I guess it's time to vent

If anything I wish I didnt need this. I wish I could get through my day with the same face I have on at work, the same face I share with my SO. I wish that late at night I didnt stare into eyes I never asked for, and felt a soul screaming back at me.

I wish I didnt hurt..

It's like I'm living a different life.

My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she turned 25. I was long away from her at that point. Stolen by my father and refused any contact.

I didnt know anything was wrong with me until I started seeing a therapist when I turned 20. I had spoken with my mom since, and fell head over heels for her. She was the reason my father hated me, or seemed too. She was the reason I wasn't his son, why I never felt like I belonged.

She had bled into me so heavily in the short year we had together before the break that I turned into her with little to no contact. How terrifying and exciting it was to finally meet the woman who brought me into this world, who made me..me!

But that was before the diagnosis...that was before I learned that I wouldn't get better. That these feelings wouldn't go away. That I could manage, but not fix these problems.

That was the one thing my father taught me that stuck. If something is broken, you work like hell to fix it.

But..I cant fix this​..i cant make these things go away.

To pretend I can is to live a lie.

But I suppose, what else is new.

It's nice to get this off my chest once in a while