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reliableMango5870
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PathStep 3 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2016 Member sinceMarch 21, 2016
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How do I make these changes? Help.
Depression Support / by reliableMango5870
Last post
 October 6th, 2016
...See more About Me: 20 year old bisexual college male living on campus. Junior year, feeling lonely. Everyone has close friend groups, yet I isolate myself. Depressed and anxious when alone or with others. My life now: Social Life: I isolate myself. I dont know how to maintain close friendships because I am so self conscious of myself. I shut myself out in my room and hide from the world. I fear saying hi to people and constantly fear irrationally what people think of me. I just want a group of friends. Embarrassed for not having a friend group. Faith Life: I dont have faith in a higher power and I have no faith in myself. No hope that anything will get better. Caught in a state of depression and utter hopelessness. Glass half empty. Romantic Life: I have a girlfriend I love, but constantly feel like I am not good enough for. I have no confidence and fear getting too close to her, feeling she will eventually realize I am bad and confirm the beliefs I have in myself. I can only disappoint. (I know she doesn't see things this way) Sex Life: I masturbate shamefully on a daily basis, at this point its practically an addiction. Therefore I avoid actual sex with my girlfriend out of fear of intimacy. This causes anxiety. Hobbies: None. All free time devoted to isolation and inadvertently feeding in to my anxiety and depression. Academic Life: No motivation to succeed academically. Middle School/ High School, loved to learn and got top of my class in most classes. Now I cannot focus in any class without feeling anxious about social life or lack thereof. Cannot focus on homework and put everything off to the last minute, which causes more stress. Athletic Life: None. Lost interest in all sports. Used to go to the gym everyday, haven't gone in months. Self conscious of my body and doing things wrong at the gym. Sleep: Not restful. Usually either oversleep (12+ hours), or under sleep, (0-2 hours). My Goals: Social Life: To be able to confidently say hi to somebody I know, or start a conversation with them. To initiate social plans. To embrace who I am around others. To stay present in the moment and have fun with others. Be proud to show myself off to others instead of afraid. Be confident in who I am and the relationships I have with others. Trust others and myself. Faith Life: I am involved in faith based activities but I want to be able to buy in to faith more. Embrace my faith journey as an individual. Romantic Life: I want to spend time with my girlfriend and stay present when with her. Let my guard down and show her who I am as a person. Not be self conscious of whether or not I am actually pleasing her or if she is just saying that to make me feel better. Be myself. Sex Life: I want to be able to make the switch from masturbation to regular passionate sex with my girlfriend. I want to stop being so self conscious of my looks and start having confidence in my ability to please my girlfriend sexually. Hobbies: I want to get into my love for animation, psychology, sports, and other movies/tv shows without constantly fearing my social life or lack thereof. Academic Life: I want to be invested in the academics I am paying so much money for. I want to be able to pay attention and focus in the moment on what I am learning so I can perform better and reduce stress academically. Athletic Life: I want to start going to the gym everyday because I want to get physically in shape as well as mentally better. I know exercise makes me feel less anxious at least temporarily. Sleep: I want to sleep fully and restfully each night.
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Shameful Fetish and Toxic Shame
Relationship Stress / by reliableMango5870
Last post
 October 5th, 2016
...See more This is something I dont talk to anyone about because I am deeply embarassed by it. I am a 20 year old male college student and I am bisexual and have a girlfriend. But deep down to my core I am ashamed of who I am sexually. I have a gay fart fetish. I have never said this outloud, but since puberty, I have always been aroused by the sound of a good looking dude ripping a nice loud long fart, proudly. It showed a sense of confidence I never felt like I had. To this day, this explains why I can talk to girls so much better than guys. I know guys will talk about sex with me and I my shame is too much to bear. I fear other boys my age. The shame I felt for this since age 13 has turned into a deep rooted hate for myself at age 20. 7 years of feeling inhuman, like I was cursed with this weird desire to experience male farts. I am not proud of it at all and I honestly wish I could rid myself of it. But after a day of social isolation and feeling like noone likes me, shamefully masturbating to a video online of a guy farting makes me feel, something. Anything. I masturbate everyday to guys farts. And this whole sense of toxic shame and feeling the need and desire to isolate myself has caused extreme levels of depression. I dont want to talk to people, do anything, I cant focus on school work, I have no interest in anything or anyone, and I know to others I come off as very closed off. But I just cant bring myself to sit with myself and say I like the person I am. I love my girlfriend but this shame for who I am in general has negatively effected my relationship. I am looking to connect with anyone that has a fart fetish. I am tired of constantly driving myself to social isolation and wasting my college years cooped up alone with my self hate. I am desperate for help. Things are getting really bad really fast. I need a friend who gets it.
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Cant live like this anymore
Depression Support / by reliableMango5870
Last post
 October 6th, 2016
...See more I am a 20 year old guy and a Junior in College. I live on campus and am suffering severe depression and social anxiety. I isolate myself, but want to spend time with others. I never want to do anything, but want things to do. I have a million responsibilities but always feel bored. I want to workout, but don't want anyone to look at me at the gym. I want to eat, but have noone to eat with. I want to talk to people and hangout with them, but dont want to at all. I want to do well in school, but have no motivation. I want to work hard, but cant focus on anything or remmeber anything. I want friends, but hate myself and am ashamed of myself too much. I just cannot keep living this way. Shutting myself out. I dont even know who I am at this point. I dont like to do anything or be around anyone so I isolate myself and then get mad because I feel like noone liked me when I know its myself that puts me in that position. I just cant live this way anymore. Someone please help.
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