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cb11
4,581 M Seeking Light 6
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts90 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceMay 23, 2018
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Why don't I deserve a break? Everything is becoming too much to deal with
Depression Support / by cb11
Last post
 September 3rd, 2021
...See more So this whole year has been one hell of a chaos and it just feels like I never get to catch a break. To keep things short and sweet I just want to talk about the last few weeks. I have been missing my boyfriend a lot who I haven't seen since Covid started aka March 2020 and I miss him a lot. My dad has been in intensive mental care and since he is back things have been getting worse again. I don't live with family but I visited a bit over a week ago. He wants to not live with family anymore which I don't care about but he blames everyone else for his behaviour which gets exhausting. I try to support him but even I draw lines. For example he told me he wants to date other women and leave my mom which is fine but he doesn't have the guts to tell her or file for divorce. Then he wants me to convince his parents to give the house to my brother and I cause he fears my uncle wants to sell it once my grandparents die and dad said if he gets the house he will evict mom. It is all just so messed up. My mom is struggling with his behaviour and he solely blames her for what is going on and whatnot. We also got into a small fight and he came back from the shower with red eyes and suddenly as sweet as I remember him to be when he got out of the clinic. He had obviously cried. I couldn't wait to leave. I am currently doing my bachelor thesis in art history and it gives me so much anxiety. I feel a lot of pressure and all. My depression has been getting worse again and I just feel so left alone. I cant talk to family either. Things at work are difficult too. I have 2 jobs right now. At both places there is a bunch of tension going on and trying to stay out of it makes me feel so unseen. I just feel so invisible and ignored. It is like no one cares about how they make me feel and I don't want to be in the vulnerable position to explain that I do feel horrible lately. I don't want to look weak. For a few days now my chronic pain has been back and I just overall feel very very sick and weak. I worked a bunch on my thesis and with work, I try to distract myself a bit. I have today off and wanted to work on my thesis. I finally managed to get up and saw my mom asked me to call her. I do and she picks up the phone crying and telling me her best friend has breast cancer and that she is so scared of losing her and whatnot. It is just all so difficult. I don't want to be a jerk and I know this sounds mean but I can't be there for her right now. I can barely be there for myself right now. I feel like I'm everyone's f***ing mom. Everyone seems to want me to be considerate and it feels like it doesn't matter what I want and how I feel. It is cruel. It is very cruel and selfish of the people around me not to think about what their actions do to me. Before you ask: yes I have told people and some have gotten mad at me and I don't care. I just cant cut off family even more than I already do. I'm sorry
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I can't even have a nice day
Trauma Support / by cb11
Last post
 June 29th, 2021
...See more I've worked a lot the past few weeks and today I wanted to have a nice day in the city for myself. I went to the park and this guy walked a bit with me. We chatted. Nothing bad. I didn't think much of it until he asked if I was single. I told him I'm not. He said he was. OK cool dude whatever I don't care. He then asks me why I'm alone if I have a great boyfriend. I started to feel uncomfortable and told him I just don't mind being alone and that we can't constantly be together. He basically said that such a pretty and young woman can't be walking around alone and be single. I lied and told him my guy and I are about to get married but you wouldn't take a no for an answer because of course not. He already stood super close to me and then proceeded to take my hand without consent. I immediately pulled back. He wouldn't leave me alone and there was no one else in that part of the park. I got so scared. He tried to force me to give him my phone number saying he so badly wants to hang out with me. I said no but he wouldn't take it for an answer. Despite being extremely triggered I still managed to walk away somehow. I immediately started crying and just wanted to throw up. I'm still not feeling OK. I'm dissociating very badly. I just wanted to have a nice day. I feel like I can't go anywhere alone anymore without someone hitting on me and touching me without consent. Im so scared.
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I feel so inadequate
Depression Support / by cb11
Last post
 June 20th, 2021
...See more A warm hello to whoever takes the time to read this, Lately I have just been feeling so inadequate for the lack of a better term. Nothing I do feels enough. I had to cut out social media cause I can't take seeing other people succeed in the things I'd love to do. I currently study and have 2 jobs to pay my bills, I grow plants on the balcony, occasionally play the piano, I am learning Italian, French and Spanish, recently even copublished a student catalogue for an exhibition. I work out almost every day and cook. Therapy is going well too. Yet still I feel like I'm not enough. I am not a good pianist, a horrible photographer who before COVID shot a lot of concerts, I constantly experience failure in the form of people not taking what I do seriously which seems to affect me a lot. It is so difficult seeing people and friends succeed with ease, while I have to fight for every little thing and have to prove my worth. I feel so horrible for not having the time and energy to play piano more or to draw. Most days I feel like I cant do it anyway so why bother if I am constantly told whatever I do isn't enough. I had to jump so many hurdles in photography, even got a job at a studio and yet people belittle me all the time. I worked with one of the biggest old school blues guitarists and yet people belittle me and tell me how to do my job, some even trying to get me to fail. I was rejected from art school too multiple times which doesn't help. An artist friend told me to just ignore what other people say. That is easy to say when you're praised by everyone and constantly get commissions and get into every school you want. It is so difficult to ignore everyone when 90% of people make your work harder and think you're not good enough to even try. People who have seen my work usually like it a lot and find it captivating. The majority of people though wont even let me try doing something because in their eyes I cant do it anyway so why bother. I wish I was making this up but I was told that a few times. I just cant explain it. It doesn't make sense to me. Is it because I'm only 22? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because they are right and I'm truly a failure? I don't know anymore.
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Not bad enough
Trauma Support / by cb11
Last post
 April 26th, 2021
...See more I have to start a bit back My first sexual experience was horrendous. I was 19 at the time and badly mentally ill but without support. He took advantage of it but it never came to actual intercourse. After that I had a few men harass and touch me without consent and it led to the point where even 3 years later I struggle quite a bit with touch and anything sex. I'm in a long distance relationship due to covid and even over text he occasionally manages to trigger me. I'm trying so hard and I feel like I'm making such a big fuss about something that happened 3 years ago. It feels like what happened wasn't bad enough to matter. He is usually being super sweet whenever I have issues but he can't relate at all and has a hard time understanding. I just feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Sex is difficult for me but I'm trying. Yesterday he triggered me pretty bad and today I'm still crying and shaking and I have bad headaches and light sensitivity. I feel so pathetic and like wimp and a loser. It shouldn't have such an effect on me and yet it doesn't feel like I'm doing bad enough for it to matter.
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