I dont even know myself anymore.
Hey everyone. Whoever needs a hug, heres a virtual one *HUG*.
I am posting on here because I feel like I have no other option. i feel like im losing control of everything now and I dont even kow myself anymore. I used to be this carefree, upbeat, positive minded girl up until this last year. Everything completely turned upside down. I look in the mirror and I dont even see myself in it. I look the same just dont have that determination and positive look in my eyes anymore.
I have my closest friends who are off to college. I am very proud of them but I miss them so much. I hardly see them. They are guys but they are my cousins and we've always been very close. I constantly have nightmares of one of them dying due to having a classmate of mine killed at that same campus the previous year. Every time they are about to leave I give them a hug but it seems like neither of them understand how scared I really am. None of them know what i'm going through because I have learned so many ways to hide my emotions throughout the years. I really want to tell them what is going on but I feel horrible letting people down because of my own emotions/feelings. I dont know what to do anymore. They mean so much to me and it hurts me like nothing else to go to bed and see them die in front of me nearly every night.
I recently had my best friend or my horse die when I was away for the night. I blame myself so much for not being there for her. No one knew that she was missing and Im usually the one who goes checks on all the animals every night but I didn't show up for that one night and she ended up dying. I feel so horrible for not being there and I miss her more then anything. All I want to do is be with her. I got the call from my grandpa finding her in the pasture and I was with my cousins and I felt like the world just ripped apart in front of me.
Lastly for the past year all I've been getting comments on was how much weight I've lost. In reality I havent lost much at all but everyone keeps making comments to me. It hurts so much to go out to eat and all I hear is "get another order of ____", "You need to keep eating!" "You're all skin and bones". I look on the scale occasionally to see how much weight I do indeed lose or gain but thats just because Im curious. I dont have an eating disorder. I just dont eat when I'm not hungry. When I am upset or if I ate earlier I dont eat that large of a meal. I make up for it later but everyone says I am losing so much weight. I dont know if its because my aunt was put into the hospital for an eating disorder a few months ago and that made them think that I have one too. I just dont know how to make people stop forcing food down my throat and making those comments on my body.
My parents dont understand what I'm going through and same with nearly everyone in my family. I have a hard time trusting people so I dont let many friends into whats really going through in my head. I dont know what to do anymore. I've been diagnosed with bad anxiety since I was a little girl and recently its just gotten out of control and depression has settled in. I am taking medication to help with the anxiety but it still is really rough to deal with. I dont have much money to go to the doctor either. I just wish there was a replay button in life to go back 12yrs ago...when things weren't all screwed up. I have thoughts at night that I know I shouldn't be having but I've been reaching a level to where I just dont think im going to have this great future I always dreamt about. I dont think I'll do anything to myself. I have emergency call list on my phone of the very few trusted friends I have who I'd call if I need help. Its really tough...I hope anyone else out there who is dealing with depression finds hope that things will get better. I never thought I would ever get depression and here I am...
*Hugs*
Hey there, @Lightningheart16. I'd just like to commend you on holding on despite all these things that have happened to you. God knows that situations, especially those that we have no control over have the power to rip us to shreds and make us feel terrible about ourselves. I'd like you to know that what you're feeling is completely valid and reasonable, you are allowed to express your emotions and be in touch with them, rather than suppressing them. If you ever express your emotions to people and they look at you in a different light, be in seeing you as weak and vulnerable, they don't really want what's best for you and are not the kind of people that you need in your life. For your eating habits and weight, please understand that your family members/relatives tell you these not to insult you or put you down, but because they only have the best intentions for you in accordance to what they consider healthy. I had a similar situation once, during the times when I stress ate a lot. I think the situation here is the lack of communication, you being afraid to show how you feel and your family members only judging by what they see. Perhaps you can talk to them about how you feel as they may not see things the way you do. For your case with your cousins, I understand that it's always difficult to let people go, but the thing is if people are meant to go, there is nothing that we as humans can do to prevent it, just know that the power lies not in our hands, and that'll help us to stop worrying over things we can't change and focus our energy into becoming better people. I just want you to know that you are loved, valued and cherished, you are not alone and even though the future seems bleak now, I promise you things will get better. I was skeptical of this statement as well 4 years ago, but now I'm a completely different person and I see how wrong I was. The road to recovery won't be an easy one, there will be obstacles and times you feel so exhausted or that you won't be able to see that it's worth it, but when you come out of it you'll be a braver, happier person. If you are truly unable to see a doctor for psychotherapy etc, you can always talk to me if you feel comfortable enough. Much love, and take care.
I apologize if what I said doesn't make much sense, I'm running on 3-4 hours of sleep here ._.
Even if your parents have good intentions, they may be unable to understand or help you. From a parents point of view, that is difficult and painful. I hope that they would help, if only they could.
First, try and be patient and kind to yourself. You have lost important people around you. Take time to grieve, or feel bad. Look at a calendar and pick a date and say, "I'll feel really lonely & badly about these losses until 'this' date". After that date, take a tiny step to do something that is not destructive, that you enjoy, that will get your mind off of your pain for a little while. (You decide how long).
Try and figure out what exactly you would like. I know that sounds easy, but it is hard as heck! If you need help, ask for help. It is a sign of strength to find appropriate help, not a sign of weakness. You may include your parents, if you wish. You can ask a 'professional'. You can ask online. (Be careful with the last one; there are a lot of a-holes out there.)
Be kind, gentle, forgiving, and patient with yourself. Be strong! (I hate saying, "good luck-- luck has nothing to do with it.)
I feel fortunate to come across your thread. I hope to hear more from you.
