Life is piling up on me and i can't cope anymore.

initially wanted to post this on reddit, but decided against it because reddit can be a very cruel ugly place. i just want a safe space where i can share.

A little backstory on my depression.I suspected something was wrong around May 2017, i was having a major exam at the time, yet i had difficulty concentrating and had crying fits, the negative thoughts in my head were always there, non stop. Then, the last semester of college came around. Same old, except with an added bonus of failing grades which is unusual for me. While all of this is happening, my dad had cancer and his condition only gotten worse. It was a flurry of family problems. This in turn made me unable to confide with any of my family members. Dad was sick himself, mom was stressed out and i had two younger siblings who couldn't be emotional support for me. I was also dealing with an abusive ex who i hope dies a horrible death. All this while, life seemed to mean less amd less for me, i dreaded getting out of bed. Sometimes, i find myself waking up and thinking over the events of yesterday as if they were a sequence of events and nothing more.In order for me to cope with the overwhelming emotions inside me, i cut myself. Now, i never intended for anyone to find out but my mom did. She blamed me for being dramatic and never once believed me when i said i might have an issue. No one believed me, they instead accused me of using depresson as an excuse. I could only rely on a few of my friends.

Things got worse in December last year. I had no motivation to get up from bed, i feel tired and i lost my appetite. I couldn't handle criticisms anymore and i would just blow up in everyone's face. I continued to think i was unlikeable, a failure and just flat out ugly. I remember one day when my mom was shouting at me and my brother, we were supposed to arrange some driving lessons, i was busy with work at the time, so it just fell to the wayside. Hence, everyone had already started or booked their lessons while we were made to wait. She said that we were always losing to other people. That hit me very harshly, so i started wailing. She told me to shut up. So i did, she was a harsh critic and her temper would flare. I sat down, quietly cried while i scratched myself on the arm. It was at that point that she decided that i needed to see a shrink.

I did see a shrink, earlier this month. I was diagnosed with depression and was given meds, The meds knock me out quickly and I would sleep all throughout the night, but wheni wake up the next morning, i feel fatigued. There are times when i don't want to get out of bed, To be honest, the meds don't make me feel any better. Sometimes, i would still feel like a piece of shit. I got a rejection letter from oxfod on the 10th, the same day i was supposed to get my results. I cried for the whole night after reading the letter. I can't deal with rejection, it only reinforces my belief that i'm a failure, perhaps? I don't know. At the same time, I was arranging for a few visits from my relatives. My dad would always complain about how he has no one to rely on or how his own siblings don't visit him. But the thing is, he has never attempted to talk to them at all. He was always distant and quiet. He never communicated properly with them and it has caused a lot of awkward situations during family gatherings. It was really unfair. It was his fault and yet i was the one fixing the problem. I convinced my aunt and uncles to visit and they did. I felt stressed from all of it and had gotten sick. Didn't get better until a few days later.

I managed to work up the courage to check my results and they were less than ideal. A lot of oppurtunities out the window,I have to retake in order to get into a good uni. The retake would be in May. I was heartbroken,so i cried my eyes out. This in turn caused both my parents to cry too. Mom said she had to deal with dad and she didnt want to deal with me too. At that point i realized just how much i couldnt depend on the both of them. I had to grow up, but to be honest i dont have the energy left to even bother. A few days later, dad was hospitalized again. He is only getting worse.

All of this is too much for me to handle. Im desperate for any sort of escape, i dont mind dying. There are times where i think taking my own life would be the best. I wouldn't need to suffer and no one needs to deal with me anymore. Not like losing me means anything, i've only proven to be worthless. I don't want to grow up, i don't want to face the harsh realities of life.I have been fighting for too long. i dont want to be smiling and pretending im ok, its getting harder and harder to do that I just want to give up.