caught in a state of depression and utter hopelessness. Glass half empty.
Romantic Life: I have a girlfriend I love, but constantly feel like I am not good enough for. I have no confidence and fear getting too close to her, feeling she will eventually realize I am bad and confirm the beliefs I have in myself. I can only disappoint. (I know she doesn't see things this way)
Sex Life: I masturbate shamefully on a daily basis, at this point its practically an addiction. Therefore I avoid actual sex with my girlfriend out of fear of intimacy. This causes anxiety.
Hobbies: None. All free time devoted to isolation and inadvertently feeding in to my anxiety and depression.
Academic Life: No motivation to succeed academically. Middle School/ High School, loved to learn and got top of my class in most classes. Now I cannot focus in any class without feeling anxious about social life or lack thereof. Cannot focus on homework and put everything off to the last minute, which causes more stress.
Athletic Life: None. Lost interest in all sports. Used to go to the gym everyday, haven't gone in months. Self conscious of my body and doing things wrong at the gym.
Sleep: Not restful. Usually either oversleep (12+ hours), or under sleep, (0-2 hours).
My Goals:
Social Life: To be able to confidently say hi to somebody I know, or start a conversation with them. To initiate social plans. To embrace who I am around others. To stay present in the moment and have fun with others. Be proud to show myself off to others instead of afraid. Be confident in who I am and the relationships I have with others. Trust others and myself.
Faith Life: I am involved in faith based activities but I want to be able to buy in to faith more. Embrace my faith journey as an individual.
Romantic Life: I want to spend time with my girlfriend and stay present when with her. Let my guard down and show her who I am as a person. Not be self conscious of whether or not I am actually pleasing her or if she is just saying that to make me feel better. Be myself.
Sex Life: I want to be able to make the switch from masturbation to regular passionate sex with my girlfriend. I want to stop being so self conscious of my looks and start having confidence in my ability to please my girlfriend sexually.
Hobbies: I want to get into my love for animation, psychology, sports, and other movies/tv shows without constantly fearing my social life or lack thereof.
Academic Life: I want to be invested in the academics I am paying so much money for. I want to be able to pay attention and focus in the moment on what I am learning so I can perform better and reduce stress academically.
Athletic Life: I want to start going to the gym everyday because I want to get physically in shape as well as mentally better. I know exercise makes me feel less anxious at least temporarily.
Sleep: I want to sleep fully and restfully each night.
@reliableMango5870 By the structure and format of this, plus your vocabulary and grammar skills, I can tell you are a very intelligent person. Please don't let that go to waste. You have so many years ahead of you. Depression can be so demanding, but we have to realize it doesn't control us, we are the ones just giving in .. we can so easily walk away! Anxiety has motives. To make you feel like shit. To make you feel like the whole world is watching and no one likes you. Well that is only b/c anxiety is insecure w/itself and is taking it out on you. Flip the bastard off and move on. Your girlfriend loves you. She has stuck around for a reason and she deserves recognition. Honor yourself and fight for the life you want and deserve. You have wonderful qualities and need to use them! I wish you only the best.
@reliableMango5870 First of all thank you for sharing your story. :-) It is difficult to share things sometimes. At first glance I'm curious of the switch you made after high school, did you feel I need of fitting in? For all my life if you look at my profile you'll understand this, I've been afraid to show myself with others. I don't know if there being truly honest with me. Anyway, the one thing I can cover right now is to tell you that you are just great being who you are. The struggle is you gotta be willing to share that with other people, it is hard to share when you find it hard to want acceptance all the time. Trust me I know how that feels.
These topics that you want fixed aren't going to happen overnight. However, they aren't unfixable. If you don't choose me that is fine, but I would find someone you feel comfortable with to talk through these issues. Each one that you mentioned will take time.
For now please try to learn to love yourself, because before you can fully be with your girlfriend you have to be okay with you are. >3.
I know it is easier said than done, because I deal with it every day. The thing that helps me is realizing I don't need everyone to like me, I'm going to be who I want to be. I hope I have helped.
Donald K
@DonaldK This is helpful. Honestly I would love to chat more about this stuff with you. I am looking to grow a close friendship with someone who gets me.
