I'm never beating this. It wasn't meant to be.
*TRIGGER WARNING* Suicide
Lonliness, fake friends here, fake friends there, anxiety, it's all too fucking much. I was never getting out of this without killing myself.
[Edited by Forum Mentor @RaCat to put TW]
@carefulDime2301
I once thought the only way out was taking my own life. The loniness and fake people are killing me or wanting me to kill myself. Please understand that killing yourself is not the answer. I wish I knew what the correct answer is, but I know that is not. I am not sure what helps and what sets me back, but I do know I am tired of being the door mat for every one else. hope you respond to me, becasue the one thing I have not lost in my battle is being able to see there is good in people yet and there is good in you left for the world to see.
@bestPeach7500
Sorry, there's nothing left inside of me. I'm literally just counting down the days till I have enough pills to overdose.
@carefulDime2301
I have not been on this site for some time as I am not sure it is helping me or hurting me. I just was circling back and realized that in my time of lowness I forgot the struggles of others. Careful dime2301. please check in with me. I will be checking each day until I hear from you again. Taking your own life is not the answer. there is plenty of good still in this world and it will take the ones like you and I and all the others that have went through self adversity to show the world we can make it. Please check in with me and let me know you are still blessing this world with you being alive on it.
@bestPeach7500 Does anyone else experience this almost fake sense of hope that feels like it's leftover from youthful characters like santa etc. and even aspects of christianity? I don't know what I believe but the sense of comfort I get from religion and spirituality feels almost childish, sort of like I'm giving in and admitting "yes, I believe and I feel hopeful" but it's just like a subconscious reaction, like thanking God or asking God for something.
@iamnotnjs
I feel a fake sense of hope a lot. Like some one will finally see the real me and realize that I am a good person, and then it changes in a minute the moment I stop doing something for them. I turn to god like I was taught as a kid and then feel bad like I am bothering him just like I bother everyone else, like he has more important things to worry about than my small petty self esteem and self worth issues. But I keep having hope and faith that he will one day show my why I had to struggle for so long. I dont ask for much just to help me feel happiness and joy once again and be at peace with who I am instead of feeling I am not worthy of any happiness and love. I know he knows I am a good person making some bad choices right now and I think he is letting me to help me be stronger. I am not a devote or over religious person, but I am a beliver in a higher power that lets us have just what we can handle to show us how strong we really are.
@bestPeach7500
Hi best Peach,
You make me cry and make me sad because it reminds me of how I felt only a couple of days ago. I had a horrible break up happen and was dumped suddenly and by text. I was heartbroken and baffled. I felt like my chest had been hit by a car. I started doing anything to feel good. Running, reading break up books, etc. I started journaling.
Well a month later I found out a more horrible realization that why he dumped me so suddenly was that he had cheated on me with his ex and was making plans to get back with her. I suddenly lost it. I felt God hated me. I drank, took some pills and smoked (which I never do), and the combination sent me over the edge. I was not trying to actually kill myself, I just wanted to kill out the overwhelming pain.
But I shouted to God to kill me and that I wanted to die. Worse things happened. I got in my head due to all the pills and alcohol and drugs I took that I would give him back his engagement ring, tell him off, and then win him back from his ex. Completley crazy thoughts in my head. Long story short, I did call him an a#@$hole, hand him the ring back and tell him I knew he had hooked up with his ex. Then like a crazy woman I begged him to let me in to "talk." My next step was to tell him what a stupid mistake he made and that he belonged to me.
Well, he slammed the door in my face, called the cops and told them I threatened him (which I didn't) and told them I was emotionally unstable (I guess true at the moment). I then began to beg and bang on his door repeatedly. Long story short I was arrested. It was probably one of the lowest, most horrible points in my life. I almost lost my career, reputation, sanity, and life. Driving in my condition could have cost me. Charges against me that were made could have cost me everything.
I short, I almost got my wish to die. But being in that cell room all alone all night and day was like hell.
These affirmations I'm going to give you here I believe saved my life. Though I had written them before all this went down, I believe God hear me. By the grace of God all charges were dropped and the cop that arrested me was fired. I didn't lose my career. God saved me. Here is what I wrote days before:
"You are loved and cherised by God. Those that love you will see your light. You will not die, because God has chosen you. You are loved."
"If a person truly loves you, he will show patience, kindness, compassion, love, and loyalty. You cannot lose true love."
