I push everyone in my life away.
I don't even know where to begin. I am 35 and have no clue what's normal and not normal anymore. I have failed at every relationship I've ever had. From wives to friends. I've been married 3 times and every woman has left me for another man. My wife of 5 years now left back in January for another man, slept with him and another guy and came back home the next month. Before she left I could tell I was losing her. She was distance and never wanted me to touch her. This lead me to belive I had sexual problems. She said I wanted it to much and put to much pressure on sex. I tried to put the moves on her 2 times a week and when we did have sex I could tell she didn't enjoy it. What has me messed up now is that she left and had sex 4 times in a month with 2 diffrenr guys that i know of. Now that she is home she is back wanting me 3 or 4 times a week but I can't get out if my head that they done something for her to make her like this. I am a kinky person and she was never into anything like that before but now she is. I don't know if it's something they done or she is just trying to keep me happy. Now I stay depressed because I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. I don't know if sex 2 or 3 times a week is normal? I'm affriad is she is doing it to make me happy then it won't last because it's not what she really wants. I'm always trying to out do myself when we have sex because she didn't want it before but did with other guys when she left. Sometimes I just get so depressed and can't stand the thought of sex. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I can't talk to her because when I tell her what makes me feel this way, she gets upset and tells me I don't need to bring the past up.
Have you asked your wife what she considers a good sex life For example, foreplay, kissing, romance etc. You said you feel the need to excel yourself at sex Maybe she's picking up on that, and feeling like it's all about the performance I'm on expert, but I'm just giving you a woman's perspective. Hope you can sort it out.
She says it's perfect now. But I haven't changed any and that's what I struggle with. I do belive she picks up on how I am feeling. I'll try to get more detailed. It's just hard to completey open up about it. I have always liked a lot of four play and even anal play with her and near the end she said she didn't like that. Well when she fist came back home I told her I didn't want to have sex unless it ment something. I felt like I had pushed her away and didn't want her thinking I just wanted sex. A week or so went by and she jumped my bones and it was by far the most emotional sex we have ever had. We both cried the hole time. Next thing I know she started asking me if I would be okay with her ordering toys from online. I was shocked and was so messed up I didn't know what to say. I had never mentioned toys before. Well she places an order and she had bought mutiple butt plugs and a clit stimulator. Again I'm so confused. After she came back I never tried any four play or anal play and she didn't want anything like that in the past and now this? Now she wants anal sex and tells me she wants to please me. I just don't understand and I'm affriad she is doing all of this just because she thinks it's pleasing me. I don't know. Maybe I'm waiting my time. I just want so bad to make her happy and to give her what she wants and not worry about what I want but I don't want to lose her again and don't know where I went wrong before and she can't tell me.
Hello my name is Zeke and I feel very sorry about all this current events , I feel truly terrible !!! But it's ok not to know normal if I want never given to you, and the reason that this things are happening is because they sadly used you, and I hope you are learning not to let people do that, they were never worthy of you friend self let alone you sex, you deserve so much better, I hope this makes you feel a little better , talk to me more if you need to
I dunno, human Again, from an outside perspective, it seems that she's genuinely trying to make it work with you Maybe she has realised that the grass isn't greener elsewhere, and has decided to put her energy into putting some spice into your sex life All I can say (as a woman that's had plenty of sex! ) is that a loving, respectful, caring partner is a huge turn on, and you seem to be all of those things.
It's good to hear from a woman's point of view and if that's what it is then that helps me a lot. God knows I love her. I don't bring up the past because I have forgiven her and if I want her then it's not fair for me to hold it against her. It does hurt still and I get scared that they done something that I couldn't. I just want her to be happy and not stress about satisfying me in that way. Is anal play normal and wanting sex 3 or more times a week normal?
Have you ever thought about speaking to a therapist? Your words, "I have failed at every relationship I've ever had" concerns me. This indicates a pattern. A pattern as harmful as failed relationships will continue until the cycle is broken and cause a lot of devastation in the process. A therapist would help you explore this and teach you how to build better and more secure relationships.
I know you said that you can't talk to her, and you expressed that she gets upset if you do, but I don't really see any better way of handling this. This is an issue between you and her. You can't fix it without her, unfortunately. There's two of you in that bed (or wherever), therefore there needs to be two of you in the discussion. It concerns both.
Try writing her a letter first. If she was in front of you right now and you knew you could speak uninterrupted, what would you say? Whatever comes to mind, put it in that letter. Write down your feeings and your concerns just like what you said to us. It always helped me by having an idea of what I was going to say before having an intense conversation. Hopefully it will help you, too.
If she gets upset and accuses you about bringing up the past, tell her you're talking about the present. You're depressed right now. You're having these feelings/concerns/thoughts right now. This is your reality. She owes you the truth of what's going on in her brain. It isn't fair for her to not give you the life jacket of truth while you drown in your thoughts. Be careful about when you speak to her. Don't do it after a fight. Talk to her when things are calm.
I don't know if she'd be willing to do this, but one thing I often recommend on the forums when people are about to have an intense conversation with a loved one/significant other is the "talking stick" method. Keep in mind this doesn't work for everyone as it requires the complete cooperation of both parties. The way it works is you designate a certain object (that you can hold) as the "talking stick". Only the person holding the object can talk. The one not holding it is asked to listen and not interrupt. As I said, it requires cooperation from both sides but if done correctly, it can be a great method in having a successful conversation. It allows the speaker the comfort of knowing they won't be interrupted and it gives the listener time to think about what is being said before responding. The individuals must take turn being speaker and listener. Again, this is simply a suggestion and it doesn't work for everyone.
Regardless of how the conversation goes, I do strongly recommend you speak to a therapist about everything. Your marriage, your insecurities, your failed relationships, the depressing feelings you're experiencing. It can all be very overwhelming if you have no one to speak to and most of us here are not licensed to give the guidance you need. Give yourself the help you need by seeking help from other sources. Sometimes we have to take control of our lives to get it back on track.
Good luck!
I will try to speak to her again and if it doesn't work then I will write a letter. I definitely want to talk to a therapist.
Whatever you think is best. I do recommend doing the letter before speaking with her, simply so you have an idea of all the points you want to cover. Often times, (for me at least) my emotions can sometimes make me forget everything I wanted to get off my chest. Having written it out at a previous time helps me have a better idea of what I want to say and how I want to say it. You don't have to give her the letter, simply keep it for yourself.
And yes, if possible, please please speak to a therapist. There are some absolutely lovely therapists out there that will help you seek the answers you are desperately looking for.
I'll do the letter when I am alone and will be a le to get everything our and then try to talk to her. Thank you guys so much. It helps to have anyone that will listen. I'll post my outcome back. I just want for us to both be open, honest and happy. I definitely have some self esteem issue I need to work on.
Yes please feel free to post an update to this topic or to create a new one. Feel free to tag me in it by writing my name (including the @ sign) and it'll send me a notification. I look forward to finding out how it went! Good luck!
Well some times too much sex is bad an maybe she just wants you to make love to her an take your time .cause if you rush in to it she will feel uncomfortable .or maybe you two just grew apart you need to ask her what she wants in a man.
