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Struggling with self loathing & suicidal thoughts. I find myself so unattractive, Im overweight, I dont find overweight people sexy or attractive, it just doesnt appeal to me. I used to be lean & muscular, but the last 2 years Ive been so depressed that my weight has crept up & up. Im on 2 different antidepressants & Im still depressed. Ive had ketamine treatment, that boosted my mood greatly but the image in the mirror remains hideous. Im now on Adderall as well which again has helped majorly to rid my mind of the heavy fogginess. But the loathing remains, the desire to end my life because living in this horrible, unattractive, old (Im 43), undesirable, stretchmarked, overweight body is unbearable. Ive tried therapy, but the continuous you have to love yourself bs really made me angry. I cant love this hideousness, especially when Im the one responsible for the weight gain, I ate the crap & didnt work out, its my own fault. & every new wrinkle & grey hair tells me that even if I lost the weight again, Id still be old & ugly.
I dont want to ruin my kids lives by taking mine, but I really dont know what else to do to put myself out of my misery.
@Anonymous1975 There's always hope. I mean, I don't think 43 is old at all. Also, I'm a thin dude that loves overweight ladies (my wife is overweight, and I love her stretch marks as well). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe you don't find yourself attractive but guaranteed there is someone out there that does.
@Anonymous1975 I know what it feels like to believe I'm ugly and disgusting, to believing I'm good looking and attractive. I also know that in my checkboxes of problems, right now how I feel about my physical appearance may not be checked but I have so many other super huge issues I'm dealing with. I don't know if this is helpful but I've learned that (1) your looks really is subjective and not objective, b/c I'm the same person and my self-image was what changed the most, not my real physical self, (2) you can change your physical self, even if it's difficult it is definitely possible, (3) problems and joys are always there in your life, even if what the problems and joys are change over time. But there are real joys, and how you feel about yourself isn't reality. You have kids; they will appreciate your journey and your resilience and hope. And it's a good thing that you're reaching out to the universe, and a good thing that you can get help to not have to do this all by yourself.
@Anonymous1975
In the last year, I've found it more worthwhile (since I'm 42 and still single) to stop looking for romance and just focus on finding and making loyal and true friends. Work is so busy and stressful, time is going by quickly, and I really don't want to worry about the stress associated with romantic relationships: Does he really love me? Is he just leading me on? What if he's a narcissist and I'm being boondoggled into yet another toxic, codependent relationship? Will he be supportive when I'm going through a difficult time in my life? Do I have to worry about him hurting me?
These are the questions and concerns I always have when approaching romantic relationships, and maybe much of it has to do with my social anxiety, but I just can't deal with that kind of stress all day everyday.
Therefore, I just want to find and make good friends who have similar interests ... maybe start with something like MeetUp, where you can sign up for coffee and conversation and dinner outings, and even for support groups for anxiety and depression ... and go from there. This is what's been working for me.
