I shouldn't be feeling down about this, but i do. Old feelings triggered.

So I need to kind of get this out. Last night I went to a Christmas white elephant exchange party that one of my longtime best friends put on. I brought a little gift and some food, and all was well when I arrive and mingled in with everyone. Then it came time to start the exchange. There were 14 of us and we all got a number. I happened to get the number 14 (lol TOTALLY figures) and the exchange started. Well, as more and more people kept picking gifts it soon became obvious that....there wasn't enough gifts to go around. As it got nearer the end and the last gift was chosen by the 13th person, everyone ended up having a gift except me. Now, it's not really a big deal for me that I didn't get any gift, but I did end up feeling a bit...weird and hurt because nobody said anything about it. We were all sitting pretty close together around a table, able to look at one another. It should have seemed pretty obvious that I was the only one in the circle that didn't have any gift in front of me. But the party kept going on as if everything was cool. My friend was sitting right next to me and she didn't even seem to notice.

Now I get it...there's a lot of people and everyone's caught up in laughing and having a good time. But having that happen to me just brought up old feelings. Feelings of being invisible to others, of being snuffed out being an introvert in a room full of extroverts, of not mattering enough to people. I already feel rather awkward at parties, and this incident just kind of amplified that feeling of inadequacy I always still carry around with me. Could I have said something? Yes, I could have...but I didn't because, well, what could be done about it anyway? Would people even care enough?

I know I'm probably sounding dramatic, or you may be thinking "it's not a big deal stop worrying about it". But I needed to rant about this a bit because I still struggle immensely with feelings that I don't matter enough to people, or I'm just always the person that gets ignored or shoved aside. My self-esteem once again plummeted. Anyway, I'm finished talking.