I Feel it Coming Back

I feel like my depression is coming back. I have not really had my full on depression since last summer, I think. I quit having suicidal thoughts all the time even though I still think about it sometimes.This time last year was very bad. I really lost control. I was very distraught and would have huge bursts of anger where I would try to hurt people.

The first time it happened, a guy put a brown bag over my head at lunch (this is when I was still in high school) and said, "Ha! You've been brown bagged!"(which in theimprovworld means your scene is going south so it's ended.I ignored him for awhile, but him and his friends continued to make fun of my comedy (I'm an aspiring comedian). Eventually, I just lost it and raised a glassyoohoobottle over his head and said something around the lines of "I'm going to ******* kill you." I was really in a different zone. It was scary. I would have hit him and hurt him if some girl didn't say, "I'd pay to see that!"

The second time was with the same guy. This time I did beat him up. He was about to pour water on my friend and I snatched it out of his hand before he could pour it on her and I started hitting him. Another guy had to pull me off of him.

Then relativelyrecently I got mad at the manager of my local Apple store. She was doing the thing that they are trained to do which is to feed you BS until you go away. I ended up cussing and she threatened to call security on me, so I started crying. My dad says the only person he's ever seen get as angry as I do was his own father. His dad was bipolar.

I'm really a pathetic person. I never learned to drive because my anxiety is way too high and I don't know where to focus. In addition, I really don't have anyone to teach me. I'm going to community college because I have test anxiety and never took an SAT. I got accepted into an art school recently in another state. I originally wanted to transfer to the University of Texas, but my grades reflect my mental health, and I'm not sure I would be able to do that since they are a selective school. Thinking about that makes me upset. Furthermore, I am lonely and bored, so I have to do something soon.

Lately, I have been focusing on weight. I only try to eat once a day, and if I eat more then I don't feel verygood about myself. That does a good job of occupying me so that I don't think of other things.

I'm just feeling pretty down right now. I don't have any friends here, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated academically, and I just want to tell jokes. I feel stuck and that makes me incredibly upset. Comedy is what gives me the will to survive and if I'm stuck here then I can't share my humor. I'm a mess and I sound like an idiot.