I feel so inadequate
A warm hello to whoever takes the time to read this,
Lately I have just been feeling so inadequate for the lack of a better term. Nothing I do feels enough. I had to cut out social media cause I can't take seeing other people succeed in the things I'd love to do. I currently study and have 2 jobs to pay my bills, I grow plants on the balcony, occasionally play the piano, I am learning Italian, French and Spanish, recently even copublished a student catalogue for an exhibition. I work out almost every day and cook. Therapy is going well too. Yet still I feel like I'm not enough.
I am not a good pianist, a horrible photographer who before COVID shot a lot of concerts, I constantly experience failure in the form of people not taking what I do seriously which seems to affect me a lot. It is so difficult seeing people and friends succeed with ease, while I have to fight for every little thing and have to prove my worth. I feel so horrible for not having the time and energy to play piano more or to draw. Most days I feel like I cant do it anyway so why bother if I am constantly told whatever I do isn't enough. I had to jump so many hurdles in photography, even got a job at a studio and yet people belittle me all the time. I worked with one of the biggest old school blues guitarists and yet people belittle me and tell me how to do my job, some even trying to get me to fail. I was rejected from art school too multiple times which doesn't help. An artist friend told me to just ignore what other people say. That is easy to say when you're praised by everyone and constantly get commissions and get into every school you want. It is so difficult to ignore everyone when 90% of people make your work harder and think you're not good enough to even try.
People who have seen my work usually like it a lot and find it captivating. The majority of people though wont even let me try doing something because in their eyes I cant do it anyway so why bother. I wish I was making this up but I was told that a few times. I just cant explain it. It doesn't make sense to me. Is it because I'm only 22? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because they are right and I'm truly a failure? I don't know anymore.
Edit: It is almost like i feel like i should be someone else. Like i dont fit in anywhere too in a way. Not sure it makes sense. I see other people and feel like i should be that but i am not.
Hello, I understand the feeling. It really helps to type it out and have people recognize how you're feeling, because in front of everyone else around you there is no way to talk without opening up too much. My trick so far to this insecurity of ours is to, "look on the bright side". I know it sounds cheesy but it's not exactly what I mean, so I'll throw some examples. Instead of staring at the car in front of me and flooding myself with thoughts, I'll look at the trees and the sky and pay attention to how perfect everything feels. If I'm sitting at the park, I'll notice all the shade the trees give, the bees around the flowers, and the warmth the sun gives me. I try and find out how the moment I'm in at the moment is perfect, and that nothing is wrong. This really helps me calm down from panicking or mental attacks, because it opens up the optimism in my head and let's me think about simple things that are around me. It is not a solution to your situation, but this is how I currently am pushing through my anxiety and depression with how I am doing compared to others. I really wish you to do this today, or tomorrow, or the next day you have 10 free minutes. Go to your favorite spot in the city, play your favorite calm music, and enjoy the scenery, because that is a huge part of our experience on this planet. Ivan
@cb11 You are perseverant. People many times get you wrong because of many reasons, but not all them depend on you. Surely, this situation will change one good day. Yes, people are gifted with different talents, but it should not affect us negatively. In something we are more gifted than others. You are a young strong woman and you will find different, maybe unexpected possibilities. Do not program yourself negatively. You are able to build a prosperous, positive life.
@GabAlf thanks. It is just so difficult. I guess i just want someone to tell me it is ok to feel like this and I am so exhausted from the whole " everything will be good eventually". It just makes me feel bad for feeling bad in a way. Like I am tired of blind positivity that is almost toxic even. Sorry that im again ranting. I am also tired I have the feeling what I do is meaningless.
I really relate to this. I know it’s so hard to manage, but maybe take some time to ask yourself if you’re holding yourself to higher standards than you would hold a friend, and try to lower your expectations of yourself. Just getting through the day is an achievement when you’re feeling low. Try repeating or writing out mantras like “I am exactly where I need to be” and “I am good enough”. It takes time to work on changing your deep rooted beliefs about yourself, but it is possible and you deserve to feel good about yourself because I promise you, you are good enough. I’m also so sorry about the people in your life who are putting you down, perhaps consider cutting them out if you can, or think about the fact that what they’re saying to you is just them projecting their own insecurities into you because they admire you. I hope things get easier for you soon.
@lavenderMoon463 thanks for your reply. I have been trying your mantra idea for years and it just doesn't seem to work for me. Also I unfortunately cant cut most of these people out because of different reasons. I try to stay off of social media lately because I have such a hard time with it. I don't know if I am such a wimp or something but it all feels so toxic to me. In concert photography circles you don't seem to be worth much unless you work with hugely known bands and if you don't no one cares. Likes and followers matter more than your work too. I started running lately and that community is so toxic too. I guess I wish I had a place where you get supported and not hated on so much. Sorry for rambling by the way.
It is just sometimes so hard to not fall into those rabbit holes where numbers mean more than anything else. I try to feel good enough but I just don't and its killing me. Sometimes I reach points where I just want to give it all up. Not that i'll ever have the heart to do that.
thank you
