Mid-Year Reflection: One of the Worst Years of My Life (Personally...)

It's now July and this has been one of the worst years of my life.  (tw: severe depression)

I know it's barely past the middle of the year, but this first half of the year has been absolutely terrible for me. I feel like I lost almost everything, even though I did gain something this year. 

In May, I graduated with a graduate degree from a top university; I should be happy and proud of myself. I am a first gen college student as well, and for the first time, I am now stopping school for now. 2024 was a good year for me, and I thought this year was gonna be a good one. 

However, this year, I lost so much. I went through a terrible friend breakup (over a misunderstanding) in February with one of my closest friends and it progressively got worse until May. Not only that, I lived with them, so it felt like I was walking on eggshells everytime I went home. So I was afraid of living in my own home. I lost another friend because I was unable to visit her in the hospital for a week. I tried to make efforts to visit her, but she was upset that I wasn't able to visit in the end and she cut me off. I was failing one of my classes up until a week or two before graduation. My family went through some health complications and I couldn't be there for them at the time because I was at school (which is far away from home). Everything was overwhelming to the point where I was having ideations and I planned out an attempt and I had to call the hotline to calm myself down and get rid of my method. I was so depressed and had so much anxiety that I would sleep in my graduate building rather than go home to my own shared room. I would take fire escapes to go into and exit my house so that I would not be seen and so I wouldn't talk to anyone. I didn't eat with everyone and my friends brought me food so I could eat. I missed out on so many events because 9 times out of 10, my ex friend would be there.

And when I moved out in May and came to live with my sister, turns out, my family said "hey, fyi, she doesn't want you to live with her so you better find a job so you can get another place to live ASAP". So now I am living with my sister who doesn't even want me living with her and she makes that known almost everyday. I try to stay out of her way but she is still upset about my presence. I've been applying to so many jobs and I am not hearing anything back at all, and I've been applying for months. All of the friends I do have are far from her house. So as of right now, I have no close friends, no friends nearby, no place of my own to live in comfortably, no job, little to nothing in my bank account, no romantic partner either (basically no one to lean on is what I am getting at), and I can't continue therapy because my school's health insurance expired and I can't afford it because I don't have a job or insurance. So. And everything progressively got worse as time went on, starting in February. 

I am losing hope. I should be happy. I just accomplished a huge milestone not just for me, but for my family as well. Yet, it feels like the world is against me and I am not doing anything right, despite not doing anything maliciously. Like I've been doing my best to be the best person I can be for myself and others, and I somehow still manage to mess things up for me and for others. I feel like a burden, lonely, invisible, unwanted, etc. And I haven't had severe or moderate (now) depression since high school. So getting hit with these feelings again and having it get worse and worse month after month for almost half a year is so hard. Things are less worse now in terms of my depression and anxiety, but things are still not good. All aspects of my life are affected in a negative way. I just hope the rest of this year brings a miracle for everything that has been affected in my life. I really need it. 

Please feel free to rant, relate, or just say anything regarding how your year is going down below. If you are having a tough year, especially with everything going on in the world right now as well, know that you are not alone. Hopefully, things will get better for us; the year isn't over yet. 

The year isn't over yet...