Is This Dysthymia or Mild Depression?
I feel hopeless, but not "sad." I wouldn't call it sadness, and I don't feel it most of the day. I always just thought my personal philosophy bordered on nihilism. I thought I was just a Holden Caulfield type. I can't seem to feel like I'm supposed to. Normal people are so much more hopeful, more social, more excited for the future. They have at least some sense of purpose, even if it's subject to change. They may change their, major, or choice of future career. But while they're decided, they're decided. They're excited and motivated and hopeful. Meanwhile, I'm not. I'm in school, failing a class in a subject I formerly was interested in. I've lost the motivation to do even things I loved. I find myself saying "I don't have the energy to do this right now." I can't even read through the self help guides. I used to have this mindset that I wanted to upgrade from working class to middle class, and I wanted to be "refined" and "sophisticated." Sounds silly, but what that meant for me was learning and becoming educated. Reading and being well-spoken, learning history and philosophy, world religions etc. I was so gung ho about it. I genuinelly enjoyed learning, and now I can't even get through a one page article on something I'm interested in. I used to do research for fun, and now I can't even get through the self help guides. I don't have the energy to do all the things I used to love doing. And I don't have the energy for the self help articles and exercises. I have this vision of what I'm working toward: stable job (I continually research options), stable finances (enough to live comfortably, middle class is all I'm asking), marriage someday, maybe a kid eventually, involvement in the community (helping the poor, sick, hungry), and finding my peace with God at some point. Living in the suburbs. I'm taking steps in that direction. It's not as if I sit around moping. But here's how I think I'll actually end up: divorced, alcholic, ex got the house and kids, I'll be living in a flea bitten apartment in downtown, unfilled, death by stabbing, shooting, cancer, car crash, or suicide. Sounds like a miserable outlook on life but here's the thing: I don't feel sad about it. It's more of a resignation to the inevitable misery of life. I feel apathetic about it. The couple of close people I told about this says it's not normal to feel that way and that they're worried. I don't know though. I feel hopeless, but I don't feel "sad" or "blue." I don't know what to make of this. I've felt this in varying degrees for the last four years.
I barely even know why I'm replying except that some of the things you have mentioned here sound awfully familiar to me. I'm sure it really is 'depression' but I'm not sure that it matters as I can't think of what a person can do about it other than the usuals: exercise, sleep right, eat right, meditate, surround self with positive environment, etc.
I do all of these things, myself- and yet I still feel apathetic towards everything in life except for my 'duties' which I fulfill doggedly because I was stupid in my youth and became very attached to a few living things that I now am obsessed with protecting. But I am only too aware of my own frailty and know that one day I won't be able to hold the fort and it'll all go down, anyway. No one else seems to care enough to even protect themselves, to prepare for this inevitable event.
My goals now are to 1) not get attached to anything else and 2) try to defend the things I am already attached to til the end of their lives or mine. I pretty much see myself finishing building this base of financial stability (that I already have a damn good start on) so that these things I have become attached to can live on with ease without me. Then I see everyone slowly drifting from me as they are not as interested in me as they say they are. Then I will die.
I am a self-professed nihilist, but I see that not so much as a belief system as just an objective assessment of reality.
I make goals to chase all the time, just to have something to do. But they are artificially manufactured, I feel very little real passion for any of them. I have long ago lost interest in the things I used to get passionate about.
I spend a lot of energy just trying to keep my mood balanced. Most of the time I believe I succeed very well, but recently, it has been more difficult.
At this point, I would even consider pills. I just don't want anyone to know about it anymore. NONE of it. I don't want anyone to know I'm even having problems serious enough to consider therapy, let alone actually get therapy. I feel that no one takes anything I say seriously even though they have every reason to. Because of this I feel totally alone and am not interested in letting people in anymore. I have made every attempt to communicate in the past and have been met with dismissal.
I have believed for years that I can get on this way, indefinitely, clinging to whatever cheerfulness I can squeeze out of myself. Usually I'm quite good at it, I can be cheerful through damn near anything, possibly BECAUSE of my apathy towards myself. But due to recent difficulties I have begun to doubt it just the tiniest bit and I'm trying to come up with some new solutions.
Also, I am so lonely it's ridiculous. I watch TV alone during all of my free time just to combat it (or sleep, I sleep a LOT now. I tried to keep myself from doing it, but I found that only made my mood worse, so I've given in.) So I came on here, I guess, looking for someone to talk to.
AND to find out if anyone thinks it is worth me seeing a professional shrink to see if I should try medication. I don't want to put myself through that if it's just a dead end. I want to hear that it worked for SOMEONE first, before I bother.
Anyway, some aspects of your situation I feel are very, very similar to mine- even if we are in different places in life. The apathetic acceptance of inherent doom, for example. (I figure I'll get cancer, die or be crippled in a car crash, etc.) Disinterest in things you used to find interesting, is another. Working towards goals even though you feel it is pointless. Same here. I just feel compelled to continue, unable to stop. I am not willing to allow bad things to happen to the people around me.
Sorry I never replied. But no, you're not alone. I would suggest therapy, but I haven't gone yet. There hasn't been money for it unfortunately. I hope things get better for you.
