Lack of life

Let me start off by saying that I am writing this after a nights sleep so there is a little less emotion then before . So my story in a nutshell .... I lived with my biological parents till I was 10 . Then found out that they were both addicted to crack and I moved to another state to live with my aunt . My aunt thought that I was to chubby and ran her house like a boot camp . I thought that was pure tortureat the time . Then my parents moved back after rehab and I lived with them for another year in a motel while I finished middle school .Meanwhile my aunt fell sick . My parents started using again and I moved in with a random family from a church . Well this family adopted me , and I love them dearly they are amazing . However my problems were already etched deep in the surface of my soul . Throughout high school I had major dependency problems . My life was always about ONE friend or ONE guy and that always left me hurt when they let me down . I never felt like I came first on anyone else's list . I was always the chubby kid and therefor never had a boyfriend .. Not even a one ... And that made my self worth plummet . I went off to college , trying to find a boyfriend to no avail . Slept with a few guys but they never spoke to me the next day . Feeling more and more worthless and degraded as the weeks went on . I left school , got a job and meant a guy online . Not my type at all but I was into him because he was into me . Dated for a year and got engaged and married . Now I am in aloveless marriage and more lonely then I was before . I have pushed all of my friends away with my abandonment and dependency issues . Same things go with the listenershere . I just feel so alone and helpless :(