I'm depressed.

Feeling pretty good today, woke up at 12pm, which is the earliest I've woken up in a while.

I think I may be in love, I'm unsure. When this guy said the other week "I kind of wove you" and got all embarassed, I was fine with it, made me feel all nice and such, and then the day before he took me to Brighton, he said "I do love you" and again, all embarassed, but... I think I feel the same way. We've only had 2 proper dates but we talk all the time on whatsapp, he'll message me every morning, send me pictures of his adventures etc, and ask how I am and its ... wonderful. I think I feel the same because... I'd say it to him, I'd have no problem saying it to him but we've not done the deed yet, or spent a night together... but we're very understanding of each other, which is pretty amazing.

He calls me on the way home from work every day too, which makes me go all, like, talking about it I'm tearing up a little haha, its just nice to have this in my life.

I've been thinking about the friend I fell out with less and less, but its still there, I think honestly... If we had a sit down and talked then it'd all be fine, coz we could get a better understanding of each other.

I've been doing a little bit more gaming recently which has been taking my mind off of things, and I'm going to buy a Playstation 4 Pro in a while because Crash Bandicoot was released today and I really want to play it haha.

Things are getting better :D thanks for listening / reading :)

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Unsure how I'm feeling today, I woke up around 12, stayed in bed until maybe 1:30, was watching youtube.

The bf said some days back, if he doesn't end up staying over night at a wedding on Saturday, then we'll go to China Town on Sunday (today) and so, he was staying, then at 11:30 last night tells me he's gonna call at 12, he decided not to stay so...

We spoke on the phone for maybe 2 and a half hours, while he was driving back, and then when he got in family guy was on TV so we both talked over phone and watched family guy, I did say to him if he still wanted to go China Town for lunch / dinner then we can, but he said he's gonna stay in and relax, or he may go to some racing place, I mean... sure, I'm a little disappointed but I'm still ill, so... guess its better that we didn't go coz I'm going to want to kiss him and I don't want to make him ill, but China Town would have been great.

So today, I decided to email that friend, infact I only just got done emailing, I told him that I don't have a problem, I said there's things I'd like to address but only wanted him to know that I had no idea about his physical contact issues until that night we fell out, and that I'd like to talk normally again etc etc, I wanted to keep it short... I guess with his other issues, I'm unsure how he'll react, he may turn nasty, he may be ok, so I'll probably update this later on...

So my email didn't go so well, he replied saying he can't have me as a friend and that what I did was wrong, I know that it wasn't wrong what I did... I think he's a bit of a drama queen in all fairness.

He makes it sound like I sexually abused him and all I did was rub his arm, he's not worth the hassle and... Well I feel better.

Feeling pretty happy at the moment, which is great :D

Today I'm feeling a bit upset. I got up early and called the doctors and had an appointment early, been feeling ill for some weeks now and its a shame because I'm unable to kiss the bf or whatever.

I re-read that email and its making me angry, I feel as if I need to get it off my chest and want to respond or message his older brother, I told him in the email that I swear on my nephews life I had no idea about his physical contact issues and he responded, like a preacher telling me how I shouldn't swear on my nephews life, thats its wrong, and what I did to him was wrong, he said that he's passed on info to his therapist and that the therapist told him to report me or whatever, I'm annoyed.

And then a friend who I was discussing the bf with, says that the bf is never going to put me first if he's in the closet, and that I'll only be important if he hasn't got to be viewed as a certain way or whatever, I guess this is whats upset me...

I just feel a bit fed up at the moment :(

Just got back from the doctors after having a blood test. I've been physically sick for about 3 months because of the mess with the friend I fell out with. He told me in that email on Sunday that he was returning to his brothers on Monday, and then my sister said she saw him Tuesday night in a super market with his mother. I guess there's a possibility that his mother was driving him to his brothers and stopped on the way?

The boyfriend (safe to call him that now) said the other night again, that he loves me and I feel the same way, we had fun the other night chatting over whatsapp, translating things into japanese and sending it back and forth, it was nice. He makes me feel so wonderful inside and I want this cold or whatever I have to go so that I can enjoy the weekend with him.

Yesterday was quite a bad day for me, as I mentioned above, that guy was about, but it got me angry and I feel like messaging his brother but unsure if that would help me feel better or not. Friends say I should forget about the whole situation, none of my friends were close to him like I was so its still a little difficult, though its less difficult now after reading the disgusting email he sent back.
He said in the email he will never be returning, so I guess that if he does return, then its his own fault if things get problematic.

