I feel burned.
Over the course of a year I became what felt like good friends with my coworker. I have unfortunately over the past few months developed deeper feelings for her. I won't go into the various reasons why that wouldn't work out. I had accepted this, or at least, most of me.
We've talked about it, thats the kind of person she is. She cares and doesn't like to see me this way but we continue to work together like everything is normal, and for the most part it is. I hit a bump every now and then that messes with me.
I've had to come to face a rough truth that I felt was always true. Our friendship only exists within this job. The moment I get another job, thats it. Like I never existed and that makes me feel completely worthless and unwanted despite the fact that theres nothing wrong with that.
I don't know what the point of all of this was. Getting attached, having a positive friendship with someone only to end up losing it completely. It makes me not want to connect with anyone. I just don't feel good, I feel like nothing matters. I can only imagine how I would feel if I weren't on medication. My happiness is gone and I can't function at work anymore, all I can do it put on a happy face because I know she hates to see me upset.
@arledge
Hi there ! I'm sorry to hear about this. I can totally relate to your post, as someone who only has friends depending on the context, I really understand how you feel. It's hard to know that maybe you'll lose this relationship with someone who seems to be important for you. And I can see why you're wondering what the point is. I don't have all the answers but I can share my thoughts based on personal experience. Even if a relationship isn't going to last, you probably shared happy moments with this person. You'll need time to mourn the loss of the relationship but maybe after that you'll be able to remember these happy moments and see how this person changed you. As for the fact that you'll complety loose contact with her, maybe you could try talking about this with her. Perhaps she'd be open to keeping contact even after the work is finished ... ? It seems like she cares for you, it could be something that she's considered already .. ?
Hang on in there, sending peaceful thoughts your way (+ a hug if you want one !) <3
@Slizzy564
We did talk about this specifically. She had been mentioning that I should get started on a career. I told her I was very uncomfortable because that would mean the end of our friendship.
She said she didn't really have friends (outside of work). So, I don't know.
I do feel better after typing all of this out but it feels like I could fall back into a depressive state at any point.
@arledge
Regarding your career, I would think that the best person to choose what you should do is yourself, don't you think ? If you want a career, then start on a career. If you're comfortable where you are now, then stay there ... Choosing a career depending on someone else seems like a risky thing to do. But at the end of the day, you should choose what you think is best or what you're the most comfortable with.
Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with a friendship outside of work, in which case there's not much you can do about it sadly. I don't know if you've known her for a long time, maybe she needs time to warm up to the idea ?
Sometimes just getting it all out of our system is good for us. Do you have a support system in case you feel yourself slipping into depression ?
@Slizzy564
About the career, shes just trying to lookout for me because the current job shouldn't really be a long-term job.
I wouldn't really be able to say why she says she doesn't have friends outside of work. I don't think I should really ask.
I have a therapist but they aren't available for long day to day venting sessions like this. The weeks drag on pretty long, kinda wish my next session was Monday.
@arledge
She seems to care for you a lot if she's trying to help you out with your career.
I understand that you don't feel comfortable asking. Some people just have their own ways of living their life.
I'm sorry to hear that your therapist isn't available as much as you want and get that the weeks between sessions seem long. We're not therapists, but we can listen to you here.
@Slizzy564
Right, thanks.
I need to keep it out of my head, I think I'll feel better on Monday.
@arledge
If keeping it out of head will help you at the moment, then that sounds like a good thing to do.
I hope you feel better on monday, good luck !
@Slizzy564
Thanks. I just hope I didnt put too much stress on our friendship. I hope theres nothing wrong between us.
I just want to go into work tomorrow with a good attitude and act like everything is okay.
@arledge
If you talked it out with her, I wouldn't think that you put too much stress on the friendship. You were voicing your concerns and that's a healthy thing to do. As long as it's calm, open communication, there's nothing wrong about it. Have you sensed a difference in your interactions with her ?
I understand the need to act like everything is okay and put on a positive attitude. Sometimes it can help to move on. If it can bring peace to your mind for the day/week why not, as long as you don't neglect your own feelings on the way.
@Slizzy564
I feel like it is different. I cant make a good assessment because my needless worrying and anxiety causes me to panic.
@arledge
Then maybe it is different. There's no good or bad assessement as you are living this situation under the influence of your own vision and emotions and that's normal. Maybe you could try writings things down, it could help sort out some of your thoughts and reflect on the situation .. ?
@Slizzy564
I'm going on a 2 week leave, can't work like this. I think I screwed up but oh well.
