I have been depressed my whole long life
I am now 65 years old and have nearly finished my 3rd year off medication for depression, which I will never again take for the rest of my life. I have recently decided to leave a support group for what I perceive was a lack of support and caring by one of the moderators and I happened upon this group through an internet search. Though I think the premise is awesome, I don't think I can find the support I crave here. I was not able to search the entire database for someone of my own age group to talk to, I had really been hoping for that. The Support/Feedback link did not appear to have any way of communicating this to anyone so I decided to just make a post here. My experience with a on-on-one chat was with a way younger person who was chatting with 5 other people at the same time. I did not feel supported in the least. I do feel that this is an awesome idea but not for someone who needs some help but cannot afford therapy. I guess I had higher expectations.
The group chat room I entered twice was not helpful either, a lot of acting out it seemed and too much bad language. The site seems geared to young people and I don't fit in, story of my life! I wish you all well.
@LavenderCat65
First of all, thank you for writing this post. I'm so sorry if you hadn't gotten the best support that you looked for the whole time you've spent in this site. Apparently there are similar cravings like yours, and this site is working on this! You might want to peek to this post and this post. You're not alone in this and I hope you'll get the best support you crave soon.
Hello Lavender, I thought the same when I first joined. I am 42 and have found the forum better than the listeners too.
I have had depression my whole life and am on Venlefaxine, have been on it for over 20 years. Thewithdrawals are so bad I cannot bear to give them up. If you have gotten off meds at 65, you deserve a bloody medal! 😊
Was there a specific issue that was bothering you? I check in at least once a day, mainly to support others. Takes my mind off myself and gives me some perspective. It gives me a sense of wellbeing to help others too.
I would be happy to talk to you on this thread. As I said, I check in once a day. Would you like to share anything?
Hey Lavender,
I am 55 and have been depressed my whole life too. I have been therapy a few times, and it did help me every time, at least it got me through some very difficult times. Three years ago I went on a relatively low dose of Effexor and it has gotten me through many issues, however, I wondered it it hasn't dulled me.
It is difficult to tell what is causing what at this age. It like going through puberty in reverse 
.
Anyway, it would be nice to talk to people of middle age. Reading the group forum was depressing in itself, and trying to talk a listener went no where. The empty compliments and simple fail say comments made me realize they were just there to listen. I guess I as expecting more.
In any case, if there are other more "mature members" out there, that want to "talk", I would love to chat.
Hey Lavender,
Hope you are still around to talk. I've been there, done that too.
Haha! I agree 100%. We should have a "Experienced in life" forum for us more "mature" people that can recognise short attention spans and platitudes, which are stock in trade here! Let's claim this thread for ourselves. I check in once a day and am happy to discuss things with you!
@7785845 I totally agree. I would like to have a thread with the "older" folks can come and share and hopefully support each other.
Wow, all of these replies and even though I set my notification settings I did not get any emails to tell me that they were here. I had to search my browser history to even find the name of the site because I could not remember it in the seal of bookmarks I have.
I plan to revisit this thread later because there seem to be a few people here interested in talking and are able to use whole sentences and words of more than one letter. Thank you all!
Well here it November and the site sent me an automatic email asking me to check in. If they can do that surely they can rig up something to notify one when there is a reply to a post? Oh well, I guess one cannot have everything. So many people posted to my thread (and the other one I had started), I am sure those people are long gone now.
I am having the worst time with this lonely feeling, at times it borders on panic. I want my life to hurry up and be over because I haven't a clue what to do to soothe myself. I crave physical contact and I cannot get any and I crave emotional contact too and I only get it in trickles. Not working as much anymore and don't have anything to take up my time yet. I am sitting in the house day after day waiting for my 91 year old mother to die. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, this deliberate sitting still and waiting. She doesn't talk to me voluntarily and when I need to say anything to her she replies with an edge to her voice and says hurtful things that cut me to the core. I cannot hold my temper and end up screaming at her. All of my family dysfunctions are right at the surface. And then I want to die.
What a bizarre way to live.
@LavenderCat65
Hi Lavendercat! I am PoliteOcean93 and I just read your post. I would like for you to please reach out to me! I would love to talk with you about some things and about your journey with Depression. I have some other ideas that may interest you also. Please contact me! Thank you :) here is my link https://www.7cups.com/@politeOcean93
Still not getting any notifications of replies to my thread so I will just assume that the site owners want it this way and have decided I will just use it to post stream of consciousness stuff just to get it out of my head. I will try to send messages to those who add replies but if I don't contact you, blame the site, not me. If I don't know someone is talking to me I won't log on.
