I am tired
I am trying my best to deal with all this for more than ten years now. Of course there were some better periods and I've really worked hard to keep my life on track, I did get a BSc degree, and I've got a good job and my own house and life to be "succesful", but then again, after a while I alwasy end up in the same, dark place.
I'm sitting here, on my own, half of my family think I would just better off dead as a gay person, other half of it just simply do not care about me, and lately I'm just losing all my friends one-by-one, and after all that hard work, I'm once again in the same, very dark place. I'm feeling alone, lost and slowly losing hope. I'm getting less and less motivated about anything, and just not really finding any relief in the things I used to find it in and I'm just tired...
Tired of just hoping that one day things will get better, tired of just trying and trying, tired of feeling like this....Tired of being me.
@redmark
Firstly, I am so proud of you for sharing your story with us; I firmly believe you're in the right community, and I'm really glad you're here.
For those who battle depression, they can all attest to this: no matter how life goes, be it good or bad, sometimes that bad part is going to come back, and I know it's really devastating. You're so strong to have gone through it so many times. I know it can be really tiring to hope that things will get better, as it sometimes can feel like you're putting blind faith into something that doesn't seem worthwhile. I can promise you, it is worthwhile. Your life, your time, your experiences, they are all worthwhile, and I commend you for putting up with the dark thoughts for so long.
Think of recovery as a road; it doesn't matter how fast you go; you may even skin your knee a few times, but if you just keep fighting you're going to make it to the finish line (which is happiness). I'm so proud of you; if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. <3 I'm sending all of my love your way.
@Cadence *hugs*
Thank you very much for your answer, for your time.
It's not like I am not trying, because I do - I really do, and sometimes things even feel like I am progressing - moving forward on that road, but then always something happens or I make some stupid mistakes - I'm just very good at that - ruining everything I've been working for - pushing me back on that road, and leaving me with all these feelings, and after all these years I am just starting to get tired and disheartened - to say the least - to once again get up, and try to move forward on that road again.
@redmark
I feel you on being exhausted. You
@PacificSunrise *hugs*
Thank you for your answer, and for your support.
After all this time of trying to break out from it, that darkness just seems neverending, without any real way of telling if I'm even on the right way, or just running in circles - it really feels like that sometimes, and after a while it just starts too feel pointless to try and fight my way through it, after all these failed attempts.
I really appreciate your kind words, I wish I had someone in real life - like around me - who really cares about me. Honestly, the thing I just want more than anything right now is just a hug, but I don't even remember the last time I were hugged...
@redmark Anytime and I'm here to support you. Here's sending you a big hug.
Hi, @redmark! We've talked a bit during the depression support discussion some time ago and you struck me as a kind, smart human who can empathize with others. I was very grateful for that interaction, and I
@Celaeno *hugs*
Thank you very much for your kindness.
It just really feels like this depression just gets the best of me from time to time, and it just limits me - my energy, my motivation, my thoughts, my feelings... . It really feel like it's just shaping me more and more into it's own shape. I am trying my best tho, to keep on going, to don't lose to much of my "momentum", but right now it really does feel like that I am at the end of my power or at least close to it.
I don't want to give up tho, not here and not now, I did work to hard to get even here but I have my own limits, and I don't know how far I can still go, how much I've got left.
@redmark, you don't have to give up and I think you shouldn't, but it still doesn't necessarily mean that you should insist to keep your 'momentum'. Right now you have low mood and energy levels, and you have to deal with them, even if they're absolutely not your fault. I also think they don't limit you per se, but the vision of yourself that you've created. You have an ideal image of yourself, a personal narrative to which you direct all of your "shoulds" and it tells you that you should stay productive and be happy and fully recovered, and be constantly at the top of your game. You've achieved so much, but still you feel you should keep up with the productivity. However, you hit a hurdle and it's more than understandable that you will feel worse. That's the way depression works. Try to focus on what is happening with you, instead of comparing the reality to your narrative and finding differences disappointing.
You feel exhausted both mentally and physically, so you have to adress it. Don't expect from yourself to be as active or concetrated as in times without a depressive epiosde. You need to forgive yourself for being ill. Let go of your expectations on how your days should look like and accept that right now, in this particular moment of your life you need more space to breath. Try to come up with various small things that you could do to be more gentle with yourself, to spare energy and make these times as painless as you can. You have already lots on you plate, so please be compassionate towards yourself. Try not to take any new responsibilities and limit existing ones. Actovely plan relaxation and use this time to recharge, to rest and cope with mental health issues.
Depression will get the best from you from time to time, but it doesn't erase everything good around your life. It doesn't erase you, lovely. Right now you feel awful and lack energy, and that happens, but it won't stay like this forever. Help yourself and survive this misery, so you can return to your old self, only stronger. Best wishes to you!
@redmark
It can be very difficult to reach out for help or even share your story. But you being on seven cups is proof that are stronger than you know. You're in the right place. Hoping for things that you think will never happen can be difficult and a lot of time doesn't seem like it'll be nothing worthwhile, but it gets better I promise. :)
@Hopemaybloom *hugs*
Thank you very much for your reply and your kind words.