I don't know what to do anymore
I thought my parents cared for my feelings. Especially that I am young. My parents are concerned for me but don't even try to help me anymore. I feel like a burden and lonely. I moved schools so I have few friends now. It doesn't help that I'm dealing with depression. I try so hard to change my life. I got into running and I try to get skinner because I thought my life would be better. All I got is feeling pressured to have to run everyday and an eating disorder. I hate dealing with uncomfortable feelings. When I do, nothing ever changes. I just get depressed. I've tried literally everything on the planet. Excerise, journaling, therapist, support groups, program, meditation, etc. I just feel I have no one anymore. My parents act like they care. I wish they could understand but they are so caught up that everything is in my head and I make everything up that I have depression, anxiety, or eating disorder. That is not true. I know what normal feels like and I'm definetly not in a normal state. My dad ruins everything for me. Today, he tried to keep a secret that he went for icecream with everyone else but me in the family. My mom bought me 2 chocolate bars for the week and he started saying why she was giving me them. Everything I do is stupid to him basically. I bring my plate that has still some pieces of food to wash it, he takes it from me because he think I am going to make a mess, and then I tell him that he can wash it if he wants to. Then he gets mad at me for not washing the plate after he took it from me. I go to the kitchen and he watches me, I start crying and he gets mad at me for it, and I try to explain how I feel, and he makes me feel worse. My dad doesn't even have any mental problems. He just gets mad over every little crap I do. My mom is always nagging me. Today, she got over a fight with me because I didn't brush my hair. She refused to take me to my tutoring place because my hair was uncombed. We got into a huge argument, and like always, my dad gets involved and makes everything worse. Then, I started crying and scratching my arm even though I am not a self-harmer. My mom apologized after but I still felt bad. We got icecream, and I stayed in bed for the rest of the day. I STAYED IN BED FOR 6 HOURS. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. I am so upset. I cannot get myself to run, or laugh or eat normally. I had recovered from an eating disorder, and now all I do is eat badly. I don't really binge, but I just eat a bunch of crappy food and I get scared of gaining weight and having heart problems because of it. I feeling alot of anxiety as well. I have to hangout with a friend from school tomorrow and I don't want to cancel but I don't think I can do it. I feel like crying and my cross country meet is in 2 days so I have no choice but to suck it and not be a baby. I need help with eating, my thoughts, and happiness. I really don't want to live anymore. I want to feel like I have something to wake up for everyday but the truth is, I don't and I don't want keep going on in a meaningless life. But I know I would never kill myself. That would be cowardly and selfish. But I don't want to be miserable anymore.
@randomp3rson hey there. first off, i just wanted to say i'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. i wish i could give you a big hug 💕 i know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough and like you're a burden to your family.
i had a similar situation as you when i was growing up. my grandparents raised me and my grandma was always yelling and getting angry with me over the smallest things. i felt like i had to be perfect all the time, and so i never felt good enough and i always felt like a burden. i don't know your exact situation, but i know it is so hard to feel all those things as a teenager—i've been there, too. my teenage years were some of the worst ones of my life so far.
you mentioned how you are recovering from an eating disorder and how you started running so it would help you stay thin. one thing that helped me with confidence and feeling better about my body as a teen was looking in the mirror and finding one single thing that i really loved about my appearance and focusing on that. for me, it was my eyes. i have really beautiful green eyes. so on the days when i hated the rest of myself, i could look in the mirror and look at my eyes, and remind myself that at the very least, i have beautiful eyes. sometimes all it takes is focusing on that one positive thing, and after you find one thing, it can turn into two, and then three, and so on.
i know you said you've tried journaling and exercise, etc, and feel like there's nothing left for you to try. do you live somewhere close to a hiking area or another outdoor spot? for me, going out on a walk in nature where it's nice and green is very healing. i lived in the middle of nowhere growing up, so it was really easy for me to just go outside after a fight with family or something and take some time to cry, calm down, think to myself, etc. it's so much harder to do that when you live in the city, but if you live somewhere close to nature, i'd give it a shot.
another thing that i've found helpful is doing a social media fast. it's so hard to see people on instagram with these perfect lives and perfect bodies having the best time of their lives. even the most good-intentioned posts can make you feel like crap when you compare their life to yours. the easiest way to get rid of that is to just take a break from your phone/social media. you'll be super bored the first few days, but then you'll start to fill that boredom with some of the other things you love. maybe that's reading a book, or drawing, or playing an instrument, or running just because you want to. try it for a week and see how it improves your mood.
you mentioned you have relationship problems with your dad. something that helped me with my grandma was writing letters to her with all my feelings and everything i wish i could say to her face. i would never send these letters, but just writing it and getting it out of my system helped so much.
i really feel for you 💕 i know how hard it is to go through these feelings. i hope these suggestions help you in some way.
@ryanmakenna
Thank you very much. I feel you summed up everything I needed in one post! You are totally right about the instagram. I don't think it could affect me, but after 10 minutes, I begin to start to overthink.
I will definetly give the mirror trick out. I have hazel eyes, so they turn green and light brown. I think I could start there since I actually do like my eye color. Especially when I cry and they turn vivid green.
Again, thank you! I was beginning to feel bad again, it's really nice to hear it from someone who understands. I hope that you can improve in your life struggles as well.
Good bye! (P.S. I appreciate that you took time to read my post and reply. Hope you have a great day tomorrow!
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