I am getting desperate about wanting contact with people, there are moments when I feel panic inside me because I have no one to talk to. I was a vendor at a church craft show this weekend and for the 4 hours I was there I was ok but afterwards, when I was home, the panic and tears came back and I found myself casting about wildly for some way to ease the pain.
At this stage in my life I am backed into a corner, I have to somehow learn to self soothe and not by using substances. I don't drink anymore, use drugs, have indiscriminate sex, overeat, shop needlessly. Can't ever use medication for depression again. Can't get hooked on exercise so that is not an option. I just cry and cry and cry in this loneliness.
I had no clue that the ways I acted when I was growing up and the things I did as a supposed adult would land me here. Again and again. How am I going to fill my time up until it is time to die? Can I just start praying for death to come soon?
@LavenderCat65
I have responded to your post, and have asked you if you could please reply to me by messaging me. I am a listener here who would love to talk to you, and reach out to you. I have some different things to share with you. I'm not sure if you missed my last reply above? But I hope that you recieve this one. Thank you! and please feel free to message me.
Hello i just found this site and this thread. I am 56, depressed most of my life (since age 15) with various self treatments along the way, such as exercise. But the cycle of depression still continues. I have barely moved off the couch for the past few days. I feel compassion for your situation, and I hope that you can find some friends and companionship nearby to help you through this period.
@reliableBlueberry2228
Well Blueberry, friends, when you need them, are just not that easy to come by. In this day and age people are expected to carry their own weight, not to be a constant drag because they are depressed.
Everything that all the advice givers say to do I have already done, I just don't see the fruits of and I guess you don't either. But I see you have a husband and children, I don't even have that. To tell you the truth, I feel like almost every other person I read about who struggles with depression: I am tired of trying to fight something that is a part of who I am. I am tired and don't want to keep treading water anymore.
This site does not notify me of replies to my posts via email, they notify me double whenever someone messages me so I am going to have to turn that off. Actually, truth be told, this site is not very helpful for what I want. I want to talk to people, have them respond and react to what I say, not just compassionately 'listen'. I surely hope you feel better sweetie, I can't help and I wish I could.
@LavenderCat65
Hi I just saw this. Just to clarify, no kids although I do have a husband and he is very supportive, so I know I am lucky for that. Your comment really rung true wth me:
I am tired of trying to fight something that is a part of who I am. I am tired and don't want to keep treading water anymore.
What is both sad and in a way comforting about a site like this is that there are so many people in the same exact struggle. Ugh. I hate to even use that word. "'I've struggled with depression my whole life." I feel I am just labelling myself as a depressive when I say that. But it is true.
As for friends: I guess I have friends but I hate to talk to them about my depression. I don't like to share it with my siblings, or my husband, or my friends. I feel like a broken record: I'm depressed, I'm not functioning at my best. But on the other hand: when a friend opens up to me, I want to be helpful. It's the feeling of vulnerability that is hard to bear.
Anyway for what it is worth, I am enjoying just having the possibility of a conversation with other women (or men) who are older.
Mornings are really bad again, I feel as though I am constantly swimming upstream and I want to just stop and let the water take me.
Depression is cruel. You cannot wish it away. I survived the meds just to end up right back where I started except now, I lost 8 years of my life and cannot get it back.
@LavenderCat65 Hi Lavendar I know exactly how you feel. I feel that I have been depressed off and on since I was 15, and my depression has prevented me from doing so many things. I feel it gets in the way of my friendships, my personal goals. I find it makes me so self absorbed and solipsistic, like the whole world revolves around me. It makes me feel not quite real, like I am just a shadow drifting through time and space. But I try to counter with cognitive responses: it has not all been uniformly bad. I have many things to be grateful for. I try to talk back to the negativity and remind myself that this is episodic... sometimes I feel like crap but other times I pull out of it. It is discouraging that it keeps coming back like dog poo on my shoe, tracking along with me. But if there is a way you can re-frame it and talk back to the depression: weren't there things during those 8 years which were good, or even just ok? Also, there is no changing the past. I tell myself the same thing: try to stay in the present and plan for a happier tomorrow. All the stuff they talk about: gratitude journals, exercise, eating right, probiotics, cognitive therapy etc. I take meds too so I know that sometimes all the healthy choices in the world don't do anything for you... you still feel like crap... the meds seem to do nothing to help. But maybe you can find one small thing that makes you smile at least for a moment to counter the gloom. I am rooting for you, as a fellow middle aged woman!!