My depression

I've always have to be quite
That's how it's been. As a kid I'd always had to do everything quite b/c I didn't want to wake my alcoholic dad up so then just I didn't want to disturb anyone at all. Once we moved out I was able to finally stop doing things quite but then went back to how but over time it's gotten worse and worse to the point my older brother fell into the same route but worse and leaves havoc in the house causing problems, I didn't and I don't have a normal life b/c everything I do I do it quite, everywhere I go I'm quite I don't want to disturb anyone anymore I have to be quite every single minute of my life
Even outside my house I'm quite cause feel like I'm a bother to everyone who comes into contact with me shits hit the fence hard growing up, I know there's people who are going through more tougher situations but at this point I've seen the wrong side of my dad and brother almost my whole childhood until now. From the start of 4th grade when I first saw and realized my dad wasn't what I thought he was after seeing him burst in rage after a conflict he had second before pulling up into the driveway. Lots of shit has happened from raging outburst, fighting, hearing my brother go crazy at night causing havoc bothering and blaming my mother after she's been the only one to keep going to support us after my dad decided that is drinking is more important than his family's well being I've had to isolate myself or lock myself away from them, this is life for me, i have to be locked away at all times even if eveyone is okay and no one is in conflict. Just a, hollow house like a hollow family. like I said I stay quite so no one ever knew or knows how I feel no one knows I'm alone deep down I've been hidden behind 4 walls and locked door but that,doesn't lock or stop sound it doesn't stop problems. It just builds up as I keep detaining it, I hate talking about stuff cause. It Also it doesn't help that most and many of my friends forgot about me or simply left me, I'm a bad estate of mind and it's just only added on to my emotions seeing people leave my life one by one until I hit zero until I'm fully alone. Not all my friends ditched me some took different routes some are going through their own problems, some are lost, but I've pushed a few people away in my recent years, I don't want to keep losing more and more friends so I just started pushing people away and preventing people to appear in my life....I've gone through breakdown because of years and years of hate building in me. I'm emotional tired physically tired mental tired and tired of life, my mind wanders nothing but what is surrounding me. No one is doing anything but doing their own thing no havoc, no drama at the moment, no problems at the moment, everything is cool at this point for the moment, but I'm not feeling my self anymore, I'm at a low that's hard to get out of but it's always there hidden I get anxiety when I'm home or coming home I'm always I worried for nothing anymore I'm stuck. I'm not the same anymore.