Gonna be a long 2 weeks for me. Just going to have to get my head together. Called my therapist for an urgent talk, she ended up having me come in today during one of her open hours and I go again on Wednesday.
Ugh, gonna be rough.
I'm filled with worry.
I just want Monday to be here so I know everything is okay.
I dont think theres much I can do to calm myself down.
I just hope I didnt screw up.
@arledge i know how you feel..... Love is hard...
Everything felt off since Friday.
But I pushed myself to be positive and put a smile on. Told myself it would be a great day.
Felt like I was being avoided. Maybe it was my anxiety playing tricks on me.
I decide to do a 2 week leave. Tell a few people I'll see them in two weeks. All I got was a "okay" from her.
Im destroyed, I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant do anything, all I have to look forward to is sulking around and sleeping 12 hours a day.
I cant describe how I feel.
@arledge I've just stumbled upon this thread and I'm kind of freaking out because you're almost word for word describing my life right now. It's almost eerie how similar your story is to mine... From your job/career to your relationship with your coworker, to therapy and not quite being able to process all of it. I've been there, man -- still am! If you're interested, here's a rundown of my story:
I've had very strong feelings for my coworker for close to two years now, and we started getting to know each other last summer. We started talking more and more, started having deeper, more private conversations, sharing secrets, all that jazz. We would regularly hang out in her office and talk, sometimes for like an hour. But we never met outside of work. Over the following months, we developed what to me looked like a pretty solid friendship. But there was always this nagging doubt in me that she didn't actually care about me, that she talked to me just to be polite. Sadly, at the end of last year, she quit and got a new job. Saying goodbye to her on her last day of work was just indescribably awful...
Unlike you, I never confessed my feelings to her -- although I would be surprised if she hadn't figured it out long ago. Unfortunately (for me), she has a boyfriend anyway, and I doubt that she could ever have romantic feelings for me, even if she was single. I had just hoped we could stay friends after she left. We did start texting in January. Obviously, I was extremely relieved that we were still keeping in touch. But soon she started taking more and more time to respond. I became progressively more distraught and depressed. Suddenly it looked like I did lose sight of her after all. It got to the point where she took weeks to respond. And that's where I'm at right now.
Sorry for rambling in your thread, I'm just bringing this up because I 100% empathize with you. I know exactly how rough this kind of situation is, since I'm still in the middle of it myself. But, as hackneyed as it sounds, it gets better eventually. Heartbreak doesn't last forever, even if it can feel that way. Things start settling down eventually -- and I didn't even WANT things to settle down! I didn't want to just give up and, as everybody suggests, "move on". But some things you just can't control, time marches on and your feelings can indeed change like everything else does. All I wanna say is, hang in there, as brutal as it is. It takes time, and there's just no way around that, I think. I've found that taking my mind off of the issue helps, so it was probably a good move for you to take some time off. Also talking to people on 7 Cups has helped me a lot. It does take the load off a little bit. If you'd like to we can compare notes some time ;) Stay strong!
@zzz143
My coworker is over a decade older than me and married. Over the course of a year we worked together really well as a team and I caught those feelings. She has a sort of dirty sense of humor. A hard worker, and kinda flirty from time to time. Would bring me food she cooked for lunch. Being the person that she is, a very kind empathetic person, we discussed these feelings. She said I could talk to her about anything.
I don't understand where I went wrong right now or maybe my mind is just tricking me. It feels like I fucked up somewhere, I really don't understand. Maybe I'm being completely stupid and just jumped to a thousand conclusions. But right now, I feel like I'm being avoided.
I didn't want to make her uncomfortable so I took a 2 week unpaid leave to get my head straight. I sure hope when I get back I was wrong. I want to go back to being a team. I never tried to push any boundaries. I always respected those boundaries. I only wanted to be friends.
But I feel like I lost a friend instead. The pressure in my head in constant, I don't have the motivation to do anything. I mostly just walk around or stare at things.
This is probably the lowest I've been.
@arledge
Yup, I totally get all of that, too. I've often felt entirely hopeless over the last couple of months, without the energy to do anything at all. And I get only wanting to be friends as well. I was always extremely careful around my coworker and didn't want her to even get the impression that I was coming on to her. Obviously I wish she wasn't in a relationship, but I totally respect that she is. And like you, I also felt like she wasn't actually interested in a steady friendship. So if you and I are in fact similar in that way, I would guess that you probably are jumping to conclusions like I often do. Maybe your coworker has something else on her mind and that's why she seems avoidant? Who knows. My coworker was the same -- one day she looks at me like she barely knows me, the next day she's beaming when she meets me. The point is, all of this is just guesswork and you're not doing yourself any favors by worrying about it.
