I just dunno what to do anymore. I am a horrible mess.
I am a guy 37, 5'11" and 480 last time I got weighed a few weeks ago, before that about 4 months ago I was around 430, a few months before that I was around 460. I never been under 400 in my life.
I started gaining when I was 6 years old. I eat pretty healthy, Yesterday I had two slices of toast for breakfast for lunch/dinner I had 2 chicken legs baked with some rice and corn. 5 years ago I was walking 6 miles a day 5 days a week for 2 years and eating under 1500 cals a day and still didn't lose weight. I had my thyroid checked and I have a low thyroid but thyroid meds don't help even with my thyroid being normal levels now.
Past 8 years I have spent 8 years in the dating scene trying to find a woman to date and settle down with. Past 8 years I have been rejected around 4000 times and told I am ugly, disgusting, worthless, useless, told I have nothing to offer a woman or give a woman, mocked at laughed at, told I don't deserve love or a relationship, told I needed to end my life for being so fat and lazy.
Past 8 years I have been lead on by 22 women who pretended to love and want me and lead me on for 3 months or more sweet talking me telling me they love me and making plans for us then would fake their death or call me while having sex with someone or would disappear on me to never be heard from again. I made a post on a dating forum and have had 12 replies today and 12 rejections today ontop of it.
I just dunno what to do anymore about anything. I tried for surgery but my insurance is strict and they denied me all 7 times. I don't have diabetes or history with gout or have sleep apnea or even high blood pressure that is uncontrolled by meds or even a fatty liver. all of which my insurance requires
I have to pay for the surgery. I just dunno what to do anymore. I am so alone and so lonely, feeling like I am a complete monster who doesn't deserve to live because of my weight and the way I am treated by people especially women in the dating scene. I went to the ATT store last week and the woman behind the counter wouldn't even look me in the face she kept looking away and was in a hurry to hurry up and get me out of the store. she was so rude I ended up reporting her to the boss told them how she was doing me.
I just can't take anymore being treated as if I am some kind of monster and no matter what I do I can't lose weight. it is just a lose lose and it is driving my depression out the wall. I don't even leave my apartment anymore because of it. I even have two women who are a couple living across from me when I see them outside as I go out, I say hi and they just ignore me. and I never done anything to them, maybe they just hate guys in general idk. I just dunno what to do though.
My psychiatrist refuses to give me depressant meds because they will just cause weight gain and she knows how depressed I am because of my weight. it is just a losing battle. All day today I just slept and when I didn't sleep I was wide awake staring at the ceiling forcing tears back because I can just easily start crying and if I do I won't be able to stop it. And this loneliness not being able to find anyone who would give me a chance get to know me for who I am and see how we click is really killing me.
I look myself in the mirror and all I can think is how ugly and disgusting I am and end up hating myself because of how I am treated by everyone. How could I love myself when no one else wants to? how can I take it easy on myself when no one else does? how can I learn to love myself when I am treated and taught how to hate me.
@lon3lysoul81 I'm so sorry you're suffering. You're not alone, and you're not a monster. People sometimes just don't know what to say. (And sometimes they are jerks, but that's not your fault.)
I have to say, your psychiatrist not giving you meds because of weight gain made me think, What the....? I'd get a new psychiatrist. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. While we aren't allowed to give medicine names on here, there IS a depression medicine that is associated with moderate weight loss. That a psychiatrist wouldn't know that is astounding! It's a dopamine uptake inhibitor, rather than SSRI.
@lon3lysoul81
I hope it's ok that i say hello here. I just wanted to say that I think you are brave and strong for reaching out. It is an uphill battle, i think. And it is made harder bc it must be done when we arent feeling our best. Losing this weight, being outside, subjecting myself to people's looks and comments is going to be one of the tougher things i've ever done. Somehow i have to find the strength to put on blinders and push thru. and i have to find my own grace while doing so and work on extending it to others. but first things first i just need to work on exercise and diet.
