My new friend has depression, how can I stay patient and what do I need to understand?
We talk online (live about 2 hours away) and their replies started getting sporadic even though nothing changed between us. I eventually reached out and explained to them how I feel after not hearing anythinig for a few days. It took them a day to get back to me, and they basically explained how they feel so terrible for doing this to me but they're really low right now and they feel like a burden and don't want to shift their problems to the people they love and care about. I thanked them for opening up to me and explained to them I'd never feel like they're a burden to me but I know I can't make any of what they're feeling go away. Along with their reply, they mentioned they miss me a lot. I don't want to be rude - as I do not have depression - but why couldn't they have sent me a message if they missed me so much? Does it circle back to feeling like a burden or the fear that they won't live up to my expectations? Before they opened up to me, I thought the ignorance for days/a week at a time meant they didn't like me or I did something wrong, but now I am consciously trying to remember what they told me without over thinking other things (like the fact they're on social media). We are trying to meet up this weekend but I'm a little skeptical about it actually happening.
I'm basically asking for help on what I need to understand in our friendship. Anything I should avoid doing or anything I should be doing?
@icecreambeaches Avoidance is definitely a symptom of depression. Try not to take it personally. They will probably be an undependable friend. If you can handle that, you can maintain the friendship.
I think the best thing is unconditional support. Let them know you will be there whenever they need, and reach out occasionally even if you don't get a reply. Send fun things, cartoons, jokes. At least I always appreciate that. :)
When I am really down, I become very avoidant, and become afraid to message people in case I say the wrong thing. There might be an element of that?
Also sometimes people feel such self-hatred that they can't believe that anyone would want to speak to them or know them, so they feel like they are doing you a favour by distancing themselves from you.
Also, it may be that they lack energy - depression can affect you physically, making you weak and forgetful, so a week can pass with you lying in bed and it feels like its only been a day. Your sense of time and reality can get messed up, or you can forget to respond because a sudden depressive episode makes you so depressed.
And finally, sometimes I personally don't respond becasue I am so ashamed of my condition and I am scared to be asked 'how are you' becasue I don't want to think about how terrible evrything feels, and also I don't know how much detail to give or if I should lie and say 'fine', so I just avoid all that anxiety-causing mess and hide away.
I hope you don't feel too slighted by your freind - they are rejecting everyone (and life) becasue they are afraid and want to disappear. They are not ignoring you and don't hate you - they are just ill and struggling to relate to others.
Hope this helps! Your friendship will help them more than you realise; don't give up :)
