Lost

Complexity of life is what makes depression difficult to overcome. Over 12 + year of major depression takes a toll on the mind and body. There are few times that life provides a short reprieve before crashing down on you. I had my ups and downs like most people but in the last several years, the downs have progressively worsen. Life for me went down hard in 2014, after my first daughter’s birth and self-committed to get the help I needed. However, after getting on meds and going through therapy, life struck me a hard blow where my significant other cheated on me both physically and emotionally first with a old high school friend( social media ) then two more times over a spend of several years with just online flirting. She admitted her wrongdoing and greatly regrets her poor decisions based on our lack of communication. We salvaged our marriage and went to couples counseling. Trust has been of course my biggest obstacle. Despite years of faithfulness, I still have trust issues. I have been plagued recently with declining health due to unforeseen heart issue, which required open heart surgery, then continuous mental health issues, and finally rare inner ear disorder that left me deaf in right ear and balance/coordination issues that I am slowly recovering from. Due to all my health issues, I will be retiring early from my job with coverage but feeling lost and confused. Transition to a new lifestyle is never easy, but doing it with fighting mental health issues along with physical ailments makes it more challenging. My emotions are all over with no sense of direction or purpose at times. I love my family but still feel disconnected with my wife. I feel helpless with leaving my job but want to take time to recover. My emotions can’t seem to settle whether trying to control hyperactive sex drive or fighting myself to go back in and take pleasure in my hobbies I used to enjoy. I appreciate the opportunity to vent on this thread and allow me to be open. I spent almost 20 years taking care of others as a medical professional but I never allowed myself the care and self-love to seek the help I need fully. Bless you all through your own battles and seek the peace we all crave. Thanks!