I don't know your coworker, of course, but if she is a decade older than you I'd assume she is mature enough to understand that these things happen. People catch feelings sometimes, nothing you can do about it. It's not like that's a "bad" thing either. I'm sure she sees and appreciates that you're respecting her boundaries! And if the situation is indeed a bit awkward for her right now, I'm sure that too will settle down with time. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up over it. It takes guts to confess your feelings to somebody. If you guys had a positive relationship beforehand, I should hope she wouldn't give up on that because of your confession.
I can imagine you want answers and you want them now. You want to know why your coworker is acting that way. But it is what it is right now, and since you do have some free time, please try and make good use of it. Really try and give yourself some rest, as I'm sure you need it. If you can think of some things that you genuinely enjoy doing, spend some time doing that. Talk to friends. Even just watching a movie every now and then has helped me clear my mind a little bit, even if I didn't feel like watching movies. Just try not to think about your coworker too much. In my case, I usually didn't allow myself to do that, because it somehow felt like a "betrayal". Like I'm giving up. But that's not what that is. This kind of thing takes a toll on you and you just need a break sometimes, that's totally normal. Sorry if I'm not helpful :(
@zzz143
Right.
We've talked about it at least 4 times. Shes such a sweet woman that acting this way seems out of character.
I guess I will find out in 2 weeks. If she smiles and says good morning like she usually does, or just avoids me. I need to prepare myself for the worst or else I'll break down again and even so I might still break down.
Right now I'm just numb and I'm spacing out just staring all the time. Its really taken a toll on me today.
Its okay, I'm glad people here have had a similar situation and you are right, I wish I could get answers now. I could text, but thats a boundary I don't cross and maybe I should give her space even if it weren't.
I'll just have to rest.
@arledge
Again, you're not going to figure out why she has been acting that way just by constantly ruminating about it anyway, so do yourself a favor and try not to think about it. I know, easier said than done :) Just try and distract yourself as best you can. Her behavior might not have anything to do with you at all, and if it does you'll have to accept that for the time being. Doesn't mean it can't change again in the future. Either way, you won't find out before those two weeks are up. If I were you I wouldn't text her. Not because that would be crossing boundaries, but because it wouldn't be very helpful in getting your mind off of this whole situation. You might feel like you've made a mistake by taking a break, but I think that was probably a pretty healthy instinct. Maybe that's your psyche pumping the breaks.
Once again, my suggestion would be that since you get to take some time off, use it well and actually get some rest. Take a breath and don't worry about this issue too much. If you're just sitting there for two weeks pondering the same questions all day over and over again, you'll feel just as drained in two weeks as you are now. Believe me, I've wasted countless days that way. At some point I pretty much forgot that life can even be any different than that. It takes some conscious effort to rediscover that, because in situations like this one almost wants to wallow in all this darkness and negativity, but just try and occupy yourself with some of the lighter things in life instead of shutting everything out, then deal with the issue at hand when the time comes. Take it step by step, no need to rush. And try to be kind to yourself :)
@zzz143
After 12 hours of sleep.
I feel very bitter and angry.
When I get back to work I dont feel like socializing with anyone.
Just going to be off by myself.
@arledge
I'm very sorry to hear that, man.
I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean right now you feel like you don't want to socialize with anyone once you get back to work in two weeks? If that's what you mean I'd say you probably shouldn't focus on that at the moment. You said you are on leave to get your head straight, so you probably shouldn't worry about work now. Maybe focus on how you can make yourself feel better, even if it's just a little bit.
I hope you have family or friends that you can talk to about this. I don't think it's a good idea to be alone at this time. If this issue is weighing on you, and you're feeling confused, it's easy to slip into a vicious cycle. At least that's how I've felt. Try talking to people if you can. Do you have any therapy sessions scheduled?
@zzz143
Every Wednesday I have therapy.
I'm not comfortable talking to friends and family so I don't, its easier talking to people you don't know.
I might ask if I can have multiple sessions a week. Its hard to really motivate myself to do anything, that and my head hurts but I'll try.
@arledge
Alright, I'm glad you have regular therapy sessions. I hope you have a decent therapist, because mine unfortunately wasn't too helpful with this issue...
I got you, I feel the same way about talking to friends and family. But maybe you could at least try and talk to some of your friends just to distract yourself?
