I just want to rest
Hi, I’m a 19 year old female who has been living with depression as long as I could remember.
My self harm started at the age of 7. I always felt some kind of dysphoria about my being, like I’m trapped in my body. I started self harming without knowledge, just knowing that I helped me venting my unease.
When I was nine, my mother tried for a double suicide with me because I lied to her. I think she had some undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I already had some suicidal ideation at that point but that incident made me think that no one cared about me and that even my parents would want me dead if I failed them.
After that, my life has been a mess of depression, self harming, suicidal urges and attempt. It all got worse when I began to realise that I’m a lesbian, because my parents are really homophobic.
No one knew about my struggle, even when I attempted suicide at the age of 14. Nobody even noticed.
But eventually my mother discovered my scars and I have been seeing a therapist for four months now. I’ve been taking Prozac as medication.
But I’m still not okay. It’s not getting better.
Hey
Im so so sorry to hear that you are going through this.
Unfortunately your post deeply resonates with me.
I have depression also since a very young age, which I think really affects how we navigate the world.
The fundamental years of development and trying to find yourself are already difficult, and with depression it just becomes more and more confusing and overwhelming.
Specially with everything that happened with your family.
Being depressed throughout your childhood until your young adult years is very rough, is all that you know, so everything associated with depression settles in within you in such a way that makes it harder to get better.
I won’t lie to you, it may take a while for you to get better.
But I know deep inside my heart that no matter how tiring and overwhelming life can get, it is worth living.
All that you are feeling is valid, and you are being heard!
You are not alone and I would give everything to hug you and tell you that things will get better!
I advise you to talk with your doctor about how you are feeling and about the medication.
It can take a few tries before an antidepressant clicks with you but once it does you’ll see that breathing becomes easier.
You are so strong, and have gone through so much! You owe it to yourself to stick around to see you get better.
Sending lots of love and strength your way!