I could use some help
I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not good at this. I'm posting this here because need to post it somewhere. I keep trying to connect with someone and talk through my problems but it feels like a never ending cycle. I keep hearing the same advice I've heard a thousand times and I'm waiting for it to stick and it just won't. I've been dealing with depression since I was a kid, used to have extreme anxiety. Since i've "become an adult" I keep finding myself sinking lower and lower into my own sadness and it sickens me. I get so angry at myself for not being strong enough to free my mind from all the cynical self destructive bull$#!T constantly filling my thoughts. I know I'm not the person I should be. I know I'm not as strong as I can be and I can feel all the time I'm spending in stasis being flushed down the drain. For a long time I considered suicide. The only reason I never went through with it is because despite all my pain, I do have family and friends who truly care about me even if they have no real notion of how deep my depression runs and as angry and confused as I get I could never bear with the thought of causing them more pain than I already have. There was a few years recently were this feeling went away due to my first serious relationship with an awesome person that has since ended and in the last few months I can feel myself slipping back into this terrible frame of mind. I'm struggling with mental and physical health, my identity and general purpose in life. If anyone reads this and is willing to talk with me about how to beat this thing I could use some help...
First of all, it's great that you are seeking help. Second of all, if you haven't already, go and see your GP. Tell them everything you have put in this post and tell them you can feel yourself slipping. Let them know what has worked for you in the past and how you want to move forward. Good luck and stay strong
I don't know what GP is...
General Practitioner. Your family doctor
Haven't been to any doctor for a long time. Never took meds, never want to. I've seen bad things happen with other people on anti depressants. It's always freaked me out. At least if i'm feeling awful, it's MY brain chemistry making me feel that way. I'ma little freaked out by adding a third party to that mix as much as i've considered it
You don't have to take medication. You can have therapy. It can be just as effective as medication and even more so in the long term
I know i probably should try for it, but I'm very stubborn and too self aware (in my opinion). I'm sure there's something else that could be brought out of it but there's a lot that I've made peace with that I feel a therapist would say is the cause of my problems. tell me about your childhood. It was awful, my parents were abusive towards each other and i had to grow up faster than i probably should have. Next question... I don't want to have to sit through that as much as people may think need it. In a way it feels like more of a defeat than just ending everything, not being able to sort it out myself. I know that must sound irrational but it makes more sense to me than the alternative.
