Marriage got complicated
I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for 11. HS sweethearts. We have been through a lot over the years, but I've always trusted her to do the right thing and to tell me what's going on. About two months ago we had a discussion after having a few drinks about how we feel like maybe we are missing out on something. She had a boyfriend before me, but she didn't go past first base. I've never had another girlfriend. We are both hitting mid 30's now and we threw out the idea of exploring things with other people- not divorcing but just having side action to spice things up.
The next month she brings it up again. She is very insistent that she feels we should make a pact. I am reluctant but agree that we could each go and kiss other people. This was supposed to spice up our sex life and make things better. We both said we feel like best friends with benefits.
I learn a month after that, that she kissed someone. She wasn't going to tell me because she thought it was better that way. But the guy had a girlfriend who saw a text. Apparently something like "thinking of you". The girlfriend went crazy and started insinuating sex and was threatening to tell me about it, so my wife revealed it to me.
That was a week ago. I said it was ok and forgave her, but I don't feel as trusting anymore. I feel depressed because she says this opened her eyes to see me as the thing she wants most. But I see no changes. Not sure what to do but it's becoming more difficult.
@Doug555 good for you for telling your story. I can relate - married for a long time.
Sounds like you need to do some more talking with your wife...tell her how you're feeling a little more, and that maybe you're not comfortable with opening up your marriage. Not everyone is, and that's OK.
I know that it's really difficult when one person starts to want something a little different, and the other person just wants things to stay the same. I actually relate more to your wife, but everyone's motivations for doing things are different. Maybe if you figure out your wife's motivations, it will help you feel better about all this.
Leave me a reply if you want to say more.
I went on some websites looking for companionship a few years ago. Our sex life was non existent. I talked to some girls but didn't go thru with it. I decided to accept the situation. That was before we discussed doing anything with other people.
I want to give her some space right now and let her confirm to herself what she told me. She still seems anxious a lot and not really any different than before. I don't know that she's convinced of anything yet.
@Doug555 Marriage is difficult. Especially after you've been married for years and both reach mid 30s. My wife and I talked about something similar but I wasn't sure about it. I think she thought I wanted to open the relationship, especially since she's lost her sexual appetite.
I think the only thing you can do is be really honest with each other. The truth may hurt the other, but if you do it with the intention of making the marriage stronger and better, you both will be better for it.
@Sdnf4Iawu Very good advice, good for me to hear as well, thank you!
@Doug555 Yeah, waiting to see how things play out right now is probably a good idea. As you said, she might still be trying to figure things out herself.
Good luck with it all. As @Sdnf4lawu said, marriage is difficult.
@Doug555 I think if we look at the current trends of today, there is no denying it does not have a psychological impact on marriages and relationships. There needs to be a really strong foundation for marriage in order for it to work. When your wife desired to be with others, were there other options other than physically going out to meet someone? There are lots of materials out there that describes re-igniting love without having to turn to other people. third parties would only most likely take advantage of that situation and then just walk away, so after anything sexual happens, it wouldnt be necessarily emotionally fulfilling, so the cycle begins and it never leaves you permanently happy.
Thank you all for listening. I don't have close friends nearby to talk about this, so it's helpful just to let someone else know. I'm feeling a bit better myself, but I don't know about her yet. I will give her another week or two before I try to have a deeper conversation.
Everything to this point has been pretty easy. But now things seem a bit different. I will post again when I have more updates. Thanks again.
So she says she still wants to be with me and together in our family. She says we work together well, and I agree. But she also says she still has a want to be with this other guy. She knows it's not right. She says she wants more time to figure things out.
We agreed to kissing other people. Not creating a new relationship with someone, which is what she's doing. I don't think she is seeing him at all, but I am sure she still talks to him.
I think we need to find more things we can share together. More to come...
@Doug555 keep ut up, its great your keeping communication lines open. Could you ask her for ideas how she can keep the romance between you alive. In my opinion you have spent most time with her, you gave her children therefore you have a greater right.
@SisterHaleemaCounselor thank you for the reply. I am working on ideas of how to bring us back to 10 years ago. We both need to make an effort if this is going to work. I don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage for the sake of our child.
So last night we talked. I expressed my feeling that I can't have her carrying on with another person romantically. She says she knows it's not good, and not fair to me, but is having a difficult time just being friends with this guy. She cried and kept saying that she wants to be with me forever. I believe her. But she needs more time to distance herself from him. We agreed that we need to work on us and being together and in the moment
@Doug555
So how will she distance herself.
What qualities does he show her that she feels you arent
@Doug555 Hey, sorry to hear that things have been tough over the last month. Good that you two are talking and trying to work things out, and that you're sharing your feelings with her. Very important, and I'm glad she feels open to hearing your feelings and understanding them.
New feelings for someone can be very powerful and hard to ignore. I also think that having feelings for someone else other than your partner is something that's more common than most people are willing to admit. Once you've acted physically on those feelings, it's even harder to go back. Unfortunately the thing that will help most is the thing that she least wants to do...stay away from him. But that's not really something you can demand of her without looking like the bad guy...though it may not hurt to put up a bit of a fight for your relationship and show her that it's something that is really important to you. In the end though, it's something she has to come to on her own, and it's gonna take time and be painful for her. But hopefully she'll come to the conclusion that the other guy is something temporary, while her relationship with you is something permanent.
My experience with situations like this is that she's trying to meet a need. As @SisterHaleemaCounselor said, there is something that she is getting from the other person that she's not getting from you. Maybe talk about what that is and also talk about the needs you are meeting. You don't need to do a lot of comparing to him, but think about what made your relationship great before and try to make sure those things are still there.
Maybe take some steps toward couples therapy as well?
