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Bakertm
1 111 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2016 Member sinceJanuary 30, 2016
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I can't anymore
Depression Support / by Bakertm
Last post
 February 8th, 2016
...See more i really can't put up with this anymore, it's just like life doesnt want me to be happy my whole child hood I had to deal with my brother nd father's love of alcohol. Everyday worrying that I might disurb them or they might get angry. I'm not scared or anything I've always just been the type to worry about everyone I worried that they might come around and cause more problems when things are okay even to this point I still feel the same, I hate seeing them like this I hate them I'd want them dead but I hate it. At the moment my brother and father have eased on the agressiveness and cause no havoc anymore, I still feel anxious, and sad. There's nothing to worry about anymore even when my brother interacts with my mother. not only that, it doesn't help that ALL my friends forgot about me, as if I don't exist anymore. No one has ever tried contacting me, it's me but I always end up being pushed away or ignored, ignored like how my "cousin" only said happy new years to my God bro and quickly left as if I wasn't there. I'm at the point where I hate everyone and have that mind set where humanity is just crap. I'm alone, I've always been alone and will be alone it's hard for me to make friends and keep them. I'm not interesting. I just tired of everything I have no motivation In me anymore I don't even feel like I have a chance in college I feel like everything I do isnt good enough. I don't even want to do anything anymore I just wish my life could end seeing no one cares
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Everything is okay
Anxiety Support / by Bakertm
Last post
 February 1st, 2016
...See more It always starts with me feeling sad and then it starts turning into a little fear and then into more fear and worry feeling like I have to escape but I can't, I can't breath, idk if I'm cry because I'm alone, scared, too worried, or I'm just finally exhausted of living under constant worry. My father and brother are at ease going about their alcohol addiction while I worry, and watch them hearing them. Things get out of hand a few times but it still gets to me when everything is okay.... even when they are not drunk, but I also feel alone but I know they're on the other sides of the walls but I'm alone overall I worry my mom will come home and have to deal with my brother I'm worried for no reason, everything is fine at this point, but I'm still scared and worried and I'm alone going through this. I know my mom wouldn't understand as she just ignored or completely forgot what I have told her. I'm alone.
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My depression
Depression Support / by Bakertm
Last post
 January 30th, 2016
...See more I've always have to be quite That's how it's been. As a kid I'd always had to do everything quite b/c I didn't want to wake my alcoholic dad up so then just I didn't want to disturb anyone at all. Once we moved out I was able to finally stop doing things quite but then went back to how but over time it's gotten worse and worse to the point my older brother fell into the same route but worse and leaves havoc in the house causing problems, I didn't and I don't have a normal life b/c everything I do I do it quite, everywhere I go I'm quite I don't want to disturb anyone anymore I have to be quite every single minute of my life Even outside my house I'm quite cause feel like I'm a bother to everyone who comes into contact with me shits hit the fence hard growing up, I know there's people who are going through more tougher situations but at this point I've seen the wrong side of my dad and brother almost my whole childhood until now. From the start of 4th grade when I first saw and realized my dad wasn't what I thought he was after seeing him burst in rage after a conflict he had second before pulling up into the driveway. Lots of shit has happened from raging outburst, fighting, hearing my brother go crazy at night causing havoc bothering and blaming my mother after she's been the only one to keep going to support us after my dad decided that is drinking is more important than his family's well being I've had to isolate myself or lock myself away from them, this is life for me, i have to be locked away at all times even if eveyone is okay and no one is in conflict. Just a, hollow house like a hollow family. like I said I stay quite so no one ever knew or knows how I feel no one knows I'm alone deep down I've been hidden behind 4 walls and locked door but that,doesn't lock or stop sound it doesn't stop problems. It just builds up as I keep detaining it, I hate talking about stuff cause. It Also it doesn't help that most and many of my friends forgot about me or simply left me, I'm a bad estate of mind and it's just only added on to my emotions seeing people leave my life one by one until I hit zero until I'm fully alone. Not all my friends ditched me some took different routes some are going through their own problems, some are lost, but I've pushed a few people away in my recent years, I don't want to keep losing more and more friends so I just started pushing people away and preventing people to appear in my life....I've gone through breakdown because of years and years of hate building in me. I'm emotional tired physically tired mental tired and tired of life, my mind wanders nothing but what is surrounding me. No one is doing anything but doing their own thing no havoc, no drama at the moment, no problems at the moment, everything is cool at this point for the moment, but I'm not feeling my self anymore, I'm at a low that's hard to get out of but it's always there hidden I get anxiety when I'm home or coming home I'm always I worried for nothing anymore I'm stuck. I'm not the same anymore.
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