I hurt.
I've been hurting for pretty much as long as I can remember. It always seems like there is just a black cloud of depression surrounding me that makes it impossible to see any sort of light or good thing ahead. Between kicked out of each of my parents at different points in my life and being sexually abused by my step brother, I've never really had the ability to trust anyone. It wasn't until just recently that I sought out help and even then nothing seems to help, I just feel like I'm wasting peoples time when I try to talk to them. I'm 21 now and I feel like I am going no where. Like I'm just stuck. But I'm sad every day I wake up hurting and I go to sleep thinking about some sort of better life but only end up falling asleep to tears. Now all I do is keep a smile on so no one can ask what's wrong with me. But I think that's the most lonely part of all.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. It sucks you were kicked out of your parents' places. It sucks that you were sexually abused. And it sucks that you feel you have to keep a smile on your face. If any of those things happened to me, I'd be angry and hurt.
I wish I had some piece of magic advice to give to you to erase what happened to you. Like some kind of huge bottle of white-out that could paint over those chapters of your life. It's hard to create happy memories when you're feeling this desolate and alone.
Maybe, for now, you can take solace in the fact that you're not the only one who hurts.