I'm lost

This is my first and last post. Hi I'm 19 years old and a college student.

All my life I felt like I grew up alone. Whenever I hear the word, "Family", it's like a taboo topic to me. When I see real loving families, it makes me feel like it's another world. When my friends' parents treat me well, it makes me feel like I finally want to cry and burst. My mother died and my father gave me away. People called me by my dead mother's name, I then put on this mask that says I'm unaffected. My new mother hates me, she wants to change every part of me. She's emotionally and physically abusive but she's good at putting a front with others so no one knows or questions her. Even her relative sexually harassed me when I was a child. At school, I got bullied. I never told anyone my emotions or problems, I just deal with it and forget. I hid my feelings, feelings are disgusting to me. Everyone thinks I'm happy, my friends think I'm happy but I know I'm not. I think I'm close to getting crazy because I'm just laughing at this. Laughing at everything, it's so funny to me. I bottled up all these feelings for 14 years. I tried telling someone but I ended up not being able to breathe, it's like I'm going to explode. I think it reached to a point that I won't be able to tell anyone anymore without it breaking me to pieces. I can't bear it anymore, it hurts. After all this years, I acknowledged that it all hurts so much. I don't think I'm capable of receiving or giving love anymore.