I ned help, I'm suffering from Self-Destructive thoughts, Depression
Please read the entire event, and please give some views. 2 years back I was in relationship with a girl in college. But she misbehaved with me and hurt me by her behaviour, so I simply said to her that we will not talk from today onwards, We did not fight but simply stopped talking. After a few months we somehow became friends, but this time it was platonic friendship, I didn't have any romantic feelings for any one. All these events happened in year 2012 during college, fast forward to 2015 I came to a new place I was preparing for an entrance exam, I had to come far away from home and didn't really made any new friends also I was not having any family support they were busy criticizing me. But I had 1 friend(that girl) who was very supportive to me as a friend, in a few days I developed deep love for her while forgetting all previous misbehaviour of her, but I didn't say anything to her because I could not effect my career at that critical stage.
It is difficult to know how to answer this. In your title you mention needing help, your thoughts and depression, but in the rest of the post you do not mention help, thoughts or depression at all. Perhaps if you chat with a listener here the connections between these things will become clearer. If you would like to chat with me, feel free to send me a message.
@gorgeousnintelligent
I've mentioned the entire event below, i hope you can help.
@RarelyCharlie
I'm sorry the previous post was incomplete, I'm writing the entire thing now-
I feel like a loser :(
Read my story-
In 2012 I was in relationship with a girl, initially everything was great between us, but than she misbehaved with me few times and I was only getting hurt by being with her, so I told her, we won't be talking from today onwards, we did not fight,but simply stopped talking. I felt greatly relieved after the end of this relationship, I made many new friends, enjoyed my life to the fullest.
But in 2013, somehow we had again become friends, this time her behavior was good, but for me it was a platonic friendship.
Now fast forward to 2014, I had completed my BTech from a NIT, I had the opportunity for getting good placement, but i decided to pursue my dream of Mtech from IISC, Bangalore, for which i started preparing for GATE exam, i didn't get a good rank in GATE 2015, but i was progressing well, i was preparing for GATE 2016, with my full focus, Although i had no family support, who kept carping about why you didn't go for a placement(without thinking i was planning for something much bigger than that), i had to live a hostel in HYD because they won't let me live at home, at this time my only support was (that girl whom i mentioned before).
In 2015 being in new place I was alone, didn't make any friends(my BIGGEST MISTAKE) to concentrate on my studies, I somehow became emotionally dependent on her, I again really had a deep feeling of love, but i did not tell her anything because it would completely distract me from studies. Few days later she called me announcing her wedding, I was totally shocked. Although i didn't say anything rude to her, I just said to her to wait for me Because I love her and we can get married very soon. But i was completely unaware that her Fiance was also on the phone, listening to whatever i said, She mentioned that her parents had taken the decision, and its impossible to change it now because everything is planned and fixed. Although she said we still can be friends.Now her Fiance in all his anger told a hundred bad things to me, shouting on me, I realized that i have not only lost the person i love but lost my best friend all at same time. Also her fiance simply told her to break any contacts with me, and she had to obey him, I tried my best, apologizing many times but no good effect.
In few days i realized that its OK that she married him, but losing her as a friend was the worst part, I lost all my focus, Eventhough i got a very good rank, I still could not make it to IISc Bangalore, I lost everything because of that incident, Lost her, lost a friend, lost 1 year of hard work, and had to listen to carping from my parents for my repeated failure, i'm full of regret, today I'm in real depression,
I keep thinking did i hurt her in any way? Is she still upset because of me? Have i hurt her relation? But recently on her FB Account i saw her wedding pics, I was relieved to see her happy. But the self destructive thoughts in my mind keep telling me that i have hurt her, and do not deserve to live. I have a very Analytical Mind, I keep thinking about the past and just analyzing each and every word, thoughts just keep generating in my head.
My problem here is I don't feel her absence as a lover, I firmly believe I'm so brilliant when I'm not attached emotionally with anybody, just making friends, working on my research projects, that is my life, I don't any woman, but because of this incident, I keep feeling
Did I hurt her? Did I hurt her relations? Is she upset because of me? Once I'm convinced that she is happy with her life and not unhappy because of me, my depression ends, I will be back to life, I just create situations(negative) and believe that they are true. PLEASE HELP.
If anybody has any suggestions, remedy to my depression I hope they will help.
@gorgeousnintelligent you didn't hurt her, you just said what you were feeling. There's nothing wrong in that.
She should have told you much earlier on that she was in a relationship and engaged. She has been leading you on with false hope for too long and you deserve better.
You deserve better than that. So things didn't work out with the studies, it's not the end of the world. Try try and try again. :)
You never hurt her and you did absolutely nothing wrong. go after your dream again and focus on it 100% sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.
You can't change the way things turned out but you can move forward. and improve your life amd yourself. Good luck and stay focused on the future. when one door closes another one opens! :)
I read your post twice and let me say I am sorry for your loss. It must be hard to lose someone you felt so close to and depended on in a place where you were far away from home, under a great deal of stress with your studies and then not being told that she was even engaged. As your friend, I would have thought she would have told you immediately to share in her happiness. I cannot understand why she did not. I do think that your feelings for her may have even surprised you and that when you found out she was getting married you reacted not out of love for her but out of the fear of her leaving you and you being alone. That is an absolutely natural response, especially when you had no idea and were probably shocked.
As you have said, you prefer to have friends and study and concentrate on your interests, that is your life. So my question would be, why do you feel stuck and unable to really let go, to the point of feeling self-destructive. It is possible that because you are so intelligent that you have spent much of your teenage years studying and not interacting with the opposite sex, which may be why this situation has affected you so deeply and has caused you confusion. I would ask you to please get some therapy to find out why you are feeling so distraught, even though you have seen on her facebook that she is indeed happy.
I also want you to know that you did not hurt her feelings when you said you loved her, but since you did not express your feelings until that moment, she was also probably as shocked as you were and may not know how to talk to you about that. Now that she is married, and her fiancee heard you profess your love for her, she may feel it is better to concentrate on her husband and not contact you. If you have trouble accepting her decision, it really would be beneficial if you get into some one on one counseling to work out your feelings.
I wish you all the best and am very sorry for your loss.