I get that it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything and that's completely understandable. Don't worry about it and just take it slow. Maybe you'll have to force yourself every now and then to do something, but don't rush yourself. You don't have to solve every problem at once. Give yourself some slack, it'll be fine. If your therapist can do multiple sessions a week that would probably be a good idea. It's great that you're willing to take action!
Tempted to reach out, I shouldn't. Stress is hitting me like a truck. Can't focus on anything.
Gotta calm down.
@arledge
If you think about it rationally, do you think reaching out right now would really help? What could that conversation accomplish? How would it affect your emotional state? After all, you've talked about the issue four times already, right?
I can't tell you what's good for you. But it's pretty clear that you are going through a very rough time and I know how difficult it is to make sound, rational decisions in such a state. I also know that these periods pass eventually. My view is that you are taking a break for a reason and reaching out to your coworker right now would probably defeat the purpose of your break. But in the end, you have to decide for yourself what you think is good for you, and I hope your therapist can help you with that!
If you can't focus on anything right now, don't worry! Of course you can't. You're dealing with very difficult emotions and these things unfortunately just take time. I know it's very frustrating, but it's just going to suck for a while. But it won't last forever. Right now just take it easy, keep breathing, try and distract yourself with something fun if you can, and if you can't, no problem, try again later when you feel like it. And rely on your therapist!
@zzz143
Thanks.
Therapist wants to give me more ways to handle my anxiety and sadness so that I am more prepared for the future.
She wants me to find more things to do but I dont have interest in a lot of things and theres not much to do around here.
Ultimately I had an okay day. But I always feel like I'm on that line where things could go bad at any minute.
Especially near the end of the day when I'm winding down, I'm more vulnerable. I wish I had someone to talk to. I get lonely and sad.
@arledge
I know the feeling very well... I've had countless days where I was constantly on the verge of a breakdown. But I still somehow made it through every time...
I'm glad to hear your therapist is working with you to improve your situation. I know it can be hard to keep yourself occupied. I also feel like I've pretty much lost interest in most things that I used to enjoy. Do you have any old hobbies that you've neglected? Maybe that's worth looking into during your break. Or maybe take a short trip somewhere? Unless that's not an option due to Covid-19, of course.
You've mentioned that you don't like talking to friends about this kind of stuff, which I totally understand. I've only opened up to one of my friends about this and I never do that either. I'm glad I did though. I'm not trying to make you talk to somebody about this if you're uncomfortable. Just saying maybe give it a thought. If you can think of someone whom you can trust with this kind of issue and who you know will actually listen to you, maybe it's worth a shot? If not, there's always 7 Cups, of course. It's not the same as talking to a friend, but still a lot better than trying to process an overwhelming situation like yours (or mine) all on your own.
@zzz143
I ended up reaching out, asking if I did something to make her upset. I haven't heard back all day, I guess I don't expect to either.
I guess I ruined a good friendship somehow. Its my fault.
@arledge
I think you're jumping to conclusions here. Just wait for her reply... And whatever it is, I hope you can talk it out. But she may need some time before you can do that, if there really is something wrong. Whatever the case, take it one step at a time, please. Don't beat yourself up over this.
@zzz143
I dont think Im going to get a response at all.
@arledge
You might not, I have no idea. You're just going to have to wait and see now, I'm afraid. What I'm trying to say is there is no point in worrying about it now. If you don't get a reply, then I suppose it's probably best to leave it at that for the time being and maybe try talking to her once you get back to work.
@zzz143
Understandable. Perhaps I am still wrong.
I've resigned to my low expectations, I'm putting my walls up.
@arledge
Honestly I think it's good that you're prepared that you might not get the result you're probably hoping for. But you still don't have all the facts, so I think you shouldn't draw any conclusions just yet. I'm just wondering how that will affect your relationship with your coworker when you get back to work. Maybe you're making this harder for yourself than it needs to be? I don't know, that's just the impression that I'm getting here. I still think you had the right instinct by taking that break, so use it.
I'm not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination, but how will putting your walls up help you in the long run? Maybe you feel like it would protect you from further pain at the moment. But wouldn't that just lead you to react in the same way the next time something like this happens? From my experience, those walls always fall eventually, and the longer it takes the more painful a process it becomes. The fact that you're already in therapy is a great chance for you not to let that happen, I think. Just my two cents.
I know I'm not helping, I just sincerely hope you'll make it through this okay, man. I know how hard it is.
@zzz143
No no, you are always helping. You offer great advice and of course putting my walls up is short sighted. I'll let my therapist talk to me about it.
