I'm in limbo

I feel really lost at the minute.

My depression has got so much worse in the last week or so. I've had suicidal thoughts most days, and I went through a thing of cutting multiple times a day. I feel so bad. My gf has to deal with my problems every day. She has to see the scars, the fresh cuts, the words I've got on my legs that aren't gonna fade for a long time. Goddammit I've still got "LEAVE ME ALONE" on my legs and that's been there for months... I feel like I'm insane sometimes. It's like I've got this dark voice in my head that's always telling me to do bad things. It's always telling me that I should cut instead of looking after myself, and that I'm not good enough and I'm better off dead. And I can't help but hate myself- after all I'm in the wrong body and I can't get gender therapy for months. And even then it's way more than I can afford. I don't know how to keep myself sane anymore. It's like my little hopeful voice has been locked away and it's being taunted and silenced by the dark voice. And it doesn't help that I'm basically homeless at the minute. My mums letting me live with her for now, but long term I've got nowhere to go. I can't go back to my dads, he scares me and he takes his problems out on me. I know I'm not good enough and I don't do things right but I'm tryin. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.