I need some advice...
Hello, everyone.
I'm not sure how long I've been with depression, but it's been awhile and only recently I realized how bad it affects my life. Only recently I've noticed how it shaped and continues to shape who I am.
I don't have many friends and I don't see a problem with it, because I only need people who actually understand me, and that's the problem. I don't have anyone who actually understands what I'm going through. They're great people, but they simply don't get it. That makes me isolate myself in my own little world and, the more the days pass, the worse it gets. Every little thing that upsets me for no reason at all, I get extremely awful the next second and for the rest of the day. When it happens, only god knows the thoughts and feelings that appear.
Today, especifically, and why I've come here to talk, is that I thought about suicide. I actually was really close of it. I'm terrified and completely alone. I got upset over something that happened (and honestly I don't even know if it did happen since my mind likes to trick trivial situations into self-blaming and such) and it got so bad that killing myself went through my mind.
I don't know what to do to make myself feel anything other than awful, as I was disposable, and as if my existence is meaningless.
I feel empty inside.
I don't know what to do.
@virmire I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Hugs my dear. I want to tell you that you are so strong to have come here and posted about your situation. Maybe you should start by looking at your strength in all this. You have been putting in so much effort to change your situation. I think you need to be fair to yourself and appreciate all the efforts that you have been putting in to be better. For example, recognizing that you need help, is an effort made. Recognizing that you need friends is an effort. I have only mentioned two, but there are many things that you are doing to see things differently. Please try to appreciate yourself for efforts you have made so far. Please feel free to talk to me if you need it. Thanks
@cutesarah Thank you for your reply. I'll try to recognize what I have accomplished and the efforts to accomplish more. It's not easy to be positive, but it is an effort, isn't?
@virmire I can understand how you feel. It is very hard to feel alone, and to feel like nobody gets it. Sometimes people on here can understand, but i don't think it's really the same as when people in our real life understand. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much that you have thought of suicide. Don't forget that there are a lot of resources and hotlines that are available. I myself can completely understand being upset and having suicidal thoughts, it happens. I tend to have them a lot too when i get upset. You just have to be careful because they can quickly escalate into being very serious. I find talking about it to be helpful, mostly online because i'm always afraid people in real life won't get it and will think i'm crazy or think that i am lying or attention seeking. So i go to online resourses. There is a chat based suicide hotline called crisischat.org and i always find that to be really helpful. Usually one thing they do is they put a name to the emotion i am feeling and i find that that helps me so much, even if it isn't fixing the problem. Suicidal thoughts are usually an indication that there is something pretty wrong, so talking to a professional would most likely be a good option for you! I hope you stay safe and take care 
@TheStormWiIIPass First time that I hear about this chat, so I appreciate it. Unfortunately I can't see a professional right now, but I'll try to talk to my closer friends. Today was terrifying, didn't think my depression could escalate that quickly. If it continues to be this way, I'll definitely seek a professional. Thank you for your reply, though. Take cara as well, friend.
@virmire I am so sorry that you have been going through this (big virtual hug). I so get it. I had depression for some time in my life, and it came in different forms but mostly as hurt and pain. Sweetie, listen let me tell you, I am glad that you made the decision to come and talk about it and ask for help. That in itself is a very huge step, and I am so happy and proud of you that you did it. I am sure that you will find many compassionate and caring people willing to help you, and most of all be here for you- because you are important and you matter. I say that with my most sincerest voice and heart and I truly do beleive it. You truly do matter and are very important Virmire :D
@JadeAstrid444 Thank you very much, friend. At this moment, I don't know if it is indeed important realizing I need help, maybe someday I will. The only thing I do know is that I can't do this alone anymore. After today, I really can't.
I sincerily wish the same for you. Again, thank you very much for your words.
@virmire You are very welcome :D ( big smile ). You coming here itself is a big and huge step, and you did it. That in itself shows a lot. And you have already gotten a lot of supporters here on this feed alone- which again says a lot- that you are important and you matter. And with that I say that I honor your courage and strength, and all that encompasses who you are. I truly mean that :D (big smile ).