I've turned my sadness and anxiety into anger. Not at anyone or anything, of course, because that would be wrong. But I refuse to be sad anymore this week or next week. I feel like I'm more functional this way for the time being. Of course thats not a long term solution but I'll let the therapist talk to me about that as well.
I sure do feel better, even if temporary.
@arledge
All I can offer is company. If what I'm saying is helping you see things in even a slightly different light, that's great.
I'm stating the obvious here, but anger is a very potent thing. I suppose everybody deals with this stuff in their own way, but be very careful. Even if you're currently not consciously directing your anger at anyone or anything, it has to go somewhere at some point in time. I'm speaking from experience, because I have self-destructive tendencies. And what if those unprocessed emotions affect a future relationship? But as you said yourself, it's best to work with your therapist. I'm sure there is a healthier and more productive way to process what you're dealing with.
@arledge
im so sorry you feel this way
My sadness turned to anger (not towards anyone), feels like the anger allowed me to just let go.
Doesnt matter what the outcome is, I'm not going to let it bother me.
Still hard to sleep, anxiety and depression will hang around for a while.
Went to work to talk to boss. Ended up in a meeting with boss and friend.
Talked it all out.
Went behind the building with friend to talk more.
Issue resolved, we should be just fine.
@arledge
Well I'm glad to hear you talked it out. How are you feeling now? Are you satisfied with the outcome?
Just out of curiosity: Why did you feel you needed to involve your boss? Seemed more like a personal issue than a work-related issue to me.
@zzz143
I didn't involve him, she did.
She feels bad for ratting me out but she didn't know how to handle it. She said I was making her uncomfortable, I said that you told me I could talk to you about anything, you should've asked me to stop. I would've stopped. In hindsight she feels bad for that too.
She didn't answer my texts on Friday because she was scared. I guess of making me feel bad. She wanted to text me all weekend. She feels bad for avoiding me that Monday that caused me to leave.
Everything is ok, I explained I pushed all that behind me. She didn't want to give up on me, she likes working with me, she wants to keep working with me and helping me. She said I'm like a 3rd son to her. She said she was proud of me for showing up to clear this all up. (Which I had planned a week prior) She said this was a lesson for both of us and it might help us be even better friends.
I had mentioned that I was going to put my walls up. But both her and my boss told me not to. But I want to be friends and prevent those feelings from coming back.
So I was correct about literally everything. I fucked up, she never said anything, she WAS avoiding me. I wasn't crazy.
I'm okay, I was ready for any outcome. I've pushed all of those feelings behind me but I bet some still linger deep within.
I go back to work on Wednesday, we will be fine.
@arledge
I see, sorry for assuming you were the one who involved your boss.
I guess sometimes it's easier to avoid confrontation and hope the problem will solve itself, so I do get why she would try to avoid you. Hell, I probably would have done the same thing, because I hate confrontation. Even though that usually just ends up making things worse...
Well, I'm relieved to hear that you talked about it openly and were able to put it all behind you. I think it's admirable that you actually took the initiative to clear things up! Like your coworker said, I hope you become even better friends now. And I also hope you can resolve those lingering feelings in due time.
Finally, I'm sorry I doubted your assessment of the situation! I guess I was just trying to find different angles, because I personally often get stuck in a rigid narrative in my head and I was trying to steer you away from that, especially since you really sounded distressed.
Best wishes!
@zzz143
I think I ended up pushing too much towards her and combine that with my mood swings it just made her uncomfortable.
I think theres still a lot to learn about what happened and I have a few questions to ask her if shes willing to bring up the whole thing.
I think we will be fine, if she didnt care about me she wouldnt have gone through all that trouble.
For the time being she wont be bringing any goodies for me lol.
Its all okay, I'm okay, everything is getting better.
Update: Matter is concluded.
I fully apologized because in the end it was my fault but it was an accident.
We are 100% ok, and are working together and having fun.
So far my anxiety and depression have gone away.
Its going to be a balancing act to make sure I stay in a good mental state. My issue may be resolved but the problems can always come back and I need to be aware.
Today was a great day.
Tomorrow will be a great day.
Everything is okay.
@arledge
I'm very glad to hear you're doing well and that the issue between you and your coworker is resolved :) Sincerely happy for you, man.
It's good that you are aware that things can always take an unexpected turn in the future. I do hope you just get to enjoy your renewed friendship now, though :) These last days were very hard for you, but I'm sure it has been a valuable lesson in the end!
Best of luck to you, dude!