"Your heart shines and glows like a precious light. Those who love you will not fear you."
I hope some of this resonates and lets you know that you are worthy to be here in this world and God wants you here. No matter your beliefs or religion, etc. You are here, because you are loved, needed, wanted, and you belong.
I know suicide is not the answer, because in my view I believe it will take you to a much worse place.
Love you and praying for you and sending you hugs. And I'm still extremely depressed, but I am determined to take the baby steps one day at a time that are needed to get myself out of this. Remember that "Rome was not built in a day." I know it's a corny, over-used cliche, but it has been resonating for me when I take 2 steps forward, than 1 step back.
Hugs,
ScarlettRose
@ScarlettRose073 I'm really sorry about you going through all that, but I am definitely extremely glad that you're holding on strong and you've made a choice to carry on! You're very brave and that's a wonderful quality. Thanks for sharing your story with us to inspire us! :')
@ScarlettRose073
As I have said in the past couple post I have not been on here in a long while and today for some reason I felt drawn back to seven cups. Part of me says becasue I need help and a larger part of me says I need to help someone else. I am still lost and not sure of who I am. My ex wife took so much from me that it hurts and then the rest of all the fake people that I thought were people I knew soem including my family place all the blame on me becasue I hid my pain for 14 years. Well I no longer want to be the victim of life I want to be the kind, compasionate caring person tha I know I can be and that I know helps me feel good about myself as a person. I seek spurital help from time to time and part of me thinsk I have gotten to far away from that and I am trying to let all of that back into my life. I hope all os well with you and that you realize that the BF that broke up with you to get back with his ex is not worth your time. There will be the right one for you and it will all feel so great, just make sure you take some time to heal yourself and really make sure you are past the feelings of low. have a great day.
@carefulDime2301
I hear ya Dime, but if I may say, its very hard to find true friends, its not just you are finding it hard, most people find it hard as well, its not personal, sadly, we make tens, hundreds of friends, most are fake and we get lucky if we can find 3-6 true friends, finding true friends takes time, however, statistically speaking, most people do find true friends in their lives, stay strong, be who you are, and the right people will come your way
@carefulDime2301 I am sorry that I am replying you only now. From your main thread and replies I can see that you are dealing with a lot these days. I believe that it can be very hard to manage all the emotions and also deal with people who are just faking to be your friends. You didn't deserve to be threated like that and when you are in situation like this, it's understandable that you can see suicide as the option to run away. But the truth is that suicide is not an option and it's not solving the problem. You can always go and kill yourself but why to do it without trying another things, another ways?
I don't know what is your situation at the moment but since 7Cups is not a place that can help people who are actively suicide, I really encourage you to seek professional help and contact suicide hotline. You can do it now or at leat do it before making that step, before killing yourself. Here (press) you can find list of international suicide hotlines and I really hope you will decide to use it 
@carefulDime2301
I hope you're not in a part of the world that doesn't offer assistance with SSRI type meds because that's what stopped me from wanting to not exist. I feel I was dangerously low on active serotonin and needed the med to control the valve making it reuptake so whatever low amount of serotonin I had would remain active for long enough for me to feel anything remotely close to good. Now I take enough vitamin D3 from both food/suppliments and from sunlight to feel better. In your case it could be a different sort of med that could help. It's very hard to see anyone being genuine towards you when so depressed that it causes every thought you have to be ultra negative. This is what lack of serotonin or other necessary active chemistry does to brains. You'll only know how much better it can get by not giving up on life and reaching for the help that's there. It's not easy to see that there are people who really do care because depression makes it seem so dark that you can't see their outstretched hands.
I understand what you're going through. I am so sorry for that! I know that's all so overwhelming and it feels like you can't take it anymore but see it's not the end! and you're not alone in this, I know many people are like you who are going through all this! And I am proud of you that you've been this strong all this time and I hope things works out for you soon!
And if you want to talk about it with me, you can pm me anytime!
I can see you're trying your best to reach out for help, which is why you're here on 7 Cups, and that means a lot because it means you're trying to reach out and get resources to help you. We're here for you 24/7 on 7 cups and there are a lot of resources out there in the real life as well. Things may seem to be hopeless at first but sometime we just choose to see what we wanna see...I hope you do keep up with reaching out and looking for resources to help you get through this...:(, Please do connect with our listener when you're feeling better to chat.