I have nothing to look forward to
I know the title sounds a bit dramatic but when you finish reading my post you will understand what kind of situation made me write this. I have too many problems in my life and I am tired of dealing with all this mess. I just don't have the resources or the means to solve my problems.
I am 25, male and I am from a third world country. I am from a poor family and I have multiple undiagnosed mental issues. I can't afford to see a good psychiatrist and tbh I don't believe they will be able to help me. Based on my internet research I think I have adhd and mild autism. Everywhere I go, people make fun of me and they hurt me because they enjoy feeling superior to a disabled person. I always had great difficulty socializing and making friends. I never had a true friend in my whole life. I had many fake friends who pretended to be my friend to get something out of me. My social issues are so bad that I don't even know how to do basic things that you have to do to survive in this world, like going to any office and asking for information, going to the police or hospital and so on. Despite my mental and social problems I somehow managed to get a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering with a shitty cgpa. I don't know where to go from here. So far it was somehow manageable because all I had to do was sit in a classroom. But now I have to get a job and I don't know how.
So far I have lived with my family as I have nowhere else to go. My father is abusive and he doesn't care about my mental issues. I am afraid I am going to be kicked out if I can't get hired. It's just not possible for someone like me to get a job like other people, I highly doubt that I will even make it past the job interview with my social skills. Even if I do, I won't be able to keep the job very long as I won't survive in the social games in the office environment and I am going to be treated like shit because of my mental issues. This is not a future I can look forward to, as I have very big goals in my life and I just don't see any point in living a life where I have to take shit from others everyday and work a 9 to 5 job to get absolutely nowhere. I will never be able to become rich or make any of my dreams come true.
I know I sound like lazy but please believe me I am not. I would give anything to have a functional brain and I would work hard to reach my goals. But I struggle so hard with basic human interaction that it's not possible for me to move forward anymore. I know some of you might give me advice to look into coding or online freelance work but those things are super competitive and I don't see how I am going to become rich by doing that kind of work.
I have been depressed for many years and even thought about suicide. It seems like there only two ways to go about this, end my life now or live a shitty life till I die. I don't know which one is better at this point. Please give me some advice.
I can relate to many things said here, in fact I think we are pretty similar. Only,i am a female and a bit older, I'm 34. I struggle to finish college and also contemplating should i even finish and which one exactly. I am also jobless and that's killing me. I would advice you to try to think and find some job which will maybe be even below your degree but feels at least a bit comfortable. So,think about a job that somehow feels COMFORTABLE according to all of your issues. And to have that job for a while. With that money you can maybe find some solutions for your mental issues and get better,improve your social skills maybe. Then go for a better job. Or go for the job you would want rn and just give it a try,give it a try at interview. You never know.
