I'm judgmental towards other people and even more towards myself and that's why I can't love myself.
When I see how my favorite artist recovered it makes me so happy that he recovered and I feel like I will too one day. But when I see what he was like before he started recovery I just feel so miserable. I feel miserable for admiring him because he goes against everything I stand for, but at the same time I myself go against my own beliefs. And it just kills me how imperfect people are. Especially me. And when I see it in other people, it either gives me hope that I'm not the only one, or makes me suicidal because of how many people are in the same or in a lot worse situation than me. And seeing that kind of people, sometimes with judgment and sometimes with acceptance. I just don't know which is better or worse. Judging them for being on drugs and drinking or accepting them as people who make mistakes? It's kind of similar to people who are abusers. Should I judge and hate them? Or should I accept and try to help them because they are humans too?
How much imperfection is acceptable?
Is a person who tried alcohol and gets regularly drunk and enjoys it worse than one who wants to quit? Should we judge just the first person or both? Or should we accept both? If it wasn't an alcohol addiction, but an abuser, would the answer be the same?
If I did something that other's wouldn't even find that bad, but it goes against my own beliefs(I did it as I was very very depressed and suicidal at that time), should I still judge myself and hate myself? Or if it's socially acceptable, I should accept it, too?
How can I stop hating myself for doing something that I really really regret? Will it just go away?
@WhiteBearClub
We will all have different perspectives on what is deemed right and wrong behaviour. Society is an extremely judgemental place and we are conditioned to judge from a very young age however we do not always have to be like this. It is a difficult but rewarding journey of learning to accept yourself but it is truly amazing when you reach a state of self-acceptance.
Why are you so hard on yourself for feeling suicidal? To me it just sounds like you've been trying to be strong for so long and are battling. You sound like an incredibly strong willed person and feelings of wanting to harm yourself must be so difficult and upsetting for you. When did these start?
With regards to judging others, I don't think any of us should judge... of course we do but it is when we accept ourselves that we can accept others more for their flaws. We may also see the beauty in these flaws too and again learn to love ourselves and others just a little bit more each day.
I find it helpful to find 3 things I'm grateful for each day. It really boosts positivity and induces feel good feelings :)
Lisa
@OceanCounselling
Thank you for thinking I'm strong. <3 And I sometimes think I'm strong, too, but other times I just feel like I'm the weakest person because of little and stupid things that trigger my suicidal thoughts. I'm a really sensitive person, so I guess that's just who I am. When did my suicidal thoughts start? Well, maybe around February last year? And it grew until summer when I had my first(and hopefully last) suicide attempt...
So you think we shouldn't at all judge anyone? I feel like that would be the best thing, but sometimes when I see the news talking about terrorists or murderers or domestic abusers, and everyone else judges them, for a very good reason! how can I not judge them too? Maybe it's because we never know the whole story of the person and don't see the whole picture. Maybe if we did we would judge them less and help the abuser as much as we help the abused? I think that in such situations, we should help both sides, because I believe that nobody is born evil, so why can't we just help the ones who have turned evil and prevent it for the future? I think if someone feels judged and if others see them as monsters, they will be more likely to feel like monsters? I am thinking a lot about it lately because I have so many people around me who are my friends or family members and love me and care for me, but there are times when they manipulate or emotionally abuse me. But I know their stories and I know why they are the way they are. So does for example a not very happy childhood and depression justify my best friend yelling at me when I do something wrong and manipulating me to the degree that I tried to end my friendship with her a few times? Again, I am a sensitive person, but I think not many people would have stayed around her for this long. Or does one of my family members mental illness justify him yelling at me, threatening me and talking to me like I am inferior to him?
About the 3 things I am thankful for - I do them on the growth path, and it is helpful, but that's all it is. It will change how I see my every day life, but it won't make the world a better place... Of course, I'm asking for too much...
You're a strong person I can tell and murderers etc is a very different way of putting it and I hear what you're saying :)
Feel free to send me a message. I'd like to chat with you if you're open to it.
Lisa
