I Can't REALLY feel anything.

As per usual, i'm a little mentally jumbled, so sorry if i don't make much sense ^^;

It began in 2014. I think i felt like...like, i had issues, but they were all psycological, not very up-front, so i felt like i wasn't pityable? and i wanted attention, i wanted help, i wanted someone to care. so i began to self-pity... a lot. a l o t.

eventually, around early-mid 2015 my heart began to become..painful. i'M TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONALLY/SPIRITUALLY, DON'T WORRY, PHYSICALLY I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE OR LESS FINE XD but basically it was just...progressively becoming..sad.

and then by late 2015 it was a black hole, so.

in 2016 i slowly made it back to just having a numb heart, but...still.

when i was a kid, when something made me feel GENERALLY good in any way, i could feel it in my heart. happiness with it. when something made me feel generally bad in any way, i'd feel it. it hurt.

but now, i feel nothing. no matter what. and it kinda freaking sucks, because like..let's say you had something closed off, that you'd need something to release the pressure inside it when it was working or else it'd leak or worse. and that was my heart. and, in this..metaphor, it's blocked off, closed up, and so when i feel anything, i express it more physically, and i can never fully feel it, in this metaphor, it just...slightly leaks out. i.. i don't really know if this is making sense? basically i can't feel emotions in the healthy way i used to.

what happened to make my heart so numb, practically as if it didn't even exist at this point?
like i said, extreme self-pity, but also, EXTREME self-abuse. mentally, emotionally, psycologically, so forth...

really, just... every time i am happy, i am never REALLY happy.
imagine if you lived in a very, very run-down old house, not super super messy but always extremely cold, only just warm enough you can live in it, but otherwise freezing for you. nothing is fully functional, but more or less works enough for you to use it. you cannot move out no matter what. it will take a lot to fix. and you cannot deny it is awful.
but, just because of how exhausting it is this is what it is CONSTANTLY like, and you cannot cope, sometimes you try to run to the blocked-up windows. trying to open them at all, let ANY light in, maybe pop some confetti, put some brightly-colored decorations up, and you try to make it all you can see.
but, ultimately, you can't deny. you can feel it all around you. how freezing it is. how poor quality the house is, maybe you forced your body to warm up to deny the cold, maybe you put on bright clothes to deny how dull and crummy and run-down the place is. who knows how long you will remain entranced by the tiniest lightbeam still dulled by thick curtains, by the bright streamers and all still covered in dust, by the badly-drawn colorful drawings you made to distract yourself, the fact of the matter is all around you. the streamers will fall, perhaps rain will leak and break them, the windows are still boarded up and blocked heavily, you can't try and force any light in forever, and the drawings can't please you for long. you will come back to the harsh reality of the matter, no matter how long you deny it or distract yourself.

...whew, that was long, but god i love when i can describe my situations with things so accurately and artistically like that ♥♥♥ i hope it makes sense xD

i can't afford therapy. i'm sure in some ways i could get a few sessions through, but eeegh... the struggle..
i will admit i have a biiig, big issue with reaching out for help. i literally never say a goddamn word to ANYONE, ever, unless it's a passive "tfw when ___" comment with my friends who only say "relatable" or "same" and nothing is actually done about it. because everyone i know is dealing with their own stuff and i refuse to add to the burden. the one friend i ever say anything to goes to college and is clearly busy, when i tell them of my issues i'm kinda...intimidated because i can TELL if i persist with it they'll get annoyed and likely lash out minorly (yeehaw inventing words). my other friend is suicidal half the time and all his friends know how good he is with support so he's often busy on that regard too. so...
it sucks too cause i really wish i had support, i really wish i had someone to talk to...but flat-out fear of being an inconvenience, i never say a legitimate word. and i..tend to have a lot of guilt/fear associated with places like this for some reason?... so i'm really not active here xD;;

..egh..really, i have very prominant issues but don't know what to do about them.

i hope this made sense, thank you dearly for reading, and keep on keeping on ♥