I'm In a Dark Place

Hi, guys. I was hoping to find some people that I could talk to. On the outside, things look really pretty with me and my family; people see us as attractive and talented and all of the rest. But, I've been struggling most severely lately with the details of my life. I'm 38 [I'll be 39 on New Year's Day] and I was born to two teenagers; my mother didn't turn 16 until a month after I was born, and my father was 18. I've always been a rather sensitive and compassionate person -- perhaps, I feel things more intensely than some. Which, I think, is the reason it has impacted me so heavily that my mother has never seemed to want a relationship with me. When I was younger, she'd prefer her friends over me and, eventually, her older, alcoholic boyfriend; with whom she'd abandoned my stepfather for. I watched her commit adultery, smoke marijuana, drink alcohol for many years -- the ripping apart of her marriage and the neglect that I always felt really did break my heart. I suppose that I could have gotten over it by now but, she still prefers other people over me. Now, it's her mother and her siblings that come first; even, on holidays, her own children [including myself and her grandchildren] are an afterthought. This year, I've resolved not to expect anything. Not even a call on my birthday -- I've spent many, many years without her acknowledging my birthday. I don't even know if she's ever bought me a present. The thing is, she always acts like everything is okay and she never apologizes for anything -- not even all the hurt she caused me growing up. I wonder why I was born for all of the grief that I feel so often.

The other day, my husband and I celebrated almost 20 years of marriage. He's was the first beam of light in my life as a young adult. He's a good man, and we have three gorgeous children [10 and under]. But, some things have happened in our lives that have broken him and he's been emotionally sick. Sometimes, I don't think well of him because I wish he were stronger; I've resented encouraging him so often when I need a helping hand, too. With our last child, I experienced a life threatening condition. And, although, I'm okay, I don't always feel so well. But, I push on... I homeschool, I take great care of our children, and I TRY to find time to create art (I'm a fine artist). But, the truth is, I'm pretty bummed about having felt rejected / neglected by my mother all of these years, I've never had a relationship with a relative and so that lack of experience has caused me to make a lot of mistakes with people that I regret and feel pain over, I haven't slept well in ten years, I feel overwhelmed and overworked around the clock, and I'm deeply discouraged about the struggle I'm having with losing weight. I can't really exercise yet like I did before I spent a few days admitted into the hospital when I was ill.

I'm just... so sad so often. I feel like I don't know why I was even born if no one likes me or wants me [at least, outside of my household]. I feel like I was only saved alive to continue to care for my husband and our children. And, no matter how talented an artist people seem to think that I am, I really don't matter for any good reason other than to clean and cook and teach and help. The real me -- the me that I want to be -- might never be. That hurts very badly.