Feeling alright now I suppose, I kind of want snacks and junk food haha

Woah, been more than a week since I posted. Think I need to call the doctors at some point and find out if anything came back from the blood test, also Saturday was pretty damn nice. My boyfriend said about going out and getting food, but I thought he wouldn't coz when he got back, he had sent pics of some food that he had so I thought "eh, he's had dinner" but then he said he'd pick me up at 6 and, I had such a good time. He drove to nearby The Tower Of London and he bought some caramlised Almonds and we walked along the thames until we reached a dead end, on the way back to the car we went in a pub and got a drink. I told him that I knew of someone he knows, and he joked around about how I could tell her he's gay and ruin his life or whatever. He also said he loved me and it was nice to hear that in person, he said it twice actually, and I have told him I love him too now which is really nice. After that, he drove us to China Town and we drove through crowds of Pride go'ers. Was too busy, we were going to go to a restaurent but with Pride being busy we ended up in a Five Guys, he bought me a drink and a hot dog, and himself a drink and a burger, then on the way home in the car we had a nice long chat and I sat with my hand on his thigh as he were driving. Before getting out of the car I gave him a peck on the lips twice, and the 2nd time I kinda put my hands around the back of his head and brought it in close for that physical contact.

Life feels nice at the moment, currently I'm up early because my sisters friend is coming to cut my hair soon, but I need more sleep, just feel tired haha, I also started uploading things to my facebook page to see if anyone is interested in some design work if they come across it, but need more things to upload :D

I understand.

thanks @ambitiousTalker2046

Recently I had another dream about the friend I fell out with, and then a few nights ago I was dragged into a conversation over messenger that he was in, he was talking normally until I politely declined a request from someone else, and he said "oh god" and left, I'm tempted to reply to his email, but I worry that the truth may hurt him a little and with him being bipilar and his autism / depression, he may spiral out of control again, but I really want him to know what I think of him, I want to hurt him a little, he's hurt me maybe 4/5 times now and I've been nothing but nice since we fell out.

Another friend of mine, we had a very weird situation, I sent him a picture of a logo I made, that a friend photoshopped my butt into the background, its a funny pic, and looks like its from an official game, and he got so offended and weird about it to a point that he said "I need to calm down" like... the butt isn't noticable and its a hilarious pic. He calmed down, and then a few days later we were chatting and I told him he's cool, told him why, and I thought it sounded like I fancied him, I don't... I said "yea when I saw that pic of you, I thought not for me" and he was fine, and I wake up at 4am to messages from him saying that not everyones confident, and that he didn't appreciate it and can't be friends coz he needs positive people in his life, he told me there was much more to my words but I won't tell him... I told him the words "nah not for me" was a bit of banter / assuring him that I don't fancy him or think of him that way, and that I thought I got a good friend etc etc, anyway... that ended up with him apologizing to me, he told me that he had a situation some weeks back, and doesn't feel attractive and he logged into grindr and the pic I mentioned was his profile pic, he said in a voice clip "I'm sorry about earlier, I'm really sorry" and he sounded sincere, like... we had a really nice chat about his situation from a few weeks back, and I haven't heard from him since that morning, I hope he's doing alright.

The boyfriend, things seem to be going good with him, he's away in Sweden at the moment for work, with a work mate who is going out with some girl I know from my childhood, he's told me he misses me and I can't wait to see him again :D I miss my boyfriend haha

So lets see, here's a bit of an update.

I had an amazing weekend some weeks back, me and the boyfriend went to Camdem Market, which was a lovely day, and then the following Friday he came over and we cuddled and did a few things on the sofa, kissed and said we love each other, it felt pretty perfect haha, yesterday we went to the Zoo which was nice and I paid because, he's always paying and I wanted to pay for once! haha.

The other situation with the friend, its long forgotten but... I can't help myself with it, its frustrating, I want to email him back saying stuff like "I don't understand why you're so convinced that I knew about your physical contact, or you're lying about it so it gives you an excuse to be awful to me, wheres your proof? you've bullshitted about this, that and the other" its so frustrating... I've been fine, and Iunno why this is bothering me still, I don't want him as a friend, but I do want to call him out on his BS (btw, edit this post if swearing is innapropriate)

I keep wanting to bump into his so that I have the excuse to message his brother and say "why the hell is he in Essex / Southend? yet another lie of his" or whatever, I've had the same dream over, I mean... they're in different scenarios but in each dream I ask him the same thing... "why're you so convinced that I knew?"

I don't hate him, I feel like I've been wronged by him and have no closure for it I guess... ugh