I think it's a good idea to look into a dr that can prescribe you a non-weight gaining antidepressant if you want one. i'm on an anti-anxiety and may go back on my antidepressant for fall/winter.
It sounds like you did the right things and i dont know why the weight didnt drop last time. Maybe talk to a nutrionist? i've been to a nutrionist but i didnt follow thru. and i think its a crazy that you must have more health problems than you do to qualify for a surgery. but there can be complications with the surgeries too, so maybe its a blessing in disguise. i've been considering making an appt at a bariatric clinic and going on diet pills. im on the fence. i guess i fear that they might hurt my heart which is kinda ridiculous considering my existing factors.
anyway, i hope this fall and winter finds us both achieving goals. its so hard to stay focused when life knocks you down but for what it's worth i think you are giving it a good go. rejection isnt easy for anyone i dont think. i cringe at the thought of rejection and may sense its presence when it's not even there. it's just this whole mindset thing, ya know? what does your counselor say when you tell her about things like the ATT store, the neighbors or the dating site?
I do think that happiness can be found for people like us. maybe it's along the way, in the journey. i do know i'd be a lot happier if i were thinner, if i did more things and didnt stay on the sidelines of life. getting "off the bench" is going to take all ive got. if you need a friend to commiserate with i'll be around. take care.
@lon3lysoul81
Before I start giving my perspective in your situation, I want to let you know you are a beautiful individual who is not a monster or alone. Sure, you may not have much people to count on, but your biggest support is you. YOU are a champion and YOU will overcome your struggles. Plus, you have support here at 7cupsoftea.
I can't be much help on the dating scene part since I'm pretty young, however, for someone who's had an eating disorder, I can tell you something. I may have never been overweight but I feel really connected with a lot of your struggles. First off, when I went to an eating disorders program over the summer, they told us about how eating disorder is usually like a monster in your brain. One side of your brain has your concious which tells you the truth. The other has the eating disorder. Eating disorders is not just wanting to be skinny like everyone thinks. It's mental, emotional, and physical. Have you ever thought that possibly people are not looking at you in disgust? Maybe, it is sometimes what you percieve something is like because you think in that way yourself. I know that you probably think I'm wrong, but I've had many friends who have been extremely overweight. I've never been disgusted because they weigh more, and this is coming from someone who has had an eating disorder. I've never been overweight, yet there have been times that people who are/were my friends told me things that made me feel I was plump but when I told some of my friends with the concerns with my weight, they reassured me I was not the way I thought of myself. It is true. I looked at myself in a photo and I was average. I admit, there are several times in the week where I look in the mirror and utterly disgusted with how I look. Especially that there are many people my age who are extremely skinny and bony and make me feel chubby in comparsion. I think you should talk with a nutritionist because 1500 calorie is a bit extreme. Especially since you were walking 6 miles back then. I thought people had to eat 1000 calories a day. Since I did not know how to do a proper diet, I tried to do a 500 calorie diet, and it got me to an endless cycle of binging and overexcerising. However, the program taught me that a regular person who does not excerise must eat 2,000 calories a day! Did you know you were walking more than the average person? People say you have to take 10,000 steps daily. 10,000 steps equal to 5 miles. Most people have office jobs and just do 2,000 steps, however, you were doing 6 MILES and eating 1,500 calories which might lead to why you began to overeat more. Since I struggle with body image as well, I try to keep myself occupied. If you have time, maybe try some volunteer work, or get involved in church if you go. Trust me, it will help distract you and maybe help you find a passion. I know it may make you feel uncomfortable but you have to go through it. I never want to go to school because I get bad anxiety but after I do, I feel amazing. I even joined some clubs and cross country. It helps me feel less lonely and more connected with people. Besides, maybe you can meet someone that way. Especially when someone meets you, there are less likely to judge you. You could possibly even become so close to date.
I hope I did not trigger you. You deserve happiness, and other people's thoughts are just thoughts. THEY DO NOT DEFINE YOU nor does your weight. You are a human with feelings, personality, and spirit under that body.